DS' (16) Behaviour & His Phone

[CJDoesTheJackal]

DS has just gone into Y12. He's not finding it as easy as he thought he would (3 very academic subjects). He's really bright but historically quite lazy and he was disappointed in his GCSE results (3 X 7s, 4 X 6, 1 X 5, 2 X 4).

He's retaking English language in November as he got a 4, and whilst he doesn't like English one bit, he wants to try to get a 6 (required for Comp Sci degree at a good uni). As always he has our full support. He will have 2 hours' English per week at college plus I have found him an excellent tutor who will come for one hour per week. DS and I also chose a book together because ideally he needs to be reading.

He's a lovely boy 80% of the time but he has a foul temper and he struggles to open up (unlike DS (14) who is the polar opposite.

We had a heated, brief discussion 2 nights ago because we bought the book on Saturday and in 4 days he has read about 20 pages. He said the c word in the next room such that I heard ("f'ing c*) and he punched something in the garage. I took his phone away (he swears around us but has never uttered the c word and knows how I feel about it).

I know he's struggling a bit with the step up to college. Even the fact that it's a one hour round trip on the bus Vs an 8 minute walk to school. He's not the most organised of kids and DH and I are trying to step away and let him manage himself but he won't be finding this easy, partly because he's lazy.

DH (his dad) has told him he needs to apologise to me and then he can have his phone back. Apologise for the language, and the attitude. The last 2 years of GCSEs have been fraught with having to be on his case to try to allow him to reach his potential. I've told him that retaking English is his decision and that he doesn't have to, but that if he does, he needs to out in 100% effort. Two of his A levels were studied at GCSEs and he got 7s so he should have the brain capacity to cram for English.

I'm struggling with the phone thing. I know he misses it terribly (he has a new GF: his first) but I feel like it's tough love time. We are good parents. We support our boys in everything. I want him to be happy. But I just need him to grow up. DH, and even DS2, agree.

Am I BU?

I would pick my battles. If he swore to your face about something you did that’s one thing but going into the garage, stubbing his toe and either deliberately being loud so you would hear or being loud because he was annoyed at the time I just would turn a bit of a deaf ear to. Taking away his phone is not a relatable punishment and most experts would say the punishment should fit the crime for it to be effective.

He will be struggling with the transition between both environment (school to college) and learning style (GCSE to A Level) plus a commute he’s not used to and it’s all going to take some getting used to. I’m presuming he did no English over the summer as he expected to pass. If so it would be better to delay the retake to allow more time. I’m guessing we are talking Language and not literature? If so reading is very unlikely to help him at this stage of the game, it’s 100% about technique. I have experience of this with my DS.

Ultimately if he wants to go to uni and needs a 6 he will get there in the end even if he’s lazy. Is doing A levels right for him or would he be better off doing a btec or more technical qualification if he wants to go on to study computer science. Lazy and A level don’t really go together so unless he loves his subjects, he is going to find it really tough.

You are doing everything you can in providing a caring home and a tutor to help. You can’t do it for him and if you prop him up now he will fall apart at uni as so many do. If he wants it badly enough he will get there. It may not be in your preferred time frame and may end up taking him an extra year but would that really be the end of the world?

Sorry, I also think it is totally ridiculous to confiscate his phone for swearing when he stubbed his toe. The first time my mother heard me swear was when I was about 14, tripped and said fuck out loud. She just laughed and normally was pretty strict. Even in work where swearing is totally frowned upon, we might say watch the language if the same thing happened, but would understand it was an instinctive response to pain.

I really do think you need to pick your battles here and accept if you want him to be more grown up, things like this aren't really a big deal. The laziness is a totally different issue and should be handled separately.

As for the younger brother, I might have said something similar at that age to show I was the good child

My boys are a little older than yours, DS2 went through a similar 'angry' phase when he was 15/16. I think a lot of it is hormones. Also if they find it hard to talk about things, it tends to bottle up and come out in anger and aggression. Its not always easy for them to make the adjustment from school to sixth form. An hour each way on the bus is a big change compared to what he was used to. Can you encourage him to get back to the gym? My DS is always much better when he's exercising.

