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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shitting myself a little bit?

46 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 05:31

I've changed some details because....well you'll see why.

We live in Australia...semi rural. DD who is 12 has a friend we will call Mary...they've been close for three years. Mary's parents have been divorced for some time.

We've never really liked Mary's Dad. He has a ...strange air about him. Something "Off".

He also has a habit of just turning up at our house if he thinks Mary's with us and asking to take her out with DD. We say no...not our job to facilitate his access. We noted Mary seemed uncomfortable and was always relieved when we sent him away. Mary's Mum just told me he was a narcissist and that she was sorry for the way he is...she'd always said "Don't make Mary go with him if she doesn't want to...but ultimately it's up to Mary"

Mary did or does spend some time with him happily. Like she'd go for sleepovers at his place occasionally or out to dinner with him.

Just found out he's been busted for a large-scale drugs operation PLUS possession of illegal firearms.

He's on bail.

I feel very nervous he might turn up. Apparently forensics are at his property (BIG property...think ranch sized place) Forensics!

My DD has fucking STAYED in that place! With drugs being made or sold there...don't know what drugs. And unlicensed GUNS on the premises.

I feel stupid for not listening to my instincts. I never liked him.

OP posts:

AmIThough · 19/09/2019 07:44

@ariamontgomery yes they were at risk but now they're not and they're safe. The point is it's not OPs fault and her daughter is fine!

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2019 07:47

Of course they were at risk! Has anyone said they weren't? But all has worked out OK and they're no longer at risk.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/09/2019 07:58

It's worth bearing in mind that people like this man are not only motivated by money, rather than fond of violence for its own sake, but it's quite common for them to be very focussed on their DCs' wellbeing and safety, and actively working to keep a border between their criminal activities and their DC. Think of all the mafia boss types whos DDs are 'Daddy's little princess'....

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 08:01

Snitzel that's my plan now yes.

He's not an abuser, he hasn't been charged with assault or murder.

Well I don't know what he's done....why would forensics be at his place? Anyone know?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 19/09/2019 08:02

He's not an abuser, he hasn't been charged with assault or murder.

OP has said the mother was abused, so yeah, he is

OP yes she was at risk. Anyone in the house of a drug dealer is at risk of fallout. But it's done now and she never has to go there again. No harm done in the end.

Posters who keep saying 'I've read this before' yes that's because the OP has posted about it before ffs

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 08:07

Montgomery that was my thought too!

OP posts:

NettleTea · 19/09/2019 08:23

To be honest I doubt either your DD or Mary have been exposed to the seedier side, because he wont want to blow his cover and kids talk.

If he is anything like my dodgy ex (not as high up the chain as this, but certainly in the same line of work) the children will be nothing more than show offs for him - they most likely will have been treated like princesses and paraded around like prize show puppies to demonstrate what a fantastic dad he was.

If he is a narc then those kids are viewed as HIS property and he would take a very dim view af anyone doing anything that might hurt them, because by association they would be disrespecting him. Of course this doesnt extend to HIS rubbish behaviour.

He is not going to risk having a couple of kids walk in on some meth-shop.

NettleTea · 19/09/2019 08:29

Forensics can be brought in to look for all sorts of stuff - not just bodies! may well be trying to establish evidence that drugs were stored or made there.

And abuse may be emotional, coercive, etc not necc violence, and as those above say - just because they are abusive to their wives doesnt always follow that they are, certainly in just small burst of contact, abusive to the kids.

If your daughter has never mentioned anything untoward about going there, I would assume she has enjoyed being spoilt, even though the proceeds that paid for the spoiling came from very dubious circumstances.

I do understand the worry though. I blocked anything but unsupervised access to my daughter and there were 2 lots of 3 years at a time when my ex didnt see her at all. But he is seedy

ShippingNews · 19/09/2019 08:37

I'm sure he wasn't doing his drug business when kids were around. Just be glad the girls are fine and he has been caught.

Longlongsummer · 19/09/2019 08:53

You have nothing to be worried about. Your DD and Mary are safe and well. The courts will sort out her father.

I guess in future listen to your gut. It’s unlikely a woman would feel safe enough to just tell you an ex is abusive. They might not be believed and it’s somehting they’ve had to repress for years. So you have to trust your own gut.

