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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - can't help but feel a bit bitter about DC's godparents pregnancy

71 replies

Newbieanouee · 18/09/2019 14:07

I have some rather unsavoury and unpleasant feelings that I'm at loathe to admit I'm feeling.
I have a Dear Child, happy and healthy and just gone one years old. We had tried to conceive for almost two years, in the end resorting to IVF, first time lucky, everything went, and is still going, perfectly fine.
I'm grateful and so happy with what I'm blessed with.

Nevertheless, recent news of our DC's godparents pregnancy (within a year of them getting married) left me feeling a bit hollow.

I know it's unreasonable and silly, but I just can't help but feel sad that DC will no longer be the "center" of all of our collective universe...So to speak.

But actually, mostly I'm feeling that it's all abit unfair that these things happen (or seemingly to) so easily and fast for some others, just not for us. I didn't have anybody to share our fertility struggles with during the time we went through it. And it didn't appear that any of my hubby's friends seem to have that issue either (it was just some of my friends, but they already had these before we even tried to conceive).

So I do know that I'm not alone with such health issues/experiences.

I just wondered if anybody is out there's who went through something similar, emotionally as well.

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 18/09/2019 16:16

Consider your child to be at the centre of your own world,and then think,and concentrate , on your own good fortune,

Fredastaireatemyjamsandwich · 18/09/2019 16:16

YABVU.
Instead of wallowing in self pity, try and imagine for a minute that you have got to your mid 40's and 15years of fertility treatment has been unsuccessful. Your wish list pales into insignificance.
Sorry to be harsh, but I hope it puts your situation into perspective.

Boysey45 · 18/09/2019 16:18

No one gets all the cards dealt in one hand OP.
Surely you don't want your child to end up selfish and thinking the world revolves around them? Just be pleased for your friends and recognise that lifes not fair.

Dongdingdong · 18/09/2019 16:18

Apologies if this comes across as insensitive, but I don't understand - you have a child, so why be bitter that your close friends are having one too?

If you weren't able to conceive, wanted children but couldn't have them then I'd totally get it, but that's not the case.

SandyY2K · 18/09/2019 16:19

YABU and somewhat selfish...but you're brave to come on here and express your feelings.

I might understand you feeling like this with a couple you don't like, but these are your DCs Godparents. Would you be happier if they had fertility problems like you did?
Because that's what it sounds like.

Knowing the intensity of IVF and the related stress (from a close relative) I wouldn't wish fertility problems on anyone.

Herat1986 · 18/09/2019 16:19

A friend of mine has just been told she will never conceive after 2 rounds of IVF and four years of trying. IVF will never work for her as her egg quality is too low.

So, yeah, YABU.

SunMoonRainShine · 18/09/2019 16:21

Think of it this way.

Do you want your friends to have to have to go through a difficult struggle to conceive, like you did?

Do you want your friends to never have the children that they want, the enjoyment that you get from your DC, just so DC remains the only child in the social circle?

I suspect the answer to both questions is no. So maybe you need to look at where these feelings come from at their root?

Ps having more kids in your social circle will be potentially a lovely thing for your DC as they grow.

lazylinguist · 18/09/2019 16:25

YABVU to expect your child to be at the centre of anyone's universe but your own!

SilverySurfer · 18/09/2019 16:26

YABVU and I simply do not understand why you feel as you do. You have a healthy child which is more than any childless woman has (including me) and despite that, most of us feel nothing but happiness for our family or friends who have a baby. Of course we had/have our down times, it's a horrible thing to accept but I've never felt bitter about someone having a baby.

Rachelover60 · 18/09/2019 16:31

You have a child, op. There's no reason to feel 'bitter' because someone conceived more easily than you. I'd understand if you were wistful, thinking, "Oh they're so lucky, I wish it had been a bit quicker for me", but not jealous and bitter. They are horrible emotions, not worthy of a mother.

Be glad for what you have! It's a lot more than many.

nokidshere · 18/09/2019 16:37

You already know you are being unreasonable. However, Other people's problems, wether they are far worse or much better than our own, do not negate our own feelings. What you need to do is look at your life and work out why you have these feelings and how to move on from them, or you are in danger of tainting the happiness that you have already.