I think you should cut him some slack. His phone is his lifeline, taking it away will make him angry and resentful. Swearing because he hurt his toe isn't really all that terrible. My advice is to try and keep things calm as you can and pick your battles. Sometimes you have to just learn to bite your tongue, it does make things easier in the long run.

I do wish people would read RTFT. It's not just about the swearing.

Barbed you may well have done, but that won't have been DS2's motive.

Just seen your update that it's not just about the swearing. The punching walls is obviously not acceptable, I would make it clear that if he does it, he's responsible for fixing the damage. The book - I think you need to back off. He's 16, he's chosen to resit English. It's up to him whether he chooses to put the effort in.

Phones are their windows to the world, their social life and friend network. I would, having dealt with a very angry teen, try to avoid phone confiscation if at all possible. It works very well with younger teens but not so much as this age. Can you withdraw some data or allowance instead? He wanted your attention by swearing within earshot. He got it. Unless it's to your face I would completely ignore it. If it doesn't get a reaction then there's no need or audience to it.
It's so tricky handling teens though. Give yourself a break

DS1 is fantastic in so many ways. He's direct, he speaks his mind, he's caring and loving, he's got an amazing sense of humour, he doesn't get involved in drama or game playing, he's a loyal friend. DS1 is not perfect or "the good child". Because of his EQ people confide in him but he tends to get involved in drama, he's got a politician's ability to talk his way out of most things (which doesn't wash with us). We love them both equally. This isn't about that.

Yes it's his decision to resit, but it will cost us £300 in private tuition (not essential, but we want to give home every opportunity to succeed). So he either does it and fully commits. Or he decides not to do it. Either is fine with us

I do wish people would read RTFT. It's not just about the swearing.

In which case it seems an odd choice of moment to confiscate the phone. Natural consequences that relate to those adults might expect would be better (e.g. as EveryFlight describes - he hits a wall, he fixes it and pays for it. He swears, nothing happens. Just like the adult world.)

I have a dd who's hard-working and just started Sixth Form. Her GCSEs were all 7+ and she's finding that it's a massive step up and it's the same schools she went to in y11.

Hasn't fixing the wall stopped ds1 from damaging it? Filling and painting the wall should be enough of a palaver to be a deterrent.

Punching walls is more extreme than shouting expletives. That really does need addressing. Anger management techniques and a clear understanding that losing your temper and control is potentially really dangerous.

He’s struggling so I would think about how you would help a much younger child and adapt those strategies for his age. If he can’t yet fully organise his time he needs support until he can.

Having said that DS was at a similar sixth form college and I never saw him work but he excelled so must have done. He had a similar sort of profile to your DS.

Yes. We have always offered gentle support and help re organising etc. The trouble is he resists or he gets angry. It's sort of a tactic to get us off track re helping him. Because then we get onto his response, rather than him having to knuckle down. He is practically impossible to help!

Punching and damaging things in rage is a massive red flag. Men who do that are at a high risk to become abusive to their partners in future.
This needs addressing. Counselling maybe?

I think you should maybe cut him a bit of slack. My DS is a clever lad and seemed to be working hard for his GCSEs, and got similar grades to your DS. I was initially disappointed, but my DH pointed out that they are mostly As and Bs, and there is just such a lot of pressure on kids these days. He is retaking English too, so I feel your pain! He’s gone into 6th form at the same school and is struggling already with the amount of work, the pressures on your DS will be greater with the change of school.

I think it is a really really stressful time for teenagers. I think school is much harder than it used to be, plus there’s all the worries about growing up, student loans, getting a job, not being able to buy a house, political uncertainty, climate change etc etc. Not to mention hormones. Sorry I’ve gone a bit off target but it is a tough time for kids.

I think you should try to back off with the confrontations and sit down with your son and talk to him about his worries. Ask him why he’s punching the wall. Try to find out what’s going on in his head. Just be there for him really.

Oh and give him his phone back. Who hasn’t sworn when they’ve stubbed their toe?