WonderWomansSpin · 19/09/2019 08:58

Forensics would be there because of the drugs and possibly the guns eg doing ballistics checks, etc.
I remember when you posted about him before.
I don't think you need to worry now. You don't know what was at the house when your DD stayed there. He may store the drugs and guns elsewhere.
Sticking to the facts, be grateful all of this has come to light and nothing happened when your DD was there. She didn't witness anything.
Ultimately you should be relieved. Who and what he is, is now out in the open.

MollyButton · 19/09/2019 09:16

I think the key thing is your DD and Mary are okay.
What ifs aren't helpful. We all do or nearly do dangerous stuff and whilst they may freak us at 3 am, the best thing is to just move on.

And remember in future to trust your instincts.

Somma · 19/09/2019 09:18

Some Mumsnetters are a bit relaxed about this.

But that’s why you should get to know the parents first before allowing your DD to go to their house.

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 09:43

Somma I agree..and we DID think we'd got to know him. We'd had coffees together, seen him at school functions...all the usual stuff.

Long chats in our garden over tea.

Then this...the thing about this type of person though is they don;t display their character to the world...for obvious reasons.

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 19/09/2019 09:45

But that’s why you should get to know the parents first before allowing your DD to go to their house

🙄 seriously? Do you think if they’d invited him around for supper he’d have said ‘oh & I’m a drugs dealer with guns’

Jesus wept, don’t be so stupid. You’re daft if you think you ‘know’ your kids friends parents because you’ve met them a few times.

Henny. I remember your previous thread about this. He was so keen to ‘spoil’ the girls, I really think he wouldn’t have exposed them to the ‘business’ & even twat head dealers can love their kids & like their friends.

The girls didn’t come to any harm, it’s all ok. Bit of luck he’ll be put away for a decent while, but in the meantime, could you get any kind of order that means he can’t turn up at your house?

Honestly though, you don’t need to worry or beat yourself up, the kids are fine! What he’s doing is the money making business end of things, not the lower end where the kids are at risk from being asked to ‘help’.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/09/2019 09:47

X posted with your last post, illustrating my point nicely! You REALLY don’t know people just by socialising with them a bit.

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 19/09/2019 09:59

Sad I doubt any order would happen....he's never done anything to me has he?

I mean...people THINK they know someone don't they? But you never really do do you? Only the people you live with are privy to who you really are.

My friends split up a few years ago and it turns out he was a violent bastard but I'd NEVER have known that. We knew them for a long time too.

OP posts:

Longlongsummer · 19/09/2019 10:34

OP that is true, however more and more in life I listen to my instincts. You said that the father would just turn up and want to take them both off, and Mary looked uncomfortable. I’d be wary of someone who did this, it’s quite controlling.

I guess it’s a reminder to us all. That it is okay to say no, or be a bit fussy about where our kid goes. That is not over parenting, which seems to get a bad rap.

Somma · 19/09/2019 11:11

IncrediblySadToo Don’t be stupid. But I will get to know the parents for a lengthy amount of time. The more you get hang around with a person the more you’ll see their true personality. That’s a fact. I would have arranged play dates with their child but supervised. I would never leave my DS alone with a family, in their house, who I did not know.

Also, you’ll just have a niggly feeling that a person is dodgy.

OP it’s not your fault, don’t worry about it too much. Now you know the situation, just learn from it and trust your instincts.

MollyButton · 19/09/2019 12:40

@Somma - you have amazing skills.
After most major crimes etc. you get lots of people coming forward and saying "He was so softly spoken", "She was so ordinary", "He loved his kids" etc.

My DC have known at least 2 fellow pupils who were arrested. The one arrested for drug dealing sat next to my DS for a couple of years and was a typical science nerd, and even the teacher was shocked when they discovered why he wasn't there one day. In my DD's case, the boy was quiet, a bit troubled but too quiet if anything - and he was the one sentenced for murder (a brutal murder but with a lot of provocation).

Yes listening to your instincts helps. As does listening to your DC. But you can't totally protect them - and none of us really have "super powers" to spot a wrongun. They often seem very very normal.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/09/2019 22:14

IncrediblySadToo Don’t be stupid. But I will get to know the parents for a lengthy amount of time. The more you get hang around with a person the more you’ll see their true personality. That’s a fact. I would have arranged play dates with their child but supervised. I would never leave my DS alone with a family, in their house, who I did not know

You’re bloody rude & it’s not ME being stupid.

Get back to me when you have children older than the ‘play date’ age

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