AIBU - can't help but feel a bit bitter about DC's godparents pregnancy

[Newbieanouee]

I have some rather unsavoury and unpleasant feelings that I'm at loathe to admit I'm feeling.
I have a Dear Child, happy and healthy and just gone one years old. We had tried to conceive for almost two years, in the end resorting to IVF, first time lucky, everything went, and is still going, perfectly fine.
I'm grateful and so happy with what I'm blessed with.

Nevertheless, recent news of our DC's godparents pregnancy (within a year of them getting married) left me feeling a bit hollow.

I know it's unreasonable and silly, but I just can't help but feel sad that DC will no longer be the "center" of all of our collective universe...So to speak.

But actually, mostly I'm feeling that it's all abit unfair that these things happen (or seemingly to) so easily and fast for some others, just not for us. I didn't have anybody to share our fertility struggles with during the time we went through it. And it didn't appear that any of my hubby's friends seem to have that issue either (it was just some of my friends, but they already had these before we even tried to conceive).

So I do know that I'm not alone with such health issues/experiences.

I just wondered if anybody is out there's who went through something similar, emotionally as well.

Nevertheless, recent news of our DC's godparents pregnancy (within a year of them getting married) left me feeling a bit hollow.

YABVU. You don't know how long they've actually been trying. they may have had many losses but you aren't privy to it.

I’m really surprised about your concern that another child will steal attention. I wish my sister and other friends would have kids for my daughter to play with! It actually makes me sad for her that she’s the only child in our immediate family. When I meet people whose kids have tons of siblings and cousins I am so envious on my daughter’s behalf. It’s the only reason I would put myself through the hell that pregnancy is for me. Last week in the midwife’s office I was moaning in between vomiting into her sink about how unfair it is that most women can enjoy pregnancy and carry on as usual while I’m debilitated by it, and stuck in bed. She said I get women in here who have four unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and try for years who would say you’re lucky to have gotten pregnant so easily. Everything is relative. Just try to count the positives, for you and your child. I know how you feel. When I see pregnant women bouncing around while I struggle to make it to the bathroom I admit I feel resentful. But it’s not helping me at all. I have a friend who’s been trying for ages without success then get pregnant, and others who can’t find the right relationship. Feels wrong to complain to them. And you must recognise that even if you can’t help feeling annoyed about something, it’s not a legitimate complaint.

Don't you want your DC to have a little friend that they can play with when you hang out with the godparents?
You have a child. Why begrudge anyone else theirs?? You know how much it meant to you to get yours, surely you'd wish that everyone else had an easier time than you did?! It took me and DH 5 years to get our little one. I am infinitely happy for everyone who was spared the heartbreak we had.

I also suffered with infertility and tried for three years before I had my daughter. I think you are being v v unreasonable and I think you know this and this is the only place you can vent it. My daughters godmother also struggled and I was thrilled to bits when she had her child, who I am now godmother too. My child was never the centre of her universe even before she had her boy. Her boy is not the centre of my universe either. I very much doubt your child would have been the centre of theirs, whatever you might have perceived. Would you rather she remained childless? They could have been trying from before her wedding for all you know, from the wedding night, anything. Just be happy that your lo will have a playmate.

I get it. TTC took me to very dark places. I remember judging people who weren't as 'healthy' as me for getting pregnant quickly when it wasnt happening for me. These thoughts have of course faded now I have a 2 year old but I do still cringe when I hear people telling me their TTC plans and when their potential baby would be born as it just wasnt like that for me and never will be.

It's not a healthy place to be mentally maybe something you might want to access some help with, like others have said you have your happy ending and can hopefully get some closure from your previous grief.

Jesus, way to make someone’s pregnancy all about you. Imagine if you became pregnant and someone felt hollow and annoyed because their child won’t be centre of their world anymore??? I’d be getting myself checked out to rule out NPD

YABVVU

Well, you do know you are being U so I don't need to tell you that. However, thinking that your child is the "center" of all of our collective universe IS extremely unreasonable. Firstly, are you American? Secondly, DC is the centre of YOUR universe, nobody else's. The earth actually revolves around the sun. Do yourself a favour and try and get out of this way of thinking otherwise you're going to have one hell of a shock when nursery starts.

Yabvu and ridiculous. If you were currently undergoing fertility treatments and struggling to conceive then your sadness that someone else appeared to have got pregnant so quickly would be understandable. Still unreasonable but understandable.

But you’re not struggling with infertility at the moment. You have a child, so what exactly is it you’re upset about?

As for the comment that your child won’t be the centre of everyone’s universe, sorry to burst your bubble but they already aren’t.

It’s a bit unrealistic to think your child was ever the centre of their universe. I don’t think it would be healthy if he was.

A good friend of mine waited for 8 years to get pregnant with IVF. She had 5 rounds and had to pay for 3 rounds themselves which they took out loans for. She was over the moon but then had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. You are one of the lucky ones that ends up with a child of your own. YABVU to grudge another couple of having a child too. The new baby will be a playmate for your dc. I do not get why you feel so upset that someone else is having a baby. Try to be happy for them.

Really?! Spare a thought for those unable to conceive at all maybe? And your child can be the center if your universe bit it's downright bizarre and selfish to want him/her to be the center of everyone’s universe.

