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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or being a bitch.

36 replies

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:12

I have a ten month old baby.
My mil visits us twice sometimes three times a week.
Usually arriving at 5pm and leaving for 7.30.sometimes she arrives later and leaves later.there has been many occsion where she turns up with zero notice.
I don't have any hate for the woman. if anything she irriatates me and I'm sure I do her.
I just don't like visitors. I'm a really private person.
I don't want to hurt my partners feeling so please tell me aibu if not then how do I word the way I feel.

OP posts:

JustHereWithPopcorn · 18/09/2019 15:15

I would hate this! Three times a week I personally think is too much for uninvited and unexpected guests. You need to set some boundaries and just explain it's best for her to text before she just 'pops' over.

Original poster

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:17

The thing is sometimes she does text. But not me her son.and he just takes it upon himself to then say to me, oh btw mum's on her way round.
I'm such a soft person, I just go ah ok then. Inside I'm screaming ffssss! I just wanted to get settled not sit and make chit chat!

OP posts:

VeThings · 18/09/2019 15:21

Well just tell your DP that you’d like more notice and more evenings where you can just chill. Do you ever offer to go and see her with the baby? Maybe she feels the only way to see her son and grandchild is to pop round.

PennyNotSoWise · 18/09/2019 15:22

YANBU. I get the privacy thing. When I get home, I just want to be, you know. I sometimes can't be arsed entertaining people, engaging in conversation or trying to be interesting, I just want to settle down.

3 times a week would be a nightmare for me, personally.

Tartsamazeballs · 18/09/2019 15:24

Three times a week over peak dinner/bath/bed o'clock? Fuck that noise!!

orchid1234 · 18/09/2019 15:24

I ask that no one comes in the evening through the week. It messes up our and our baby's routine, especially 3 times a week jeez! Theres only the odd occasion someone will come and that's if they've asked and we agree to it

verticality · 18/09/2019 15:25

Oh God, I hate just 'popping in'. Nightmare.

You are going to have to have a gentle but firm word, I'm afraid. Her feelings will probably be a bit bruised, but hopefully it'll set everythign on the right footing again. It's her own fault for presuming she could just do this without asking you!

Original poster

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:26

@tartsamazeballs
What you have put is how I feel to a tee.

Please help me word this to my lovely hubby who idolises his mother.please.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 18/09/2019 15:26

Does that mean she wants her dinner, too?

Original poster

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:28

Honestly I'm terrible. I'm so soft I have been literally dealing with this thru gritted teeth for nearly a year. Shes coming round tonight. Probably about 6 but who knows. And I'm fucking dreading it.

OP posts:

Ispini · 18/09/2019 15:29

You need to get your baby into a routine and she is disrupting that and the time you have with your DH in the evenings. After a day of baby stuff the feeding, nappies etc. the last thing you need is her arriving uninvited!
When mine were babies I used to live for 7.30 when they would go to bed and I could sit and spend time with DH and eat in peace. Your baby is still young and teething no doubt so you need wind down time/early nights to stay functioning.
FFS put your foot down with your DH and let him deal with his mother!

Original poster

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:29

@hollowtalk
Yes. One night out of three she brings something. Like a lasanga for us to all share.

OP posts:

Original poster

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:32

@ispini
Baby's bedtimes at 7,30 so literally sometimes I'm heading upstairs with the baby and she's still sitting.
There's been occasions where I've been bathing baby and she barges in. I can not move for her.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 18/09/2019 15:39

Utterly ridiculous that you have tolerated it for a year. Madness.

You will need to tell her. Or tell your husband.

How does he not know that this is too much after a year?

Tell him to sort it out.
It is too much. End of.
Once a week is more than enough.
Could your husband bring the baby for a short visit at the weekend perhaps.

