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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shitting myself a little bit?

46 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 05:31

I've changed some details because....well you'll see why.

We live in Australia...semi rural. DD who is 12 has a friend we will call Mary...they've been close for three years. Mary's parents have been divorced for some time.

We've never really liked Mary's Dad. He has a ...strange air about him. Something "Off".

He also has a habit of just turning up at our house if he thinks Mary's with us and asking to take her out with DD. We say no...not our job to facilitate his access. We noted Mary seemed uncomfortable and was always relieved when we sent him away. Mary's Mum just told me he was a narcissist and that she was sorry for the way he is...she'd always said "Don't make Mary go with him if she doesn't want to...but ultimately it's up to Mary"

Mary did or does spend some time with him happily. Like she'd go for sleepovers at his place occasionally or out to dinner with him.

Just found out he's been busted for a large-scale drugs operation PLUS possession of illegal firearms.

He's on bail.

I feel very nervous he might turn up. Apparently forensics are at his property (BIG property...think ranch sized place) Forensics!

My DD has fucking STAYED in that place! With drugs being made or sold there...don't know what drugs. And unlicensed GUNS on the premises.

I feel stupid for not listening to my instincts. I never liked him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 05:46

Anyone? I just need someone to come along and say "Meh it's fine!" or something.

OP posts:
zebra22 · 19/09/2019 05:49

Wow that must be a shock to you but your DD is safe and Mary is safe and hindsight is a wonderful thing

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2019 05:53

Have you posted about the access arrangements before? Sounds vaguely familiar, just curious.
Glad they're both safe. I can't lie, Id feel the same as you!

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 05:55

Zebra thanks but I don't feel quite safe as he's on bail. I had reached a point with him where I wasn't picking up the phone to him any more. Mary's Mum had not been transparent with me because she was so traumatised by him...years of terrible abuse and she's practically a shut-in.

Stealth yes. That was me. :(

OP posts:
Jesaminecollins · 19/09/2019 05:57

@HennyPennyHorror

He sounds like a dangerous individual hopefully he will be jailed when his case comes to court and you won't have to worry about him turning up all the time. How long is it until his trial?

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 05:59

I stupidly didn't ask! I hope he's sent down.

OP posts:
AllModra · 19/09/2019 06:00

I remember you having problems with him before.

Nothing new to add, just gutted for Mary that she has this wankstain for a sperm donor, and I don't know how I'd feel if I knew my kids had stayed somewhere like that.

I'm guessing it's not feasible to go L/NC with Mary's family because it would alienate your kiddo.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 06:03

Modra it would be very hard to go no contact with Mary;s family and I wouldn;t want to; her mum is lovely...Mary is delightful. It's not her fault her dad's a fuck nugget. I hate him if I'm honest because he took my dd to that place...we trusted him back then....and he KNEW there were guns and God knows what else there!

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 19/09/2019 06:08

I agree that you can't do anything about hindsight. Your daughter is ok and Mary is ok, and hopefully he will be sent away for a long time. I'd maybe have a chat with your daughter and just make sure she wasn't exposed to anything dodgy there. She probably wasn't, but just in case she saw something and was worried about it.

SplintersOnTheFence · 19/09/2019 06:43

Have you posted this elsewhere? I've read it before. Almost word for word.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/09/2019 06:52

Forgive me but I cannot see why you are worried.
OK I get he might be a drug dealer but pretty sure you are no threat to his operations.
Cannnot see at all that the kids would have been given or exposed to the drugs or weapons if any
He is probably in it for the money and has now been busted it seems this is an occupational hazard!
I would imagine you and your family are in no way involved ..you know him by default, you are not a part of his organization so why are you so worried?
If he gets off and wants to see his daughter so what? Its nothing to do with you, he is pressumably an ok dad in Marys eyes who treats her well if she is happy to go and see him,love him,spend time with him
Just do not get your problem....ok so he might not be a model citizen due to his choice of career but he is no threat to you at all .

