AIBU about this incident at nursery

[Mar19901]

Okay i fully accept that i may bu but i just need to let this out.

Ds is 3 years old have posted previously has several health conditions and being assessed for autism. He started nursery last week monday we have been under the Early Years Inclusion team for the last year so he has a plan in place and the teacher that comes home has been great in assessing his needs. she has handed this over to the nursery and nursery manager (also SENCO) has been great. on our first day last week she sat with me explained his settling in period would be longer and more gradual etc i felt put at ease as ds never leaves my sides even going to bathroom is a session of crying so i fully knew it wasn't going to be easy. She assigned him a key worker who also seems very lovely very understanding ds can sometimes be violent toward himself mainly but sometimes others when worked up she seemed to really take this on board. so all in all i was feeling very supported and reassured with this transition.

fast forward to today, whole of last week stayed with ds in class for abouy 45mins last 15 mins i leave him with them and wait in lobby area still can see him but he cant see me. He has been screaming the place down non stop crying banging his head on door etc. his key worker tries her best to distract him and after 15 mins im allowed to take him home.

Yesterday nursery manager was away? so during 15 mins i was out of room DS was screaming but kind of just left to it. i could hear his key worker saying to another member of staff 'no eye contact with (ds name)' need to be a bit stern with him etc. DS continued to scream so other staff member was trying to distract him but ds Key worker kept saying leave him dont make eye contact etc. about 15 mins later she handed him to me saying he was better than previous days tomorrow we will try 30 mins me out of room.

is this normal? aibu.

Im trying very hard to work with nursery to ensure smooth transition im not being precious or over protective i know ds is hard work and fully understand nursery cant care for him one on one all time but just the fact that i could hear key worker saying that stuff has made me feel a bit weird.

sorry for long post

Not sure about the stern bit at all.

However I have settled little ones in with me before and eye contact has set them off so I avoid it. Not to ignore them but because it’s too confrontational for them. I’ll play alongside them or comfort them from the side/behind.

If you are unsure about the key person's approach, then discuss it with her, ask what her thinking is. Lots of children with autism find eye contact challenging so she may have wanted to avoid that.
If fussing and trying to distract him was just making him scream then it seems sensible to try another approach.

So DS is screaming with anxiety because his safe person has left him (you) and his key worker thinks the way to help him cope is to leave him on his own and avoid even looking at him? I bloody hope it's not normal!

I think she’s right. She’s using strategies here to help him get used to the setting.

i could understans if she was trying to distract him by some other method as she previously has done last week but i just felt put off by the fact she was just wondering the room and telling the other nursery staff member not to make eye contact and we need to be a bit stern with him he needs to cry it out. keeping in mind i could see all this happening ds was banging head om the door trying the latch to open it so other member of staff was trying to distract him and whilst she was doing so i didnt see ds crying or working up any more so than he already was. i might mention to her tomorrow to see what her thinking behind it was and nursery manager back tomorrow so will see how tomorrows time apart pans out.

also if anyone has been through similar how long did it take for your little ones to settle down into nursery?

please tell me theres light at the end of tunnel..

This sounds so cruel. So so cruel. We had children in settling in when I worked in a nursery and they'd always cuddle the child when they were crying when first taken from parents, and some would put them down once parents left

Others (myself included) cwtched them until they calmed down. He's only 3, he's still a baby. Definitely have a word!

Does your DS accept comfort from other people? It may be that eye and physical contact makes him worse so she’s backing off to prevent that?

thank you for that last post. its not the fact he was crying i fully understand what ds is like he will cry but only way around it is to distract him and yes if she was busy etc i would have understood but to stop another member of staff to distract him just felt unnecessary.

This doesn't sit well with me at all.
I would have suggested you stay at the sessions. Play with him in the setting and gradually reduce the contact you have. If he wants to sit on your lap for the first sessions and watch others or play with the trains constantly thats fine.

When he feels confident he will venture away and gradually you retreat - maybe go to the loo for longer periods, or sit out of the way and read or sharpen pencils etc.

If this is his first nursery experience it will have a masssive impact on his senses and he will ilikely be feeling very disoria]entated and distressed. I would also give him a schedule with a photo of home, then nursery then home then tea then bed. So he has physical evidence that he will be going home again soon.

Do you have a time limit to his settling? Do you need to be at work? There are ways to support a child with ASD to settle that aren't as gentle as you going in and supporting him but they don't involve ignoring him.

I’m not sure you being within sight, even through a door, is helping to be honest. I also have an autistic child and appreciate how hard it can be. Perhaps she was describing minimal eye contact and clear concise instructions, not overloading with verbals, and that case across as ‘be a bit strict’?!

