Sorry it's a Christmas in law one !

[bluedungareesandspottytrainers]

Apologies in advance as I know it's September 🤦🏻‍♀️

First baby, now 14 weeks old 😊

This Christmas I sincerely doubt he will have any understanding 😂 we have an idea of a few things he needs and will buy a few bits of clothes etc from Santa. Mainly so he has things to play with the paper 😂 and for some nice photos to look back on.

My mum asked if there was anything we wanted so she doesn't waste money and we have asked for a walker push along thing to go in his nursery for when he needs it. Mil was there for this conversation and said she is buying already for Christmas. She tends to go ott and I didn't say anything but it upset me a bit as I'm worried she will spend more than we do in the future (much better off) but then I figured I was being silly and it doesn't really matter as no matter what the gifts are its all about the Santa experience really for children and things like putting out his milk and cookies etc! I hardly remember what I got for Christmas as a child but I do remember creeping down the stairs to see if Santa had been!

Anyway today she has been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's weird we are 'dictating what baby is getting'. I'm not dictating at all my mum asked!! Then she said that she will be doing Santa at her house. Dh said she was being daft as our ds is too small to notice this year but that Santa will obviously be at home here in the years to come and she said she is going to tell him that the presents from her are also from Santa.

I'm a bit 🙄 about the whole thing but also annoyed. I feel like she's had her turn to 'be santa' and while I accept I can't dictate how much she buys I thought we would have the excitement of Santa at ours. I hope this makes sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🙈 I just feel like Santa at our house won't be as exciting in years to come if he then has Santa at his granny's with better presents etc.

I don't have a very good relationship with her (understatement) and I'm trying for my son and husband so please tell me if I'm being UR. Not sure there is much I can do about it all anyway.

So weird! My fil does this. Drives me mad. So if someone gives my child a gift then it's from
Them. Me and hubby get presents from Santa for child. However fil comes every Christmas Day and says Father Christmas got you these, so I just constantly correct him and say thank grandad for your gifts!! I don't think he does it in a taking over sort of way, but it just bugs me.

It doesn't sound to me like you are LC.....I would cut back a bit further.

What's the plan for Christmas? Are you staying home? That way MIL has less control over what happens.

I'm still here and reading :-)

Yes @bluebeck I'd like to cut back even further but my dh is happy this way. We see them every month or so (only since we had the baby). My dh speaks to his dad via email every week or so but never about anything actually related to us..it's very odd, like 'how are you? Hope all well' 'fine thanks, you too' 😳

They have very little to do with us or our day to day lives although mil likes to portray us all as very close and her as a doting gm. I'm not actually sure how well she does that as like I say she has met ds maybe 4 times.

Oops sorry forgot to answer your question as I got on a rant 😂

Christmas Eve at home, going to ILs Christmas morning about 9 until 12 then my parents for the rest of the day until we come home 😊 we will also have to call in to see my elderly gps at some point (which I'd like to do as they aren't in good health)

I'm sort of on the fence. I would have felt the same as you initially but now my lo is old enough to get Christmas i'm less bothered. My in-laws dressed up as Santa and gave presents at their house and my lo was delighted. Didn't confuse him, he'd seen Santa at the garden centre and a Christmas party so was used to seeing him in different places. We have Christmas morning to ourselves so always enjoy the initial excitement and don't find having something similar at their house takes away from that. As I said, I haven't always felt this way but now I think the more fun the better. Do agree that it's pointless going OTT for a baby though. And I do prefer it if people ask what to get lo as I don't want them to waste money on stuff he won't use.

I don’t get the ‘Santa presents’ thing.

To me Father Christmas was the delivery boy. My family bought presents and sent them to him. On Christmas Eve, when I was asleep, he brought them into my bedroom.

It’s magical, it’s wonderful and if he leaves some at Nana’s that’s cool too ‘woah, how did he know we’d be here later?’

She doesn’t want you dictating? Yet she’s dictating her terms to you?! She can shove it, stand firm. OP, or pp’s predictions will come true, mil demanding all the firsts, getting his hair cut etc. Just say no and that you simply won’t come round if she tries to insist. She’s had her turn, now it’s yours.

Well you're right on both counts - it won't really matter this year BUT you don't want to give ground as it will set a precedent for future years when it DOES matter more.

Do it your way - if she tries the whole "santa in the home" thing at hers, you can get round it the same way you'd get round "santa in the shops". My kids very quickly realised that there were too many Santas around, so I explained it that they were all Santa's Helpers because he was far too busy getting ready for Christmas. You could say that MIL is one of Santa's helpers, as obviously Santa himself will be delivering to other parts of the world and then SLEEPING. Again, not needed this year - although you could still do it, even though DS won't understand a word, just to drive the point home to MIL - but for future years if needed.

However, your biggest gun here is that if she fucks you over this year, you won't be going anywhere near her house at Christmas in future years until Boxing Day.

As an aside, but this is personal preference, I don't like it when people say ALL gifts are from Santa/ FC - (1) because it means the kids don't thank the right people, and (2) because when it comes to school age, they start to compare notes on presents and the kids who don't do this wonder why Santa likes the kids who do get this better than them, since they get so much more from him.
But that is, as I've said, personal preference and up to you how you deal with it.

Draw your lines in the sand (snow!) now and don't let her push you around.

Sounds like my mil. She always went ott at christmas with loads of tat We didnt see her on xmas day so when our son was small we would just give him some of the presents and bring the rest out at later dates. DS had no idea and neither did she.