YABVU - but as others have said, at least you realise you're being unreasonable. You had a child after what's relatively a short time TTC.

I don't understand why you feel bitter about someone else conceiving; I'd be excited and happy for them.

Like mentioned, have you considered counselling?

I think you've been very brave in saying what you have. It must have been hard, and it's never nice to admit things about ourselves that (if we're honest) aren't great.

Whilst some on this thread have been (in my opinion) a bit harsh, I'll say this. I get where you're coming from. It's always easy to look around and see others, and to then feel that they have it "easier" or "better" than you. We had problems with miscarriages. We then had to walk past the heavily pregnant women smoking outside the maternity department, or visit Siansburys right at the same time as they must have had a 50% off for pregnant ladies event - or at least, it felt that way. And on a personal level, I had calls form friends and family who would say hello, and then ask how my wife was. Not once did anyone ask me....

BUT, and this is the rub: as you've already identified, there are many who have it worse than you do. Much worse. You've got so much to look forward to with your child(ren). Please don't waste any more time focusing on what others have.

Good luck - I hope you can feel better soon.

It took us 5 years to conceive and eventually did using fertility treatment. I lost count of the number of friends and family who had babies during that time. I had a friend who had 3 abortions after falling pregnant by accident, 1 who had abortion as already had 4 children and another woman was “too many”. My SIL told me to just “get on with it” (meaning my life). My sis even now makes spiteful comments about falling preg easily. I am just thankful I have as somebody are not as lucky as us

YABVU - first time IVF successful, happy healthy child - wow! Many people will envy your situation (and perhaps not want to hear about it as their lives are so much more difficult).

Regardless of how your child was conceived you will quickly find your dc is not the centre of other peoples' universe. Your dc will not be as cute as a new born and when your dc is five they will not be as adorable as a two year old and when your dc becomes part of a friendship group chances are s/he will not be the centre of attention either.. and so on.

Be happy for your friends and don't compare lives. You have no idea what they have had to endure or what the future will bring any of you. And if they've been lucky enough to get pregnant easily that's wonderful. You are in the happy position of having a much loved child of your own.

Your feelings are unreasonable so override them and celebrate your friends' good news. Be excited for them - they will have a young child at the same time as you and your dc will have a little friend.

I think yabu. I understand its not easy what you have been through, but many women have fertility struggles, pregnancy losses, still birth etc etc. Please try to be happy for other people and don't let your experience cloud the issue. You conceived easily through ivf, that makes you fairly lucky as many people have to keep going and going with many failed ivfs. You also have a lovely child and I presume the option of another if you want to go through the the ivf route again.
Agree with pp. Have you considered counselling

I think you’re being unreasonable but it’s perfectly understandable. Luckily we are all free to have ‘bad’ thoughts freely in our private minds but just be careful not to sabotage the good things in real life that will come with this baby just because of negative feelings.

Try to remind yourself that

• the new baby is a squidgy new person for you to enjoy getting to know and see growing up too
• your child will have a new playmate
• people you care about enough to make godparents didn’t have to suffer to become parents (that you know of)

Like PP I think you're being utterly ridiculous. You have a child- there are so, so many others who cannot. How selfish of you to want everyone's attention on your DC. I literally only had to blink and get pregnant with all 3 of my DC. Would you have hated me instantly for something out with my control?

YABVVU

Your child is the centre of nobody’s universe but yours. Did you really imagine otherwise?

I understand your emotions but as you understand you are unreasonable then try not to dwell on them.
When we were TTC I was so jealous of two friends who fell pregnant instantly when we had to have fertility treatment. However since then I have a second healthy child and both couples are struggling to conceive a second. They might now be thinking the same unfair thoughts about us.
When I finally fell pregnant my sister announced she was having another child, I was pissed off that mine wouldn’t have time to be the special baby of the family but I was so wrong and it is great that the cousins are similar in age.

Sort of OP. I had my baby at 21 "by mistake" just got pregnant after one shag. I've never wanted kids. I do love my DS obviously and we are very close but never wanted any more.
DSis 1 had to have endless rounds of IVF before managing a pregnancy very late on in life and other DSis is infertile both wanted kids more than anything else in life.
Of course they love Dnephew but I have to be very careful what i say in the way of how wonderful he is because I know it hurts them so I really do have to keep my thoughts to myself even when I am so proud of him it hurts to keep quiet because they just can't cope with it. It's hard for all of us.

Your feelings are natural, I felt exactly the same when I was struggling tc whilst friends and family were having having babies left, right and centre! When my first DC finally arrived I remember being livid that a close family member dared to have a baby 6 months later! Of course I was irrational and these feelings soon passed.

YABVVVU in a number of ways.

Sometimes we can't help how we feel, even if we know it's unreasonable, and perhaps bitter or envious, instead of being pleased at someone else's good fortune.

I dare say just about everybody has felt like that at some time or other, though most will never admit it.

It will be lovely for your little dc to have someone fairly close in age to play with - please look on ot as an enrichment of his or her life, rather than a negative.
I do agree with pps that being the centre of the universe is not good for any child. Of course it's IMO normal to feel like that to some extent about your own - as long as it doesn't end up with them being spoilt and entitled, and thinking the world revolves around them. Nobody ever likes children like that!