BiggapTwins · 18/09/2019 15:44

Personally, I'd put baby to bed, put the kettle on and have a conversation at the kitchen table. Along the lines of... I know this will come as a bit of a surprise to you both, however I have been feeling like this for months and have to say something. It upsets me that I have no say in what 'hubby' and I do for our evenings in together. I also feel uncomfortable sharing bath time with no prior discussion. It is not how I dreamed of or want. It makes me feel put upon and I know 'MIL' that you do not intend for me to feel this way. I just have to say something and I hope that the love that we all have for each other means my expressing how I feel will be taken in the best possible way. I do not want to hurt feelings. I am not being mean. I am just being true to myself and hope that we can find a way forward that is comfortable for us all.
I hope that whatever conversation that you have, you express yourself and express love. I also hope that they both Hear you and do not let ego get in the way Good Luck :)

Original poster

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:59

I fight with my emotions over it because I start to feel guilty and think well I don't mind my mum coming round not that she does. (she comes round once a week for about ten mins picks up lo and take her out for a few hours for me ) but is it just me or is totally different with your own mum?!

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 18/09/2019 16:27

I suppose your MIL means well, and probably difficult to say anything to her, as your husband doesn't mind her visits. but maybe you could ask her to come a few less times,and explain why..

She might well be a great babysitter or childminder at a later date.

bluegirlgreen · 18/09/2019 16:34

@Passthewinethanks

If I were you, I'd spend a couple of weeks going out at 4pm and not coming back til 7pm. Let your DH entertain his mother. (But do tell your DH first that he needs to ask her to stop.)

Twisique · 18/09/2019 16:54

I also would go out. If anything is said suggest that they arrange a convenient day with you.

Bookworm4 · 18/09/2019 16:56

Who visits anyone with kids at that time? She’s being thoughtless, your DP needs to say something.

FunkySnidge · 18/09/2019 17:01

It's sweet she brings you a dinner sometimes. I get why the three times a week at bed times is just too much. My mil used to come every week and stay til about 9 and it was awful, I was so tired after work and she just wanted to talk talk and followed me around and never did dinner although if I had asked her to she probably would have.
It was all too much and I stopped it and felt much better afterwards. It's tricky when it's a popping in situation, my mil lives an hour away so that doesn't really happen.
At your baby's age it is time to establish evening routine and you can just announce that is why you will be doing so no visitors after 6pm in the week please. Visits on x day or x time are super.
Be bold, yanbu but there is no need to sort this by trampling on anyone's feelings.

TheNanny23 · 18/09/2019 17:06

I anticipate having this kind of situation in the future as my husbands mum pushes boundaries and can be quite clingy. Difference is my husband is on board and we have already spoken about strategies.

Depending on the family you’re in some people still have the ‘it takes a village attitude’ and the coronation street type always being in each other’s homes. I’m like you and my home is my castle and I like to be undisturbed in it!

First thing is you need your husband on side. Explain how you feel but say of course you want his mum to be a fantastic involved gramdma but that if things go in it will be detrimental to family harmony and your family needs more routine. Then HE (not you) needs to speak to his mum and gently say you need a bit more notice etc. It may not work for you but we have decided we will allocate a day a week to each set where they are welcome for tea or to spend time together. I saw my nanna every Wednesday when I was a child- that sounds a bit more sustainable. I know my MIL has a good heart but I also find her irritating and the number one thing is that your husband has got to read the party line- even if she suspects it’s coming from you it has to be a united front.

Templetonstunafish · 18/09/2019 17:07

You need to talk to your dp about this and get him on side. Explain that you don't have the energy, and then get him to tell her it's not convenient for her to come round so much. maybe set up a regular evening with her to cushion the blow.

FunkySnidge · 18/09/2019 17:09

Also, don't be annoyed she is communicating through your dh, you see countless threads on here where people moan that pils use the woman as a secretary service, so annoying!

pictish · 18/09/2019 17:10

It is totally different with your own mum, yes. But remember this is your dh’s ‘Own mum’ so it feels ‘totally different’ for him. He doesn’t mind her being there, he’s completely at ease in her company and with her presence just as you are with your mum.

Having said that, three times a week is a bit much. Talk to your dh (pleasantly) and see if you can’t engineer it to once a week which is still regular but not so full on for you.

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