I work with children and every child is so different. I always try and hug the child if theyre distressed leaving a parent. Some are happy for this the whole time. Others don't want you near them. Some need distracting and are then fine. Some are so angry that they need to stand at the door and let it all out. It's so upsetting as a parent. If you don't feel that it's the right way to go about it then speak to the nursery. Most children are settled after a few weeks. Some it takes longer. Just depends on the child. But if you give in and go back to them quickly then they know that they have to scream and shout at the door to get their own way. Doing it little by little sounds like it will help. Can you child take in something familiar from home which may comfort them? Good luck

Op I work with early years children and absolutely you shouldn’t agree to anything that you don’t think is in your son’s best interests. Her approach sounds like something she’s learned about when working with other children (eg don’t force eye contact) but I don’t think any child should be left upset / crying and banging their head on a door; that is just cruel.
Have a chat tomorrow and agree a strategy together- don’t feel like you can’t make suggestions. If it doesn’t feel right then say so. I hope tomorrow is better for you both

This doesn’t sound good. Are there any things he particular likes to play with, or touch, things that could be of a comfort to him while he is there?

Also I think you staying there for such a long period won’t be helping? It may be giving him mixed messages

I had the exact same settling in period except DD wouldn't let me go for the first 6 months!!!! (I can laugh about it now but grief it was exhausting.) I refused to leave her until I knew the staff were comfortable and she was too. It took alot of patience and persistence and alot of tutting from staff but in the end DD was happy for me to leave so she could get up to her mischief. There was no more screaming (well, distressed screaming), no more hair pulling and no more swatting. If you need to stay a little longer to help him get used to his new environment then do so. He needs to feel hes safe and you being there showing him this will eventually relax him and his anxiety will come down. I hope this helps anyway

i appreciate me being there is going to confuse him but the plan as it stands was he will be in nursery for maximum of one hour during which i gradually increase time away from the room which is his nursery. i dont spend time at the door watching in however i do glance in every now an again and was always reassured last week however that one incident has left me feeling not right. i do beleive the fact that nursery manager wasnt there and ds key worker responded in such way just made me feel not right. i am trying my best to help him settle. maybe im being to sensitive. thank you all for your replies

@emmijay thank you that really has helped at the moment i feel like its never going to end. the incident just made me feel weird. ds doesnt talk at all he really doesnt have any understanding so just feel so out of my depth with it.

I am not experienced with autistic children so appologies if im batting way off but, personally i would want to comfort a child like this situation.

I do get her way of thinking, but its not something i would like. Children want to feel safe and secure, regardless. If this was my child and was left to cry it out, he would no longer be at the nursery if they kept doign it. sorry

Aww I know its so hard. DD was also not clearly expressing herself (partially non-verbal you could say) so that was extra anxiety for me as I'm sure it might be for you. The key worker person can't do the whole stern thing yet, its too early and I bet he won't like that. Maybe pull her aside and offer some tips? Or I wrote a small bullet pointed note that I typed up and gave to the staff on things that might help sooth meltdowns or things she'll be interested in doing to distract her (they really tutted at that but it helped!!) - maybe try this? Peace of mind for you if you leave.

Does he need to be there? I know that ultimately he will need to be separated from you to e.g. go to school etc, but as you say he is being left for an hour only does he really have to be there?

He’s so little and is also being assessed for autism and clearly settling in isn’t working at the moment. So tbh unless there is an absolute need for him to be there I would pull him out for now and maybe try again in six months or so when you know exactly what you’re up against.

That is horrid, the poor thing 😢. Imagine you were upset at leaving him and we’re crying in the corridor then people were told to ignore you with no eye contact.
I would 100% speak to the manager and also be asking for a change of key worker.
Tbh I would be looking for other childcare options although. Maybe a childminder would be better suited?

He doesnt need to be there he is nil by mouth fed solely through his ng i had to leave work after maternity finished as his been to unwell so in that sense i dont need him there for childcare. however i always thought it was compulsary for children startimg nursery at 3 years of age. i will be monitoring how session goes tomorrow if it dont sit well with me i will definitely be mentioning it to keyworker/manager and his early years worker. Thank you for all your replies.

No nursery isn’t compulsory at all, he can stay with you until the term after his 5th birthday if you so wish (not saying he should).
Definitely have a chat with the manager and try and get to the bottom of why that happened today and take it from there.

i wouldnt just take him out to keep him at home but just in sense if i needed to change nurserys so he was at home until i found somewhere suitable but im really hoping it wont come to that. once he settled i was hoping he would be in nursery for about 2 hours in morning. just hoping tomorrow goes well cant get rid of that anxious feeling tonight.

That sounds so tough OP. I don't have experience with autism so my thoughts are probably invalid in this circumstance. But my three year old just started preschool and if she had been treated like that I would be very upset about it.

I don't think you should let her try this approach again - it sounds unbearably cruel to leave a distressed child to their own devices, particularly a child who has an even harder time regulating their emotions. I would stay with him for the full session for the rest of the week at least and see how he gets on. Like a pp suggested, tiny increments at a time - toilet break etc.

My DD is on her third week and while there were no tears, she is only now starting to really settle. It's a huge change for your DS, he needs more time to get used to that before you leave him IMO. Best of luck, I hope he settles soon