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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Upset/nursery/partner

27 replies

Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 08:19

Before I blow my top AIBU.
My partner really upset me this morning, I have been on two mandatory training courses for work 70 miles away the past 2 days meaning I’ve only been able to see my LO for half hour a day max!

I got home yesterday and had him in bed for 1930, but he wanted me to lie down with him and chat, it was obvious how much we both missed each other. Anyway I lost track of time and my partner comes up stairs to have a go, saying it’s now 8pm and he’s going to be tired for nursery (which I understand but it was only 30 mins later!, and he’s 3)

This morning my LO is emotional and doesn’t want me to go to work ( who can blame him, 1 1/2 hours over 2 days is not enough, I feel guilty as it is!) Anyway my partner said this was my fault and I’m selfish for keeping him awake to talk to him, and took my LO in the other room!!!

Am I being unreasonable or was I selfish? I think I’m over emotional at the moment anyway and I don’t know if I’m being silly or not. I’m really upset, I feel so guilty already, and then to be called selfish for trying to spend time with my LO is the icing on the cake :(

OP posts:
AmIThough · 19/09/2019 08:25

I don't think anyone's unreasonable.

You miss your LO, your LO misses you, and DP is having to deal with the fallout.

Do things go back to normal next week?

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 08:27

Things go back to normal today...
saying that I leave the house for work at 0730 and returned home at 1830, I feel
Guilty constantly.

My partners really lucky because we live a 5 min drive away from his work so he gets there for 0930 and leaves at 1600. I don’t think he realises how lucky he is to work those hours with such little travel time.

Why do we always feel guilty as parents 😬🙁

OP posts:
AmIThough · 19/09/2019 08:29

We feel guilty because we believe nobody can protect or look after our babies as well as we can, and we know they grow up so quickly and don't want to miss a single second.

Lazypuppy · 19/09/2019 08:34

Not all parents feel the guilt you are talking about.

To me it seems a bit over the top/dramatic, a 2 day training course is not the end of the world, i think you are making it into a much bigger thing at home which your LO is picking up on.

You sound resentful that your DP has a shorter commute

LIZS · 19/09/2019 08:35

It would probably have been better to just leave the parenting to your dh while you were so busy. It was only 2 days.

WorkingMumofTwo · 19/09/2019 08:53

@Maddie2019 is this your first significant time away from your LO? That’s always the hardest, in my experience.

You’re not BU (I don’t think either of you are), it’s just a challenging change to your norm. Albeit a short one.

I travel a reasonable amount for work (away once every 6 wks for a week at a time, on avg) and find it’s actually easier for EVERYONE if contact is kept to a minimum. Especially when the children were younger, around the age of yours now.

That way, they don’t get upset with seeing / hearing Mummy but not being able to be with me. DH doesn’t have to deal with the emotional fall-out. And I don’t get upset having to hang up the phone when there are obviously upset children on the other end.

Doesn’t help with the mum guilt though! Smile

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 08:59

Thanks ladies for your messages.
I think it’s just been an emotional time and something I need to get used to :(

OP posts:
Userzzzzz · 19/09/2019 09:00

I think it does sound like it was more about you than him to be honest. It is really hard though. My husband is doing very late nights at the moment and she’s adapted to not seeing him. It is actually far more disruptive if he is home ‘early’ just as she’s going to bed because she’s then really tired but wanting to chat and stay up and she’s then grumpy in the morning.

Her0utdoors · 19/09/2019 09:06

Are you certain your dp isn't being mardy because he feels more entitled to your time than your child does? In his opinion should you have said a quick night night to your child then been all his?
Has he had to do more than his usual amount of childcare the last couple of days? So many fathers will make things unpleasant for the mother if they feel they have had to work below their perceived pay grade and actually shoulder the grunt work of child rearing.

Magicmama92 · 19/09/2019 09:36

I can sort of understand why hes upset. You did it for two days and whilst it's normal to miss your child you should have kept to the routine of bedtime becouse even half an hour can make a huge difference. Saying that your oh should discuss it with you rather than having a go then going in a different room.

Cuppa12345 · 19/09/2019 09:46

I don't see my toddler during the week as I leave the house at 6.30am and get back at 7.30pm. I'm not purposefully trying to 1 up you but just saying that I would love to have 30 mins a night with mine. I agree with your partner that it wasn't fair to keep him up past his bedtime just because you felt like you hadn't seen him.

