I'm feeling a little heartbroken my brother doesn't bother anymore?

[tvdinnertracks]

Just that really.

He used to be my closest sibling (not in age), we spoke regularly, he once make the long trip to stay with dh and I for two weeks.

Since he got together with his partner I just don't hear from him at all anymore.

He's not bothered with any of my, dh or dd's birthdays. I can be a big girl about me and dh but dd absolutely adores him and has been really hurt with not even a card or message on her birthdays or Christmas. Before we'd always send presents and Skype etc. Not even an acknowledgement now.

He's had other long term relationships before so I don't think it's the classic thing of guy gets girlfriend type thing.

His wife has always been REALLY frosty with me. I'd met her three times before the wedding and each time she made no effort to talk to us at all. At the wedding she was actually pretty rude and dismissive every time we tried to engage her. Her family were exactly the same.

He's also dropped my parents to some extent. They both aren't in the best of health, he's gone from seeing them a few times a week to calling maybe once every couple a months and only seeing them every 6 months. They live close by to him.

He spends every weekend with his wife's family. He's become a Godparent to his wife's nephew, they all holiday together.

I know people move on when they get older, but I'm really mourning not having him in my life anymore. We've had a couple of very big life events happen recently and not heard a thing from him.

Nothing bad has ever happened with us as a family, we're not toxic or have caused any reason to go low contact, I think he just really prefers her family.

It's possible that he find our side a little embarrassing. My parents are working class whereas hers are very well to do. He's told my parents how to behave around them a few times. Not that my parents have anything but lovely manners, they just have quite strong regional accents and obviously don't have a lot of money. Her family do fun swanky holidays five plus times a year. Ours are more - bbq in the garden and go for a nice long local walk type.

Has anyone experienced this then had the family member start up more contact again as time goes on?

I'm at a loss of what I can do (nothing obviously). I continue to send cards, presents etc at birthdays, Christmas but now don't even get an acknowledgement of receiving them.

It's horrible, he's gone from my life and I really miss him.

@HugoSpritz oh God no. When they spilt up it all came out that his ex had been very controlling and abusive.

My parents welcomed her with open arms. She's made it quite clear she's thinks they're a bit 'common'.

I'd write him an old-fashioned letter. Word it so that it isn;t accusatory but just explain how sad you are that he has faded from your and in particular your children's lives. Tell him you love him, that you have very happy memories (then mention a few of them, as that might prompt him to remember them in a positive light too.) Let him know you will always love him and welcome him and that if he wants to rekindle the close relationship he used to have with you and your children you'd be delighted.

With luck, once he sees it written down he'll realise what he's missing and get in touch.

They aren't though. They have far more grace and manners than his wife's family. They just don't holiday abroad and drive top of the range BMWs.

My cousin has ghosted me and it kills me that I have no idea why/what I've done to upset her when we used to be so close.

I'm sorry your DB has done this to you and your parents, it's awful that he's seemingly taken their money and done a "runner" - in your shoes, I would absolutely be either writing to him or turning up on his doorstep and asking what he's playing at.

He needs to set up a plan to repay them.

It's very sad. Maybe she is controlling too.

Hello. My son was born in November 2020 and 2 weeks later my nephew was born to my only brother and wife. Obviously there were covid restrictions and lockdowns, with us living 50 minutes away across the English/ Welsh border. But despite that they have never shown any effort or love towards our son. I couldn't wait to meet their son and would ask about him all the time on a family what's app group. However they never reciprocated or commented when we sent over photos. I started to ask my brother why they weren't bothering with us. A couple of weeks passed and my mum tells me her and my dad have been in tears cos my sister in law went round to there's shouting at them and saying they don't want me having anything to do with her and my brother or knowing anything about their son. All because I was trying to get them to see us.
My sister in law never knew my parents told me what happened. A few weeks passed and I decided to message my sister in law saying I was nearby , hadn't seen her in ages can we have a catch up. She said yeh come round and it was like nothing had ever happened. Everything has been fine since but still no effort on their behalf. Its so weird that she was happy to cut us out of their lives and now it's like she never said it.
My husband has no siblings and only his parents. We won't have any other nephews or necessary but they don't seem to want a relationship with us and our son.

