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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm feeling a little heartbroken my brother doesn't bother anymore?

53 replies

tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 13:14

Just that really.

He used to be my closest sibling (not in age), we spoke regularly, he once make the long trip to stay with dh and I for two weeks.

Since he got together with his partner I just don't hear from him at all anymore.

He's not bothered with any of my, dh or dd's birthdays. I can be a big girl about me and dh but dd absolutely adores him and has been really hurt with not even a card or message on her birthdays or Christmas. Before we'd always send presents and Skype etc. Not even an acknowledgement now.

He's had other long term relationships before so I don't think it's the classic thing of guy gets girlfriend type thing.

His wife has always been REALLY frosty with me. I'd met her three times before the wedding and each time she made no effort to talk to us at all. At the wedding she was actually pretty rude and dismissive every time we tried to engage her. Her family were exactly the same.

He's also dropped my parents to some extent. They both aren't in the best of health, he's gone from seeing them a few times a week to calling maybe once every couple a months and only seeing them every 6 months. They live close by to him.

He spends every weekend with his wife's family. He's become a Godparent to his wife's nephew, they all holiday together.

I know people move on when they get older, but I'm really mourning not having him in my life anymore. We've had a couple of very big life events happen recently and not heard a thing from him.

Nothing bad has ever happened with us as a family, we're not toxic or have caused any reason to go low contact, I think he just really prefers her family. Sad

It's possible that he find our side a little embarrassing. My parents are working class whereas hers are very well to do. He's told my parents how to behave around them a few times. Not that my parents have anything but lovely manners, they just have quite strong regional accents and obviously don't have a lot of money. Her family do fun swanky holidays five plus times a year. Ours are more - bbq in the garden and go for a nice long local walk type.

Has anyone experienced this then had the family member start up more contact again as time goes on?

I'm at a loss of what I can do (nothing obviously). I continue to send cards, presents etc at birthdays, Christmas but now don't even get an acknowledgement of receiving them.

It's horrible, he's gone from my life and I really miss him.

OP posts:
Original poster
tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 13:51

No one? Sad

OP posts:
Skinnydogfatcat1 · 18/09/2019 13:55

Call him, tell him you miss him, he might not realise to the extent he has isolated himself.

Original poster
tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 13:58

@Skinnydogfatcat1 thanks. Smile

I have done, and my parents have also. I don't want to become a nag or have him feel like he has to make and effort when he doesn't want to so I've only done it a couple of time.

OP posts:
Oly4 · 18/09/2019 14:00

I would emailhim and tell
Him how you feel. Say you miss him and you’d like to see more of him and his wife.
Excluding you because you are working class is ridiculous and incredibly horrible. Your poor parents!
Reach out to him but I guess there’s a limit to what you can do

user1474894224 · 18/09/2019 14:00

Yes with BiL. My kids were devastated. I blamed gf (wife) for a while....but.....my OH wouldn't do it...no matter what I say. So I have to blame him -bil- for allowing it. I can't change him. It's just very sad kids have lost an uncle.

Stickybeaksid · 18/09/2019 14:07

I could have written a lot of your post. My brother just ghosted me and my family over the last few years. No falling out he just doesn’t ever come near us. In his case he is a bit selfish and him and his wife are very immature and don’t really value family. I have no advice for you just wanted to say Flowers

dottypotter · 18/09/2019 14:09

sounds like he has estranged himself from the family and yes probably something to do with the gf quite common.

How selfish to drop your children. would defineltely ask him why he did that?

Original poster
tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 14:19

Yes although his wife clearly doesn't like our side of the family he has to take some of the blame.

The last few messages I've sent him have gone unanswered. The last one I'd told him we missed him.

We really were so close, it's just hurtful to think that someone can switch off a lifetime of feelings like that.

OP posts:
dottypotter · 18/09/2019 14:25

agree people are odd arent they?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2019 14:30

Your brother may be a victim of a controlling, abusive wife who intentionally alienates him from his family. It happens to women very frequently, but women can also be the abuser. This is a very sad situation, op.

NoraEphronsneck · 18/09/2019 14:31

My DB has done exactly the same thing as the years progressed. Similar situation too, her family are a bit better off than ours, a bit more well-spoken and we've had the whole pulling us up on the way we say something or how we act around them.
It doesn't come from his DW or her family, it is all my DB's doing.

We all used to spend Christmas/Boxing Day and birthdays together and now nothing at all.

In the end I stopped inviting them, I haven't seen any of them since about May 2018 and my parents haven't seem them since Easter.

His loss as far as I'm concerned. Real shame because our older children are all really close and then the younger cousins (we both have second relationships) barely know each other.