Marnie76 · 19/09/2019 06:59

Splinters, OP has already said. Yes she did post the first part before but the arrest and finding out about drugs and guns is new.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2019 07:02

A huge shock for mr you but the "what ifs" will do you no good

Everyone you care for is safe

He won't come after you...this guy has bigger things on his mind

Rest easy. And yes, your instincts served you well.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 07:04

it seems this is an occupational hazard! he is no threat to you at all

That's what I needed to hear! I am prone to histrionics and I think I've been feeling terrible that I didn't listen to my instincts but let DD go to his place. The worry would be if kids were able to access guns or if people who were inherently bad were at the place too.

But you're right. I should forget it now.

OP posts:
raffle · 19/09/2019 07:04

Sally, she’s worried because he has repeatedly shown up at the house. That’s scary given what she now knows about him, his business, his lifestyle.

Hope you are ok OP

Sewbean · 19/09/2019 07:09

I would be worried about him coming to my house too. Even though he will be unlikely to be violent to you, I assume he'll save that for his other drug people.

And I assume he would have kept all his dodgy dealings apart from his DD (and yours) when she was there so she won't have seen anything, don't worry.

But I would still be uneasy, even though I know it's not rational.

lovemenorca · 19/09/2019 07:17

I can’t see why you’re worried
He’s the same as before, no change in him, just been caught and on bail.

Chalfontstgiles · 19/09/2019 07:19

I'm sure if he was going to use and abuse his DC's school pals and their families then he'd have already done so by now. If he's on bail, in all possibility he could be under surveillance and will be keeping his nose very clean to avoid a custodial sentence. I'd arrange for the girls to meet on neutral ground if you're dead worried, rather than your home.

RB68 · 19/09/2019 07:25

You couldn't know stop kicking yourself. I would be explaining to my daughter myself though and letting her see some of the seedy side and how we can't always know etc.

AmIThough · 19/09/2019 07:26

He's not an abuser, he hasn't been charged with assault or murder.

The girls probably haven't had any knowledge of drugs or guns.

Please don't blame yourself. Has DD always been happy when she's come home? I'm sure she's fine, don't worry!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 19/09/2019 07:28

Raffle ..I understand where you are coming from but he has only turned up at the house with one objective in mind ,,,to see his daughter. All will be well I am sure OP.

Morgan12 · 19/09/2019 07:32

Yeah I've also read this before?

Anyway what's done is done. Listen to your instincts more from now on. Obviously it's not ideal but youd DD is totally fine and clearly didn't come across any drugs or guns so no harm done.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/09/2019 07:33

Can you just not answer the door if he turns up?

ariamontgomery · 19/09/2019 07:34

I remember your first post OP! I think I’d be reducing my daughters time with Mary until the man is behind bars. I’d also be keeping them apart permanently if for some reason he gets out of going to prison. They can be friends in school but I wouldn’t be having my child put at risk by being exposed to an incredibly dangerous man. I’d also be quite upset with Mary’s mum for not giving any heads-up or warning that her ex was a serious criminal, and basically saying to Mary’s mum that she needs to either ensure the dad stays away from you and your house and family or that your daughter won’t be able to see Mary outside of school for the time being.

ariamontgomery · 19/09/2019 07:40

Sorry but find it utterly shocking that people are saying the children weren’t at risk while they were there, IN the building where stuff was presumably found or happened! How many American children accidentally shoot and kill their friends, parents or siblings each year when they find a gun in the house and don’t realise it’s not a toy? What if the kids found some of the drugs and took something out of curiosity or confusion? What if there was an attack or some violence that happened while the kids were there? Where I live it’s not uncommon to read about drug dealers breaking into each other’s houses and attacking or even killing each other in arguments about owed money or whatever the Hell drug dealers fight about - just recently a guy was shot in his own home. What if something like this happened when the girls were there? Also, not to mention the fact that a nice, respectable, reasonable man who you want around your children wouldn’t be a bloody drug or weapons dealer in the first place! So what kind of man must he be?!? I would be utterly furious and beyond freaked out!