@CJDoesTheJackal Fair enough. Do you think he would consider getting some kind of professional anger management? Sometimes it is hard for families to deal with things like this because the person in question struggles to open up to them. Sometimes anger at yourself can also be redirected, which could be happening here. Maybe he is just as frustrated with himself as you are and can't deal with it and is lashing out. Not okay obviously, but he could need someone neutral to teach him techniques to channel it.

As for the motivation, the problem is that has to come from him. The whole you can lead a horse to water idea. You can employ tutors or punish him, but only he can work. Could he try working somewhere where there are fewer distractions like the library?

Confiscating a phone of a nearly 17 year old is treating him like a baby, have you ever thought that his temper is caused by frustration because he isn't being treated like an adult? You say that he is set on wanting to go to university after his A levels & GCSE resit, is it him who wants to go or you who is pushing him to go? Maybe he would prefer to be doing a different course or an apprenticeship but feels under pressure because of your expectations, his GCSE grades aren't bad for a boy who you consider to be lazy, it could be time for you to stop looking at what he doesn't do or the grade he hasn't got & look at what he does do & the grades he has got.

Personally I think it’s harsh to punish someone of his age for using a swear word when not actually directed at someone, although I see it’s the tip of the iceberg really.

I also think you need to be clear you are going to take a massive step back - you are giving him a lot of extra support at cost to yourself, but if he wants to do well then it’s him that need to knuckle down. He’s already unhappy because he didn’t work hard during GCSEs - clearly trying to force him doesn’t work.

Maybe give him the warning that post half term break (assuming he gets one) you won’t be getting involved; he either does it or he doesn’t, but what you will be doing is cancelling the extra tuition after Christmas if he can’t demonstrate he’s actually making use of it.

The smashing the walls because of temper is a big issue IMO. Temper tantrums resulting in damage should have immediate withdrawal of pocket money if you give it, and/or he can go and buy the materials and fix it himself. Google is a great tool for that.

Did he ask for a private tutor? It seems you are going to use that as an excuse to nag at him

He needs to fully commit or he decides not to do It?

He decided to retake it even though he doesn't have to, now you are just putting pressure on him because it's costing you money . Also if he's only read 10 pages of a book in 4 days so what. Why are you checking up on him. He's 16 , leave him to it. He'll either do better because he wants to or he won't

You have virtually written your son off because he won't conform to your ideals. He is 16 & will soon be of an age that he can do exactly what he chooses whether you like it or not. You need to start letting him make his own mind up about things & his own mistakes, carry on as you are doing & you could lose him forever. Give him the time & space to learn his own mind, you can still be a loving parent without suffocating him.

Hi op, I can fully sympathise with you here.

My ds is also 16 and has recently started at a sixth form college doing 3 A levels and is re-sitting maths. He has Aspergers and is finding the transition so hard.

The one word i won’t have in this house is the C word. I’ve never even said it myself I just hate it and ds knows my feelings on it.
If I heard him say it I would probably have done the exact same thing and ds’s phone is his world.

Now he knows you are prepared to take his phone away I would hope that he pulls his socks up. My ds is studying much “softer” subjects than yours is and is struggling, despite getting 9/9/7 in them at GCSE.

I have spoken to a few people who have said that the change from GCSE to A level is huge and I’m keeping that in mind.

Ds also has to do a lot of reading for drama and he really dislikes reading! He gave me the book list and I went on Amazon and ordered them. He’s currently working through one book which he should well have finished, he has lots of independent study time at college as it’s an hour away and one bus per day so he goes in usual time even if he hasn’t got a class until lunchtime or whatever.

All I’m doing is reminding him that these are subjects that HE has chosen. If he wants to do well then he needs to read the bloody books. It’s a battle of wills at the moment but i just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in your despair... im sure they will settle down soon and all will be good :)

He’s in a really difficult period in his life at the moment imo.
Be careful how you handle this op.
Help him look at what he’s got on. Help him allocate his time.
He needs his gym time back and he needs his social interaction.
This age is such a vulnerable time for kids. The pressures of studying and the pressures of growing up.