DS' (16) Behaviour & His Phone

[CJDoesTheJackal]

DS has just gone into Y12. He's not finding it as easy as he thought he would (3 very academic subjects). He's really bright but historically quite lazy and he was disappointed in his GCSE results (3 X 7s, 4 X 6, 1 X 5, 2 X 4).

He's retaking English language in November as he got a 4, and whilst he doesn't like English one bit, he wants to try to get a 6 (required for Comp Sci degree at a good uni). As always he has our full support. He will have 2 hours' English per week at college plus I have found him an excellent tutor who will come for one hour per week. DS and I also chose a book together because ideally he needs to be reading.

He's a lovely boy 80% of the time but he has a foul temper and he struggles to open up (unlike DS (14) who is the polar opposite.

We had a heated, brief discussion 2 nights ago because we bought the book on Saturday and in 4 days he has read about 20 pages. He said the c word in the next room such that I heard ("f'ing c*) and he punched something in the garage. I took his phone away (he swears around us but has never uttered the c word and knows how I feel about it).

I know he's struggling a bit with the step up to college. Even the fact that it's a one hour round trip on the bus Vs an 8 minute walk to school. He's not the most organised of kids and DH and I are trying to step away and let him manage himself but he won't be finding this easy, partly because he's lazy.

DH (his dad) has told him he needs to apologise to me and then he can have his phone back. Apologise for the language, and the attitude. The last 2 years of GCSEs have been fraught with having to be on his case to try to allow him to reach his potential. I've told him that retaking English is his decision and that he doesn't have to, but that if he does, he needs to out in 100% effort. Two of his A levels were studied at GCSEs and he got 7s so he should have the brain capacity to cram for English.

I'm struggling with the phone thing. I know he misses it terribly (he has a new GF: his first) but I feel like it's tough love time. We are good parents. We support our boys in everything. I want him to be happy. But I just need him to grow up. DH, and even DS2, agree.

Am I BU?

I think the phone consequence was fair. The jump from gcse to a-level is quite significant and much harder than a lot of children expect. The jump from a-level to degree level is actually more manageable especially as at a level things aren’t spoon fed any more and independent learning is expected so it is going to be a tough time for him.
The only advice I’d give is make sure he has one day a week of down time where he can relax and do what he wants and his studies aren’t mentioned unless it’s him talking about it. We all need that but when children are studying we sometimes forget that

Do you mean he was calling you/someone else in the house a cunt or you just overheard him saying it in a different context?

OP, you're saying your DS is lazy, but it may be that he is not actually as bright as you think, so it would appear that he's lazy.

Thanks user. Good advice. He has a lot of down time and he has a fantastic group of mates. Really good kids (most of whom are hard working but it's not quite rubbed off yet!). He's into weight training and he goes to the gym a few times a week with a couple of his friends. Actually he's not been much lately with college and I expect that's having an effect.

I have no idea how old he is, but at any age, why is swearing acceptable? Why are some words ok but not the word cunt? Because you don't like it? But you don't care if he uses other foul language?

Some weird double or zero standard thing going on here.

I'm in my 40's and still talk respectfully around my parents.

chame he went into the garage where we have a gym and stubbed his toe so said it about that but deliberately loud enough for me to hear.

Soon yes I can understand why you would say that and it's a discussion DH and I have had, but we don't believe it to be true when we see how quickly he has picked things up ever since starting school, and how quickly his brain works. We lived in SE Asia for one year 7 years ago where daily Mandarin was compulsory. He was good at it and had tuition when we came back. He got a B in Mandarin GCSE aged 13/14.

Job where did I say that swearing around us is acceptable? He does not casually swear. But if he's cross about something or hurts himself he will. And every single time he gets pulled up in it. We tell him we don't expect him to not swear with friends but that he absolutely needs to be able to control his language. We tell him how important this is at work etc. His gf has 2 younger siblings and hates swearing and I'm hoping this will also have an impact on him.

I would pick your battles. Swearing in earshot, but not in front of you, would not be one of them for me, esp if he's doing it to get a reaction from you.

I'd also let go of the "lazy" label. If he's at college all day and weight training he's clearly not that lazy. I mean, I'm sure he could work harder, but so could most people.

He said it loudly when he hit his toe, in that case I thonknypu are being totally unreasonable. He's finished secondary school he's doing his a levels and you're treating him like a baby.

Did he call you a cunt, or just shout the word?

I have a 16yr old DS who has just started college, probably doing similar subjects to your boy (phys, maths, further maths) and it is pretty challenging, it seems.

To do English GCSE alongside would be very tough. My son never read, and I gave up on that I admit to my shame. He still got his grade 6/7 for English/English lit ENTIRELY by focussing on exam technique (oh and he is dyslexic) as we were lucky he had a very switched on teacher.

In your shoes, I’d forget about forcing him to read. Instead I’d get a tutor who is good at exam technique, and who knows how to get the marks.

