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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset and not sure what to do next

63 replies

looondonn · 19/09/2019 14:12

Help please from all you lovely people who helped me escape abuse

So the ex who abused me and in the end took me to a Room to kill me has been asking fathers 4 justice organisation to contact me re facilitating contact

There is a police investigation at the moment so I tried to explain as nicely as I could to the support worker that there may be a court case etc

He emailed back saying ' well it seems as if he was released without charge, the police are still gathering evidence but that will go nowhere' !!!!

I'm fuming

How dare a man who does not know this say this to me

How dare me minimise all of this

What shall I do
Please help guys
Please 😢😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 19/09/2019 15:51

I would not respond until instructed to do so (or not) by your solicitor next week. Don't feed into it. I feel you get any more emails from them don't open them until you are with your solicitor. You are paying them to advise you what's best in your situation. It's obviously a very sensitive case and you don't want to fuck it up by engaging with these people without proper legal advice.

Drum2018 · 19/09/2019 15:53

"If you get any more emails" not "I feel"

mummmy2017 · 19/09/2019 16:05

Do not email them.
They might twist anything you say, so give them nothing.

pointythings · 19/09/2019 16:18

Just report it to the police and your solicitor - send copies of the email received. F4J is not a respected organisation. The courts know them for what they are and their say-so carries no weight.

Anything further - don't reply and again, report. You do not have to engage with these people in any way.

SucculentCandle · 19/09/2019 16:18

I agree, don't do anything without consulting your solicitor first.

Clangus00 · 19/09/2019 16:19

Don’t email back, no matter how angry you are.

ChicCroissant · 19/09/2019 16:21

Why would you believe an email from someone not involved in the case at all? Don't respond, don't have anything to do with them.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2019 16:50

I would NOT send anything to f4j without the advice of my solicitor AND the investigation team. I know it's frustrating not to 'blast back', but take a deep breath. Get advice from the professionals first, then follow it.

I know this may sound paranoid, but the email may be a ploy to either get information or a negative reaction out of you that could be used against you (or for his benefit) in some way.

Original poster
looondonn · 19/09/2019 17:00

Super advice

Was such a shock when I got the email

This abuser is convinced he will get 50/50

I want supervised access following successful completion of a full DV programme

Ideally I want nothing to do with this utter scum bag again :(

OP posts:
NotaRealLawyer · 19/09/2019 17:10

Avoid F4J, I've seen them in their various forms going back decades. One lot were prone to protesting on the tops of buildings dressed as Batman and so on years ago. Lots of nasty tales surround them.
Do not deal with them at all, tell your solicitor.

keepingbees · 19/09/2019 17:12

Do you have evidence of abuse of the child?
What the abuser wants and what he gets are (hopefully) very different things.
But without evidence, with a child so young it's your word against his. It's a horrible horrible situation and system.

jamoncrumpet · 19/09/2019 18:00

OP I have no advice but sending you love and strength. Please stay strong. For just a bit longer.

CharityConundrum · 19/09/2019 19:19

I honestly wouldn't reply - why would you give him the credibility of acting as though anything he says has any relevance to you. Keep the email to show your solicitor, don't engage with them and if they keep emailing you then they are showing that they are harassing someone who has never asked for their input as well. Your ex needs to know that nothing he can do will goad you into engaging with him directly - everything through professionals who will help keep you safe, physically and mentally. You are winning - he's desperate, clearly, so let him stew.

Original poster
looondonn · 19/09/2019 20:34

Thanks all

Has helped me massively as I have not told anyone else yet apart from forwarding email on to the DC at met police

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 19/09/2019 21:17

I'm glad, hold your nerve OP, you're doing all the right things. It was an obvious attempt to rattle you and it hasn't worked because you haven't given him the knee jerk response he wanted. Don't let him (via f4j) get back in your head, you have people on your side and are building a support network now, he doesn't get to call the shots anymore Flowers

Dinomom52 · 19/09/2019 21:26

I reckon they probably minimise things like this as standard regardless of what’s going on with any investigation.

Just another way of bringing you down op.

Well done for getting out.

Jux · 20/09/2019 00:37

I think that if you receive any more emails from them that you just forward them straight to your solicitor; talk to the sol first at any rate, and they'll devise a strategy.

tvdinnertracks · 20/09/2019 00:48

It must have been a shock. Thanks

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 20/09/2019 01:11

First of all, massive, massive well done to you on getting out- you must be so brave Flowers

Secondly- ignore that email from f4j. Report it to the police, show it to the solicitor. Any further contact- do the same. You see your solicitor next week, that is not long to wait so be patient and resist the urge to defend yourself and your actions to these idiots.

You have a solicitor for a good reason- let them do their job. They are there to advise you and in a case like this you need to do what they tell you. Whether you realise it or not, youre still very vulnerable.

F4J is not the CPS. It is not up to them whether or not there is a criminal case to be answered. While this 'support worker' may be advocating for your ex I would put good money on the fact they are not legally qualified in any way shape or form- no one who is would be stupid enough to give say what they have. Id personally construe those emails as intimidation, thats why you must report this to the police.

Hidingtonothing · 20/09/2019 01:28

I think he's shot himself in the foot involving f4j tbh, can't see that email looking very good for him in court.

madcatladyforever · 20/09/2019 01:35

Do not engage with FFJ in any way. They are scum and do their best to support violent men. I had plenty of dealings with them when I divorced my violent first husband.

Littledryad · 20/09/2019 10:26

I have no advice but couldn't read and run.
Huge hugs mama you will be in my thoughts.
You are brave and amazing to have got so far. Step at a time you will win. You're a hero.

NotaRealLawyer · 20/09/2019 16:35

Ooh saw you gave the f4j email to the DC at the Met. They''ll know all about them for sure, having nicked a few of them over the years! Well done you!.

Original poster
looondonn · 20/09/2019 17:17

Thank you ALL

Great advice

Felt like utter shit
How dare he say it was all just allegations and ex soon would be cleared

Will keep you updated

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/09/2019 17:22

Don't reply to him please. I'm not sure why people are encouraging you to do so as it will just cause further issues. You've done the right thing forwarding it on to the police. Please just leave it there and see what your solicitor says next week.

Well done on getting out. I'm sorry you've had to go through this xx

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