We’ve had this. Again, it’s a brother who’s been wrapped up in the wife’s family. She’s not interested. I’ve been so careful to not do that to dh family.

I think you need to be blunt and ask if there’s a proper, say how you miss him. Say it would be nice to do presents what does he think?

Say dd misses him and pull on the heartstrings a little

This is a zombie from 2019. Would be interested in an update from OP though.

@OneForMeToo

I’m shocked that’s the wife is always getting the blame still considering the seer amount of threads about how it’s not the wife’s job to make sure anything about his family is sorted as it’s his family is spouted so often. Wife’s fed up of being the ones buying presents, arranging meeting up and family meals always told to stop it’s his family his job.

It’s just as likely that she’s very active in her family so organises things with them, she’s not so keen on your side for whatever reason so leaves it to her dh, your brother. His living the life of Riley of her family’s dime and cnba to arrange things so basically they just don’t happen. Might also not want to have to admit his parents have given him so much money.

That’s perfectly possible — no ill will may be involved at all. My brother has been semi-absorbed into his wife’s family purely because, while he’s a timid, socially-awkward, easily-worried type, her family is large, straightforward and extremely involved with one another (lots of them live on the family farm). My family is far more scattered, my parents are shy and introverted, and I know my SIL, well-meaning, but unimaginative and tactless, thinks they should be more like her family. Basically, DB just doesn’t make much of an effort, and his wife is always doing stuff with her siblings and parents, who are geographically closer to them , so he goes along with it.

@SirYawnsAlot

This is a zombie from 2019. Would be interested in an update from OP though.

Ah, crap. Who is reanimating all these zombies recently???

We have the same. I do blame my brother primarily, he dropped the ball but his wife also makes zero effort with us, we are never invited to see them and although told it’s an open invitation often get a frosty reception when we have taken it upon ourselves to go to theirs. Her family spend a lot of time at their house, spending days on end, but if we stay longer than a few hours we get the feeling we have outstayed our welcome. We’ve stopped bothering now.

It’s her dislike of us coupled with my brothers weakness, some men will do anything for an easy life including slowly cutting out their own family. It’s very sad as they live 5 min away from us and my son and their son are best friends at school but have no relationship outside of school.

If you want even a semblance of a relationship OP you will have to keep making the effort to see them, otherwise you will end up estranged. It’s sad but it’s the truth with weak men like this.

Some men are a bit lazy. You could try saying u r visiting ur parents, would he be in if u drop by on the way - the kids haven’t seen him in ages (do this a few weeks in advance so he doesn’t have an excuse of being booked up).

My dB fucked off to USA 25 years ago. Never sent so much as a birthday card to his nieces or nephews. Married twice. Between the marriages did have a great girlfriend who sent stuff on his behalf.
Now he is old, broke and jobless he suddenly wants to be friends.
I owe him nothing and have firm intentions to have nowt to do with him once our mum passes away.

Hi all. What do DD DS etc stand for? I got SIL. I agree that it's all about putting in effort and I don't we wouldn't see them. I think some people are so wrapped up in themselves. We didn't even got a phone call when our baby was born. On the other hand I think of that film 'he's just not that in to you'.
My SIL has nothing to do with her sister, brother in law, 2 nieves, mum and step-dad. We almost got added to the list. I highlighted all the occasions we asked them to see us and all the response we got was 'sorry not free'. I said why don't you suggest dates when you ARE free?

And completely agree with the comments about why is it always the women who buy the gifts even if its not their side of family.

Hi OP

At this stage I dont think it matters if you come across as pushy (as long as you are respectful)...he has taken your parents life savings and going on holiday while they are struggling! They need someone to be pushy for them.