Original poster
tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 14:34

I'm sad others have this going on too. It bloody hurts doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 14:37

My parents are utterly heartbroken. When he spilt up with his last long term girlfriend who he'd lived with for years he moved back to my parents for a couple of years.

They then lent him the money to buy his own house. This came from their life savings and pension, they're left with nothing at all now and are struggling.

He's buggering off on fancy holidays pretty much every month and hasn't paid a penny back.

It's just so unlike him. He's always been the most considerate and generous person. It's like he's been body snatched!!

OP posts:
abigailsnan · 18/09/2019 14:41

tvdinners I know exactly how you are feeling and I would think your SIL is jealous of the relationship your brother has had with you and your parents in the past.
I have had this with my DIL she resented my OH and I going to Las Vegas for their wedding (she thought we could not afford to go -wrong) we never got invited to their home whilst her parents where there constantly along with her siblings & her friends (none of my sons friends)
After 3 years I see my son and their baby every Thursday when she is at work he has at last stood up to her and told me the excuse she gave was she doesn't like my dog !!
Try one more time with a letter and keep the door open for him to contact you if no joy just let it lie,I would tell your parents its pure jealously and not them it will make them feel much better,xx

EileenAlanna · 18/09/2019 14:52

I'd be on to him about paying your parents back the money he owes them & never mind anything else. It's a disgraceful, unforgivable thing to do. I'd tell him they're too old to struggle with poverty because he won't repay what he owes. I'd go further & tell him if he doesn't give them back their money you'll ask his in-laws for it & he can owe it to them instead. Sounds to me that being shamed in front of them is the only thing that'll get a result. He's a CF low life to do this to his own parents.

roisinagusniamh · 18/09/2019 15:08

Well, as nicely as you have described him OP, it sounds like he may be a bit weak (either that or a victim of Emotionalabuse/ control).
You really have done all you can to get the relationship back on track so I would advise you to step back now and withdraw from them and see what happens.

Original poster
tvdinnertracks · 18/09/2019 15:10

It is disgraceful that he's done this to my parents and I know I sound blinkered but it's just not like him!

I've known him his entire life and he was honestly one of the kindest and most giving people I've ever known.

It's bloody odd.

I will step back now, not much else I can do without looking like a bit of a pushy psycho is there? Sad

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 18/09/2019 15:14

I’m afraid the money is the answer. If he was in touch with you all he’d be faced with the fact that he’s taken money and hasn’t paid it back. You’re out of sight out of mind.
The fact that you’re sending them presents is probably compounding the issue. I’m sure he’s feeling guilty. I’m guessing his wife is feeling less so.

A good deed never goes unpunished.

LionKingLover · 18/09/2019 15:28

Tell him how you feel but the money issue needs pressing, that's an awful thing to do x

BerylReader · 18/09/2019 15:29

My brother has done this and so has my friends brother. I really miss the relationship we had but I think he just prefers the quiet life and if his wife doesn’t want to see us then it’s easier for him to say no to us instead.

MaJiPe · 18/09/2019 16:21

I'd find a way to force him to pay your parents back. If his wife's parents are so well off then they could help. If not I'd keep on insisting and being a nuissance, I'm sure they'll pay just to get rid of me.

After you get that money back just forget about him. He's trash. I'm not 101% keen on my DH's family either, but I would never in a million years keep him from being in touch with them. I'd be one buying them beautiful christmas cards and reminding DH of his mother's birthday, even if she dislikes me.

WarshipWarrior · 18/09/2019 16:25

I'd phone him and say your parents are struggling you owe them money - you've chosen to cut yourself off from us but that doesn't mean you can leave your parents high and dry! Then stop sending cards etc. You've tried. He may come grovelling back one day. He may not. It's not your fault.

OneForMeToo · 18/09/2019 16:29

I’m shocked that’s the wife is always getting the blame still considering the seer amount of threads about how it’s not the wife’s job to make sure anything about his family is sorted as it’s his family is spouted so often. Wife’s fed up of being the ones buying presents, arranging meeting up and family meals always told to stop it’s his family his job.

It’s just as likely that she’s very active in her family so organises things with them, she’s not so keen on your side for whatever reason so leaves it to her dh, your brother. His living the life of Riley of her family’s dime and cnba to arrange things so basically they just don’t happen. Might also not want to have to admit his parents have given him so much money.

funmummy48 · 18/09/2019 16:32

I’m in the same boat. It’s unfair on my brother’s children too as they only have cousins on our side of the family but never see them.

HugoSpritz · 18/09/2019 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.