Sorry it's a Christmas in law one !

[bluedungareesandspottytrainers]

Apologies in advance as I know it's September 🤦🏻‍♀️

First baby, now 14 weeks old 😊

This Christmas I sincerely doubt he will have any understanding 😂 we have an idea of a few things he needs and will buy a few bits of clothes etc from Santa. Mainly so he has things to play with the paper 😂 and for some nice photos to look back on.

My mum asked if there was anything we wanted so she doesn't waste money and we have asked for a walker push along thing to go in his nursery for when he needs it. Mil was there for this conversation and said she is buying already for Christmas. She tends to go ott and I didn't say anything but it upset me a bit as I'm worried she will spend more than we do in the future (much better off) but then I figured I was being silly and it doesn't really matter as no matter what the gifts are its all about the Santa experience really for children and things like putting out his milk and cookies etc! I hardly remember what I got for Christmas as a child but I do remember creeping down the stairs to see if Santa had been!

Anyway today she has been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's weird we are 'dictating what baby is getting'. I'm not dictating at all my mum asked!! Then she said that she will be doing Santa at her house. Dh said she was being daft as our ds is too small to notice this year but that Santa will obviously be at home here in the years to come and she said she is going to tell him that the presents from her are also from Santa.

I'm a bit 🙄 about the whole thing but also annoyed. I feel like she's had her turn to 'be santa' and while I accept I can't dictate how much she buys I thought we would have the excitement of Santa at ours. I hope this makes sense 🤦🏻‍♀️🙈 I just feel like Santa at our house won't be as exciting in years to come if he then has Santa at his granny's with better presents etc.

I don't have a very good relationship with her (understatement) and I'm trying for my son and husband so please tell me if I'm being UR. Not sure there is much I can do about it all anyway.

Agree with a PP. Sit down with your oh, agree what you both want and tell her. She will gripe but she is being ridiculous.

I alternate christmas with my DParents and PIL who we live close to. For the inlaws we arrive at theirs c. Midday for lunch and their presents. We breakfast and open our presents at home in the morning. For the xmas at my parents we have to stay over but we do santa in DDs room and my parents do not interfere at all.

Its taken a lot of training to get the inlaws to this stage though!

Father Christmas visits all our family's homes. I thought everyone did it that way obviously we leave out drinks etc for FC and reindeer and it's extra important to be quiet and go to sleep quickly so it's a bit more special here. But sometimes FC can't fit in all the presents down one chimney - so they are spread out.
Never been a problem.
Any tat or anything which I know the children won't play with gets donated or passed on.
my children love the build up to Christmas especially Christmas Eve (best day of the year), getting up very early, playing with their cousins and the food.

You won't be upstaged honestly.

I’d find this annoying, my parents attempt to take over a lot of things, but even they wouldn’t try to take over ‘being’ Santa. I’m sure when DS gets a little older she will realise she prefers getting the credit for buying the presents, rather than Santa getting it all.

But when she does this (even this year) just say ‘oh silly grandma, you know Santa only comes DS at his house. Look at all of these presents from grandma DS, how generous of her’. She’ll hate it but she can’t moan at you when you’re being sooo nice to her.

It surprises me the amount of people each year on here who overthink the whole Santa thing! When my son was younger, it was never even mentioned. Then on Christmas Day my in-laws (now ex) would give my son a bunch of present that they said Santa left at their house for him. It was no big deal. We still done Santa at home in the morning first. It was exciting to have more Santa presents. My own mum always did a stocking for him too which she would say Santa left. My son is 14 now. He never once questioned why Santa left presents in different houses! He has very happy Christmas memories.

OP I have kids,2 of ..one at 28 and one at 8 (don;t ask!) but what I have found over the years is it doesn;t matter who does what or who over compensates or tries to out do each other the kids only want mum and dad.That is what is so important to them,Not what anyone else does just that mum and dad do.Yes they like the gifts and the parties but they really only want the security of their most immediate family,e.g you and dad.If you get your head around that then all will be well and anything anyone else tries to do will just not matter.

Start your own family Christmas traditions from the start. Make it a rule that you go nowhere on or around the holiday & ppl are welcome to come round for an hour or two on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but that's it. If MIL doesn't turn up then fine, her loss. I'd leave visiting her then until about Easter, she can keep the milk & cookies & wrapped presents under a tree until then.

One of my grandmothers did this when we were small - had presents at her house that were from Santa. It did spoil it for me actually. It became obvious they weren’t from him. It was a big clue to me about the reality of the whole situation. But we played along and were grateful, because that’s what was expected.
You might be able to get away with 2 visits from Santa when the kids are very small. But if it were me I would want one visit from Santa establishes from the beginning.

@Contraceptionismyfriend I guess because things have got to the point where we are polite to each other and it works and has been peaceful so I'm hesitant to rock the boat. I tend to just let dh make his comments about it to her then I chuck what we won't need/use.

I think the thing is that the Santa thing is a big thing for us and that she knows this and is happy to ignore what we would want. That's the real problem.

Thank you everyone for the advice though :-) I'm not going to overthink it and am going to do what a lot of you have suggested and just make it clear that gifts are from Granny not santa. If she pushes anything else I guess I am going to have to say something or dh will have to be more forceful.

I'm so excited for Christmas for him (I know silly when he's so small!) and it really is such a magical time for a child :-)

Father Christmas visits all our family's homes. I thought everyone did it that way...Never been a problem

It can be a huge problem when your sibling marries into a family that do not do this, cue questions as to why there are FC gifts on your side of the family and not the other side of the family.

We have always done stocking from FC downstairs in the lounge so no early 3am waking. Then everything else under the tree is from us, that way we can control budget and we get the credit. Anything from Aunts/Uncles/Grandparetns is usually handed straight into their hands so the DCs know who to thank.