Also, I'll probably get flamed for this, but 'mum guilt' doesn't have to exist and you can decide whether or not to feel guilty about not seeing them. Your 3 y/o had a parent with him for longer than 90 mins and while I get you missed him, you were working and it's a 1 off and he wasn't left with strangers or extended family. I think yabu, sorry.

Decide not to feel guilty about it and realise that men don't feel guilty despite more often than not being out the house for as long or longer. We are told that we should feel guilty working, not working, staying in poor relationships, being on our own, spoiling them, being strict, having routines, not having routines, missing them, not missing them. Honestly, check out of it all.

Cuppa12345 · 19/09/2019 09:49

If a mum was on here saying that their kid goes to sleep at 7.30pm as otherwise he gets overtired and emotional going to nursery in the morning but that the dad decided to keep them up until 8pm each night because they felt like they wanted to talk but had been at work all day, it would be clearer to mums on here that it was unreasonable behaviour.

Upsiedasie · 19/09/2019 10:10

I can understand why you wanted to spend time with him but it probably would have been better to keep the routine and get him to sleep.

He will be missing you but him being tired too is probably not going to help matters.

Don’t beat yourself up though, plan to do something nice with him on your next day off.

AussieBeauty · 19/09/2019 10:14

I understand you miss him, but it would have been better to stick to his bedtime routine.

BlingLoving · 19/09/2019 10:15

I do feel sympathetic to your desire to be with him because you missed him but I would probably be your DP in this scenario - frustrated because the DC is going to be tired and emotional the next day. And he's the one who will have to handle that in terms of getting him ready, taking him to nursery etc.

Excited101 · 19/09/2019 10:18

You were being selfish to ease you guilt. It was 2 days and you put your own feelings ahead of your child.

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 10:43

Can’t help but feel your message was a little too harsh.
It wasn’t to ease my guilt, it's because i missed him. And as stated I lost track of time talking to him, he wanted to tell
Me about his day at nursery. I couldn’t just shut him down, nor did I intend to keep him up until 8!

OP posts:
Userzzzzz · 19/09/2019 11:07

You seem to be in a place where you’re finding it harder than most people and still dwelling on it. Is there anything else going on that is causing the guilt/worry? You shouldn’t have to feel guilty for working. You’ll be providing for him in other ways. Unfortunately there is no perfect family set-up and there will always be compromises.

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 11:44

I guess I find it hard as none of my friends who are parents work full time , and none of my family with children work full time either (mum, stepmum, auntie didn’t, none of friends do).

I feel so guilty that My LO has to miss out
On picnics, park trips, cinema days because everything they do is on a weekday😬

OP posts:
AmIThough · 19/09/2019 11:48

@Maddie2019 you're changing your tune now. You could always suggest a picnic on a Saturday, surely?

You're making it sound, now, like he should support you making a change to part time so you can have all of the fun with DS...

Brefugee · 19/09/2019 11:49

your LO isn't missing out, he is having a different life. And it looks as though he gets lots of time with his dad which many children don't.

I get the impression that deep down you think you're missing out though. The only way you can sort that out is discuss your options with your DH and see if you can change your job.

FWIW: when i used to read stuff about children of working mothers missing out it used to give me all the bloody rage. Because i worked (a lot) and so did their dad. And they were perfectly happy to go to the childminder and do all the stuff with her. But people used to say it to my face to upset me. And in the end i just used to tell them to pick on someone else to try their guilt-tripping on.

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 11:51

No we both work full time, we cannot afford to go on part time unfortunately, although I would jump at the chance if I could.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 19/09/2019 11:53

I feel for you - when i first went back to work after 3 years mat leave, i cried in the loo a lot.

But in the end you do what you have to do. And you sound like a lovely mum so don't beat yourself up about it.

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 19/09/2019 12:01

Thankyou so much, I guess it’s something I will in time get used to. It’s nice to know there are others who have felt the same way when returning to work Flowers

I

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 19/09/2019 12:05

As a child my dad used to work away from home. Three months on and then two weeks off. My mum told me recently that the hardest thing for her and which annoyed her the most was the fact that dad would come home and he would then be the centre of our universe because we hadn’t seen him. So we would do fun things and spend time and practically think he was the messiah while she was the one having to pick up the discipline and the school stuff etc and left with the fallout once he went back to work.

It’s hard being away from them for any time. But if his dad has been there and been looking after him while you’ve been away then it’s going to be as hard on him because he’s having to deal with the fallout.

And it’s only been two days. And you said that things were already going back to normal today, so it wasn’t as if you were snatching some time with him last night knowing that you’d have to be away again today.

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