Since DS wont remember, this year is the trial run. Be clear to MIL that Santa will only be at your house and warn her that if she oversteps you will have to re evaluate if you visit them on Christmas day again as you dont want your Christmas spoiled by her. She gets a chance this year and you hope she will listen and respect your boundaries. If you tell her now, she has plenty of time to strop and then reflect and decide if she wants to risk it.

You can vet all gifts to your baby until they are old enough to deal with it themselves. In my experience, by then the gifts are out of touch so don’t worry about being outdone in the gift stakes!

MIL sent presents to DC from Santa. We opened them (many unsuitable) and used a few for stocking fillers. She sent gifts from her and FIL, we vetted them and on the occasions she bought what my mother had said she was getting or we already had, they were exchanged. She bought gifts that she pretended were from SIL who never buys gifts for anyone🙄 ditto. She bought a gift for me and one for DH from DC 😡. Plus cards. That was way overstepping the mark. I’d already bought a gift from baby to DH and she was trying to be in on it. Nope. She did the same at valentine’s day, mother’s day... and then DH told her to stop because it wasn’t her place.

We found out the following year that she was buying gifts for random family members “from” my baby. People that we had already sent a gift as a family to . DH told her to stop.

Going to her house is the way of hell. Stay at home an make it a rule. Start now as you mean to go on. Do not drag your baby all over the place because of someone else’s wishes.

My MIL does this sort of thing too. Drives me mad that she buys stuff that I'd rather buy ourselves, like Christmas crackers... I liked to get very nice ones that are relatively expensive but at least the things inside are worth having, but she buys us a huge pack from Poundland. Who decides what crackers a family should have?? Not that I buy them any more at all, as we take MIL out for Christmas dinner anyway. So they aren't needed.

Plus she makes up a second stocking for DS and that always pisses me off. Every year I tell her not to and every year she does it anyway. (I think this year I will have to tell her more robustly as she clearly doesn't care what I think about it.) I try to cut her some slack as she doesn't have any other grandchildren and very few people to buy presents for, so her focus is very much on buying tons of stuff for DS. But even when he was little she had no idea what he liked, or when she did know she bought a really cheap version that didn't work properly, or fell apart with ordinary use, or was very limited in what it could do. I'd personally rather buy fewer items of better quality than loads of cheap rubbish that gathers dust in January.

It sounds so ungrateful, I know. I wish we didn't have to bother with her but she'd hate to be alone at Christmas and if we didn't do anything, she would be. Every year it's been the same, I dream of having a Christmas just how we want it...

Sorry OP, just having a monumental whinge... put your foot down now while your baby is still small, set boundaries firmly. You won't regret it

My mum does this a little bit and we just say (when we go around for lunch which I am v grateful for cos I find Christmas lunch way too stressful) ah look Santa has been here for you too! Look!
Some of this might be cos she wants to see grandchild open presents in front of her?

The other bonus of “Santa delivering to granny’s house as well as ours” is that I insist that all the presents she has bought stay at grandmas house! Less stuff for our house!

When I was little Santa always came to our house and it was very exciting. We opened our presents then went to collect my grandparents and they would be excited about showing us what Santa left for us at their house. I loved this but I did always realise that he hadn't really been there, it was just their way of perpetuating the fun.

I wonder if you can make sure as the years go by that your DC understands the real Santa comes to yours and that his GM just says he has been to her for fun but really the gifts are from her?

My MILs excessive spending at Christmas was also from Santa. I got around the problem by making my 'less well-off Santa' 😂 very magical. When my kids were in bed but not quite asleep I would creep up into the attic, drop a dictionary on the floor, and ring some sleigh bells. It was all very mysterious and quiet, my boys were convinced for years Santa only came to our house. They went through the motions with MIL, but they knew it wasn't really him. Also the tooth fairy left a tiny sprinkle of glitter on their cheeks and pillow and always left the window open 😁. Not sure this helps, I didn't do this because of MIL, I would've done it anyway, but it was never magical at her house, so they never believed.

Ah well. If she doesn’t care about your feelings, you don’t have to care about hers. I played along for years, trying not to rock the boat (with my parents, the in-laws are nice normal people). Eventually I’d had enough and pushed back. Wish I’d done it years earlier.

My mum is a compulsive shopper - I took so many binbags of tat to charity shops after she visited. She made so much work for me that I didn’t need.

Tell MIL that yes, you’re dictating what presents will be kept at your house. Max of 3 from her. If she kicks off, say oh dear, you’re making me unhappy, perhaps we won’t come to you on Christmas day.

Santa also visits families houses here. I thought everyone done this lol. We do the milk and carrots for Santa. The kids have always believed Santa goes to everyone’s houses and leaves them a present at nanny’s to

To me Father Christmas was the delivery boy. My family bought presents and sent them to him. On Christmas Eve, when I was asleep, he brought them into my bedroom.

It’s magical, it’s wonderful and if he leaves some at Nana’s that’s cool too ‘woah, how did he know we’d be here later?’

This is how we had it, and will do it with DS. FC delivers, couple of gifts off him, but also labelled with 'Love Mammy' 'From Nanny Joan' etc. So then you can write thank you cards. Stocking from FC (so stuff that Mummy would NEVER buy, fart noise stuff, poo presents, big thing of sweets etc)

But I think this is about more than santa, it's about her getting her own way and being in charge. And sometimes you have to put your foot down and say enough.