My sister did everything from FC but then gives gifts to my children, Ds1 asked why his Aunty doesn't buy any presents for her own children. He was 5.

And start as you mean to go on, mine are now 16 and 13 and still have an advent calendar and a stocking for Father Christmas I only managed to get rid of Elf on the Shelf last year!

This will be shocking to some - but we told our kids Santa didn't exist. He is a nice myth and story made up for excitement, but presents are from Dad and Mum. We also told them to not spoil the fun for others if they believed - and to my knowledge they never did. I just felt I couldn't lie to them, I don't believe in any religiion so why would I tell them Father Christmas existed. Took the wind right out of MILs sails (although that isn't why we did it!)

When I was small Santa came to our home then left us pressies at my aunties who had no children and then at my Nana's too. We just thought Santa was so generous and until we were much older if anyone asked us what did Santa bringing you just listed all stuff we had new. All people in my house on Xmas Eve hang up a stocking and gets gifts from Santa. Don't make it into a big deal.

"I feel a bit of a mug as breakfast was meant to be an olive branch and now she's pushing back."

Please, please read that sentence back to yourself.

Give this woman an inch and she will demand a mile. The only way to deal with people like this is to have very, very firm boundaries in place. Say exactly and clearly what you are prepared to do and stick to it. You can't budge, because it sends a message that it's OK for them to try it again the next time.

I always say the same thing on these threads, put your foot down now and stand firm.

I've had years of such nonsense from my MIL, I divorced her son and she still wants to dictate how I spend Christmas. I had the lot, arriving at the crack of dawn with a mountain of presents, doing a second stocking at her house, all sorts of interference. Further grandchildren took some of the pressure off, but she's consistently overstepped the mark with birthday cakes, school events and lots more.

Your MIL has had her turn, she's not Mum she's Grandma and her role is different. Stand your ground or you'll have 18+ years of this nonsense, she'll be wanting to be on the top table at your DCs wedding before you know it.

@bluedungareesandspottytrainers I think the best thing to do is say "oh no these presents are from granny" and if she keeps pushing get DH to tell her straight, if you aren't going to agree to what WE want for our son you won't see him over christmas to confuse him like that, end of!

My MIL was the same with stuff, but always utter crap! 4 MASSIVE teddy's for a baby!! Clothes she bought in the sale that would fit at the wrong time of year, think THREE snow suits that would fit at the height of summer 🤦🏻‍♀️ I couldn't cope anymore and DH told her you need to ask before you buy stuff because it just goes to the charity shop otherwise!

We are no contact with her now but the first year of DD's life was hell, shed full of crap 🥴

I think you're over-thinking this a bit because of how difficult she has been in the past. There are lots of different Christmas traditions in families.
In our extended family, there are some who take labels off all the gifts and tell their DC all the gifts from everyone are from Santa. There are others who say their gifts are from the parents but all other gifts are from Santa. There are some who say only the parents' gifts are from Santa.
Just decide how you want to manage it. If MIL wants her gifts to be from Santa then tell her to drop them over to your house before Christmas so DS can open all Santa gifts at the same time.

Your DH could say in conversation to his mum something like this "Mum, can you imagine how confusing it will get in the years to come for X (your child), when Santa delivers presents to our house where X lives and then 'delivers' more presents for X at your house where he doesn't live? That doesn't make any sense. If you want to give X some gifts at Christmas, they are coming from Nana/Granny (whatever she likes being referred as) and Grandad/Gramps, not Santa. You understand that now don't you? They can't come from Santa, just from you. Ok?"
Get her to agree that.
If she changes her story to say "Oh Santa left some presents here for you, X" you have to correct her saying "Don't be silly there Granny, Santa only delivers to houses where children live. These presents are from Granny and Grandad not Santa" said to your child (when they are old enough to understand).

If she keeps trying, then you can warn her to stop or you'll stop showing up around Christmas.

As your DH seems to agree with you he could go and have a chat and tell her bluntly that she needs to stop as she is stealing HIS joy in HIS child

Let her chew that over ..

I would just add, that don't stress too much about this year, because baby won't remember it, so to be honest if she behaves badly it's just proving your point isn't it? Then in years to come everyone will completely understand why you won't give an inch! It sounds really mean but I suppose the best outcome would be that she surprises you and behaves well?!

I'd just say straight up nicely but firmly "Mil we can do this one of two ways - you can accept you have had your turn at Santa and now it's ours, buy one gift and see ds at Christmas or you can force the Santa comes to your house issue and buy loads and not see ds around Christmas at all, it really is that simple"

Never heard of Santa visiting all the relations houses until we had our own children and mil tried to start it!

If MIL wants her gifts to be from Santa then tell her to drop them over to your house before Christmas so DS can open all Santa gifts at the same time.

@WonderWomansSpin brilliant 😂

HJWT one of my relatives does this

We have family across the country so often end up with present giving (not opening if before Christmas day) on different days so would have been very difficult to explain the whole Santa thing. We've gone for just a stocking from Santa with the one gift (mean mum) they've written on their list, sweets or chocs and a few nic nacs. They get this downstairs first then upstairs to get dressed, breakfast and we give them all the other presents from us and other relatives / friends. And if we see people later in the day, they give presents then and they know who they are from x

It's not just about Santa and Christmas though, if you don't take a firm line she'll be wanting her own way with everything, forever, there will be a second birthday cake at Grandma's house (because she wanted to choose the cake), she'll be wanting to go to every school event (with all the drama of trying to get extra tickets on the night she wants to go to the end of term play/nativity/talent show), she'll be trying to take him to her hairdressers to have his haircut properly …….

But this isn't a nice respectful polite relationship is it?
She's getting everything she wants and you're having to suck it up.