Could you see him face to face at all? Have you got any trips home planned? Is there any proof of the money they gave him being a loan eg text messages etc?

I do think you need to accept that the brother you thought you knew has gone forever and do what you can to protect your parents

Different story but I feel like I am grieving my brother. Reality v expectations- it is a form of grief really. My advice is don't let it consume you. Acceptance is the easier path. That doesn't mean you can't be disappointed and hurt and express that to your brother.

@tvdinnertracks can you give us an update on how things have turned out?
Aside from the money situation you mentioned, we are experiencing a similar situation here with my beloved brother having become more and more aloof since getting into a relationship 8 years ago. We used to speak daily and were a very close, big family and are now lucky to hear from him every 4-6 months. Meet-ups may occur once a year & are brief with all of us crammed into the one session they offer out to us last minute (we all end up accepting as we’d never see him otherwise). His attitude to all the children has changed and he has no interest or communication with them anymore which is so incredibly sad. They have never been to our house in spite of spending lots of time down the road with his partner’s aunt (my brother had been to stay on his own a few times at the start of their relationship, before things really started to drift). Both our children have been born in the last 8 years and he joined one birthday party but that’s it. He has also lost contact with all his old friends which concerned us. He seems happy with his partner but his priorities and interests are now based around her - he’s become a workaholic like her and they have moved around the country after her job. Despite previously loving his nieces and nephews and being great with children, he is now 40 and has no children of his own which they referenced didn’t fit with her career commitments at the time. Obviously not having children is not an issue, just mentioning as it is so unlike his normal character to put work ahead of everything and what he wanted in life previously. My mum won’t hear a bad word said about him and pretends it’s not happening by burying her feelings and saying she’s happy that he’s happy even though she never hears from him. My sister and I miss him so much, but perhaps he’s just not the same person he was, do we just accept this and leave him to drift away? Is that best for him? I’m interested to know how things turn out down the line, or any ways of reframing this. Accepting it and moving on is challenging and doesn’t feel quite the right thing to do for him, but we do want to respond to the messaging and find a way forward. Have you had any breakthroughs? Hope you and your parents are well and they have at the very least had the money returned.

Although this is an old thread but resonates with me on so many levels even though I’m an only child and got no experience of having siblings!

As a child I was so desperate for siblings I thought if only I had them my life would be perfect

my mum who was also an only child had imo ridiculous stereotyped views of both only children and people with siblings - which to me was all nonsense

she thought only children were ‘all the same’ - spoilt and set in their ways and lonely /without support - I’ve never heard such nonsense, basically - and she thought all siblings were jealous of each other and were starved of attention and hostile to each other but also had support with elderly parents (I mean her attitudes were so contradictory in themselves)

But this thread shows that siblings can just drift apart in adulthood in the complete absence of any jealousy or hostility towards each other - even with a neutral relationship so flies in the face of any of my mums batshit theories about siblings

Sorry to hear this OP but be happy in the knowledge that you’ve not done anything ‘wrong’ in you and your sibling’s relationship!

Was the agreement that he would pay your parents back? If so, that should be your first priority.

Stop sending them cards and gifts that they don't reciprocate. Pull right back and stop trying to contact him, apart from more formal requests for him pay back your parents.

There's nothing that shows lack of class more than looking down on decent people. Your SIL is in no position to think anybody is "common". She was never even taught basic manners. Money can't buy class.

there is definitely more to the story you are not telling us!

my SIL could have written this! Mil and SIL were super nice to me as long as I said yes to everything and let them decide what to do, where to go etc. they expected us to spend every weekend with them and just be “yes” people. They ruined our new year and other special days as we made other plans with friends.

When we started putting some boundaries, they got super evil and started manipulative tactics to get what they want. It was the most turbulent time of my life and our relationship.

we don’t speak much to SIL now. Although she doesn’t do much now, too much water has flown under the bridge.

im not saying you did all this with your SIL, but have a hard look at the past.