Also, i notice you say his younger brother is nicer, and agrees with the punishment, I’d say: please never pitch your boys against eachother, and never involve one in the punishment of the other, or you’ll end up with a “black sheep” and a “golden boy” which is not a good dynamic.

Get a tutor, give him some space (no need to make him read) and a bit of sympathy.

Thanks Barbarian. College is 15 taught hours. He's then meant to spend 15 hours self studying. He's not quite getting that at the moment. For example the other day he didn't need to leave until 11. He was in bed at 8.45 watching You Tube. Vs getting up and getting cracking. It's that sort of laziness. He is extremely motivated, when he enjoys something. Thankfully he's chosen his own A Levels and they are his favourite subjects.

Chicken nowhere do I say younger DS was nicer. I said they are opposites. DS2 and I had a discussion yesterday about DS1 whilst DS1 wasn't here. DS is opposite in that he struggles at school but works harder because he has to. DS2 has a higher EQ, DS1 has a higher IQ. That's what I meant. There are no favourites in this house and our DSs are best friends. I've never known two closer brothers.

Yeah, but you should bot discuss DS1 with DS2

And saying they are opposites indicates you are comparing them

I would not discuss DS1 and his behaviour with my DS2

Confiscating his phone at 16 for swearing when he stubbed his toe is completely ridiculous. You're definitely BU with that. Also, "I just need him to grow up. DH, and even DS2, agree." How on Earth is your 14 year old coming to be allowed to express that opinion?

Well each to their own chicken. DS1 asked me whether I was going to give DS2 his phone back. He said "I love DB and I want him to be happy, but I also know why you took his phone away". To which I said "I know, I feel the same, and I will give him his phone back when we've talked about what happened. That was it. End of conversation. A very healthy, loving chat. Would you rather I shut DS2 down and say "NO, I won't discuss your brother with you"?

Re the not making him read/exam technique. I agree but that's hard with English language. It's a hard exam to study for, and reading will help massively.

The step up to A level is huge as is the change going to college. I would give him some time to settle in to it and the re-evaluate in a month or so. It maybe frustration boiling over in him as it can be very overwhelming. The self study is hard to learn when school is so intense with little down time and college is so different. Do not allow bad language but also give him the space to tell you that he is finding it hard. Been through this recently and it is very frustrating as a parent.

Chame sorry not to be clear. I was summarising that DS2 could understand why DS1 didn't have his phone. As above.

Wow. I'm quite surprised at how many people think that that kind of language is acceptable in the home, stubbed toe or not.

Thank you mum. That's a really helpful response. Yes, I know he's struggling. He's naturally fiery and his way of coping is to get stroppy.

He has his phone back. He apologised and gave me a hug this morning.

You say yourself he's having a difficult time with the transition. I wouldn't have punished him for swearing when it wasn't at anyone and he wasn't in the same room. I'd have had a conversation with him about the word he used instead

I have a d's the same age , the lead up to exams was difficult to say the least. It's the only time d's has been difficult. There's so much pressure on them

I think you’ve been hugely unreasonable to be honest. You’re punishing him for being stressed and swearing in another room!

I think taking his phone away is a bit harsh he swore in another room as he had hurt himself. I would say his lack of motivation is your main issue. Maybe a 6th form school
Would be better suited to his learning style rather than college

@CJDoesTheJackal

Sorry. I misunderstood. When you said he swore around you and nothing more I did assume that meant you were ok with it.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be calling a policeman or my granny it, but I think it's seriously heavy handed to confiscate his phone for using it in the abstract. Plenty of well-rounded, conscientious adults use the word cunt. Your rules on language and your reasons for confiscating his phone all seem a bit vague/inconsistent/arbitrary to be honest.

He's very nearly an adult and it comes across that you treat him as the same age or younger than your 14 year old. If you want him to grow up you need to treat him a bit more like the grown up he will very soon be. You wouldn't expect an adult not to swear or to read for pleasure on a dictated timescale (one hopes!) and that day will come round very soon.

He's at a 6th form college already.

It's not just the swearing. That was kind of the last straw. It's the general attitude. Twice he has punched his bedroom wall and damaged thepaint/plaster. As I said in my first post, he has a foul temper. He can go from perfectly fine to raging in the space of a minute. Much of this will be hormones. And stress, of course.And also his nature. He's always been intense. It's been like this for over a year. We've had conversations about it when he's calm, which in fairness is most of the time. He's very tactile and loving and a wonderful boy. Makes us all laugh so much. I guess it's just got to the point where I just need him to see that there are consequences to his actions. He has a very loving family and a secure home life, with fab friends as mentioned. We encourage him to open up and talk as much as possible, without badgering him, but opening up doesn't come easy to him. But ultimately he does need to take responsibility for his actions so 2 days without his phone has at least, hopefully, made him think.

I wonder how others punish (for want of a better word) behaviour they don't find acceptable?

I missed the punching things, my eldest did this quite a bit between the ages of 14-16 with doors, he got fed up of having to fill, sand and paint them in the end I think.

He grew out of it . I don't think he liked losing any money he had having to spend it on stuff to fix the damage he did