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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or being a bitch.

36 replies

Passthewinethanks · 18/09/2019 15:12

I have a ten month old baby.
My mil visits us twice sometimes three times a week.
Usually arriving at 5pm and leaving for 7.30.sometimes she arrives later and leaves later.there has been many occsion where she turns up with zero notice.
I don't have any hate for the woman. if anything she irriatates me and I'm sure I do her.
I just don't like visitors. I'm a really private person.
I don't want to hurt my partners feeling so please tell me aibu if not then how do I word the way I feel.

OP posts:

emilybrontescorsett · 18/09/2019 17:25

I sympathise op.
My mother was like this. It used to drive me crazy. Even when the dc were older she would 'pop round'. Always on the day I was rushing to go out with ds to his club.
I just had time to get home from work, have a cuppa, make snacks for ds and then leave. I had to keep telling her not to come as I was going out. She didn't listen, just used to drone on and on as i was rushing around.
Yanbu.

MadeinBelfast · 18/09/2019 17:29

Is there anything you'd like to do in the evenings? Could you arrange that she comes every Wednesday and you go out? She could have time with her son and grandchild and you could go to yoga or have a mooch around the shops or something. If she's keen to come I'd try to use it to my advantage!

youarenotkiddingme · 18/09/2019 17:35

That's not really an appropriate time to be visiting. Dinner bath and bedtime in this house!

Can you be preemptive. MIL I am free this week at this time on these days - let me know which one is suitable for a visit.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/09/2019 17:36

And you say you wouldn't mind your own mum doing it. Well honestly you might - if she did!

timeisnotaline · 18/09/2019 17:41

Honestly she doesn’t sound like a problem, especially if she brings dinner once a week. You do sound a bit precious moaning about sharing baby’s bath- it’s not like you’re naked, it’s not breastfeeding. you just need to establish an arrangement something that works! The most important step is to talk to your dh. Perhaps make dinner times max twice a week? And one of those times, dh & his mum go off and bath the baby and you sit down with your glass of wine...

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/09/2019 17:53

To your DH it really doesn't mean that much as she is his mum. To you though, as MIL, she is a guest and a visitor and a frequent one at that.

I'd go with what @TheNanny23 or @BiggapTwins have suggested.

You're entitled to have feelings in this situation too and they should be taken in to consideration. At the moment, they don't seem to be.

imnotinthemood · 18/09/2019 18:04

I've always had a problem with people just turning up and outstaying their welcome. Honestly if a family member wanted to call round for the evening I wouldn't mind but if it was 3 times a week without no notice I would. Like you and others say you have routine, bed & bath and you want to relax not make polite chit chat .
It's difficult but it's your dh who is going to have to say something. Tell her 3 times a week is too much or it will have to be a quick visit not stay all evening. Some people have no boundaries and it's odd because if the baby is in bed most of the time then it's not to see her DGc so she must be lonely .

Mamma19c · 18/09/2019 18:04

I sympathise and can't believe you've put up with it for so long! I'd have nipped that in the bud a long time ago.

I get what you mean about bath times too where she just barges in - I don't think you're being precious as someone else put it. If it's anything like the situation I'm in with my MIL it's more a case of them not asking and just cracking on with it, barging you out of the way in the process. It infuriates me.

I would 100% have a word with DH and let him know you've had enough and that either he can talk to her or you can but that it will be changing.

Maybe one of the days she comes you could go and do something you want to do?

Personally I'd nip it to 1 visit a week in the evening at your house and get DH to take baby there for a visit on the weekend. But if it has to be 2 visits in the evening, make plans for one night every week so you dont have to be there!

I'd chat to her and dh, let your feelings out and if she doesn't listen, lock the door and keep the key in! 😂

Good luck with it. It's not an easy situation!

dollydaydream114 · 18/09/2019 18:05

Honestly she doesn’t sound like a problem

Just because you’d be happy to spend 40% of your evenings with someone else’s mum, it doesn’t mean it isn’t a problem for the OP.

I wouldn’t want to spend three out of seven nights a week with my best friend, let alone my mum-in-law, especially if I had a baby to feed, bathe and settle. I’d feel totally suffocated by anyone who wanted to be in my house that much.

OP, your DH needs to be more supportive here and scale back on the visits. I’m sure your MIL is lovely and means well but three nights a week at dinner/bedtime is way too much.

CSIblonde · 18/09/2019 18:15

3times a week is a bit much. I think rather than cause any upset, once a week I'd ignore your partners text or her knock & put the catch down & tilt the blinds etc. If they ask, you nipped out to the shop or fancied a stroll with the baby & left your phone at home.

timeisnotaline · 18/09/2019 18:36

Dolly I suggested cut back, and then also turn one evennng over to dh. I’m not saying I’d enjoy the current situation, but it does sound like a perfectly normal grandma trying to help, so shouldn’t be too hard to tweak the dynamics, it just can’t be achieved by fuming silently.

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