Tonnerre · 18/09/2019 16:47

It obviously is unfair, but life is full of unfairnesses. There may well be other aspects of your life where you are favoured where others aren't, e.g. in relation to health and indeed the fact that IVF worked for you.

user1471449295 · 18/09/2019 16:50

Yabu and childish.

Witchinaditch · 18/09/2019 17:01

Sorry for your fertility struggles and I’m so pleased you have a happy healthy child! But YaBU which your post suggests you already know. In the kindest possible way I doubt your daughter is the center of her godparents universe anyway I’m sure they love her but center of universe is reserved for your own children.

swingofthings · 18/09/2019 17:10

If you spend your time comparing what others have with what you don't, you're bound to be bitter and miserable all the time.

You can of course instead decide to compare yourself with those less fortunate and be genuinely grateful and enjoying what you do have.

Ideally, you shouldn't need to compare yourself to anyone to feel a sense of self worth and happiness. Concentrate on your life and accept that everyone will experience struggles at times and that's why you have to grasp what you have when you do.

Turn it all around and be happy for them and it will feed on to you.

TheMustressMhor · 18/09/2019 17:33

OP seems to have disappeared.

NoCauseRebel · 18/09/2019 17:50

IMO those who say the OP’s feelings are understandable are entirely missing the point.

A lot of people have said here that while they were ttc they found it hard when others announced their pregnancies. OP isn’t ttc. She struggled at one point but then she had a healthy baby. So no. Feeling resentful towards others isn’t understandable or even remotely acceptable.

If I were the Godparents I would be distancing myself from this woman pretty sharpish.

Having had fertility struggles does not give anyone the right to feel that they are entitled to begrudge others.

Malvinaa81 · 18/09/2019 17:53

The business of seeing your child as the centre of the universe, both for you and for others is so ridiculous that you might need to stop and consider what you are saying.

Since you already know YABU why not focus on other things and let these feelings subside.

If they don't go away you may need help.

Andysbestadventure · 18/09/2019 18:00

Are you for real, OP? Stop being so self indulgent and give your head a big wobble. Your child is going to grow up a self-centred pain in the arse if you pass that attitude on.

As for ttc for two years, that is not long at all and most wouldnt even consider IVF until after then, so please don't put yourself on a pedestal. It's shit and it's hard ttc, but that is not a 'noteworthy' length of time by any stretch.

I think you might want to consider counselling of some sort, because although many experience what you're feeling, it is not 'normal' at all.

WombOfOnesOwn · 18/09/2019 18:08

In a few years, your baby will have a best friend a couple years younger to lead around and show the world to.

Celebrate it!

Infertility leads to strange jealousies, I understand. I know for a solid fact that my husband's cousin was very jealous of us...they got married in May 2015, and my husband and I were getting married in November 2015. In June 2015 we found out we were going to have a baby, so I was pregnant for my wedding.

We didn't realize the cousin was struggling with infertility. We had our little boy in 2016, and after several failed rounds of IVF, they finally conceived their little boy and he was born in late 2018.

When she confessed to me that she had been a bit jealous of the ease with which we'd conceived, I told her the truth: the only reason we'd been having unprotected sex at all is that we were doing our "one year of trying" before they'd let us do IVF, and had conceived our son on fertility medications. I'd tried for years with a previous partner (who had normal sperm counts) to conceive without any success, even with medications, so I was sure I'd "meet my baby" for the first time in a petri dish.

She of course had no idea and we had a good moment bonding over how lonely infertility makes you feel, even when it turns out the people you feel most jealous of or isolated from are feeling lonely and jealous in their own struggles.

Goodlookingcreature · 18/09/2019 22:02

I had a friend like OP, who had no trouble conceiving her own two but loved the attention that came with being pregnant and the excitement of becoming a mom and having a new baby and she had been trying to force me to get the mirina in because she didn’t want me having kids. It’s bizarre but certainly not unusual

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