Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBXH bringing DS home during his contact time - AIBU?

45 replies

MenopausalMrs · 18/09/2019 11:49

Looking for some advice as to whether IABU as I don’t have anyone in RL I can get an objective opinion from.

I am currently going through a divorce from STBXH (we separated a year ago). While the financial settlement is being negotiated, he is renting a flat and I am living in the marital home and paying the full mortgage and all associated costs. We both have new relationships. Mine is long distance so we rarely get to spend time together (which works for me!!).

I am primary carer for our 2DC (13, 9), STBXH works shifts and has them overnight one night per week, and for the weekend every once every 6 weeks (for 2 nights, Friday / Saturday).

STBXH still has a key to the marital home and because he is still on the mortgage feels he can come and go as he pleases. He picks DD up a few times a week from school and then takes her to sports clubs. He generally enters the home around 20 mins before pickup time, leaves to collect her, then comes back home and hangs out with DS before leaving.

To avoid drip feeding, I should mention that he has form for entering my bedroom and going through my stuff which I know about because I set up a hidden camera in my room and caught him doing it. I now have the camera set up to observe him entering and leaving but don’t know what he does when he is there.

I have told him that him coming and going makes me uncomfortable but he says he still legally owns the house so can do what he pleases.

On the weekends that STBXH has the children, he generally drops DS off at home on the Saturday morning so that he can play on his xBox all day. This means that DS is around on the Saturday which is meant to be my ‘child free’ time. STBXH says this is okay and I cannot deny my DS access to his home whenever he wants to be there. Additionally, whenever DC stay overnight with him in the week, he always finds a reason to bring the kids home to me in the morning (forgotten socks, DD needs a hug etc) before they go to school.

I am in a new relationship (long distance) and my DP is visiting this weekend. I want to tell STBXH that I don’t want him to drop DS off on the Saturday as I’d like to spend time in my house without DS around. AIBU to request this? It really would be nice to have a lie and hang out with DP without my son being there. If I mention that part to STBXH he will tell me I should get a hotel or something but why should I when it is my home and the DC are supposed to be with him?

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 18/09/2019 11:54

Couldn't you just tell Ex that you will be away, and not back until the evening, so don't bring the boys back early as you won't be there?

BarbariansMum · 18/09/2019 11:54

I think you need legal advice (or maybe someone in here will know) about whether your ex currently has the legal right to enter your house, a d, if so, how long will this last.

If/when he doesn't have the right, change the locks and tell him contact happens at his place.

PotteringAlong · 18/09/2019 11:55

Just change the locks...

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 18/09/2019 11:57

Your STBXH should definitely not be rooting around in the marital home. The first thing I'd do would be to put a lock on my bedroom door and keep it locked when you're not there. Keep any sensitive papers there.

Regarding this weekend, I'd tell STBXH that you're going away, rather than having your DP over in the house. If he knows you're there he will drop the kids back to try and disrupt things, but if he thinks you're away hopefully he won't turn up if you're not there to dump the children with.

Part of me wants to say just change the locks, but I don't know the legalities of what he's entitled to so hopefully someone else will advise. Are you taking steps to remove him from the mortgage?

Original poster
MenopausalMrs · 18/09/2019 12:03

If I say I am away he will still drop DS off because he is 13 and can stay at home alone... which is why I feel I need to tell him not to drop him back 😬

Legally I can't change the locks, but I like the idea of lock on my bedroom door 👍🏼

OP posts:
Joerev · 18/09/2019 12:04

What on earth does STBXH mean?

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/09/2019 12:07

STBXH = soon to be ex husband.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 18/09/2019 12:07

Double lock the door or keep the key and chain on. Get an occupancy order so he can't come in

Lulualla · 18/09/2019 12:08

Lock the door and leave the key in the door. Ignore them completely. When they contain, just say you wete unwell and asleep. Unless you think they'd call.he police or something.

But you really should speak to your solicitor about this. You're paying for the house. He isn't. There will be a financial settlement to make things fair, but part of that needs to be that you own the house and may live in it but he cannot.

harriethoyle · 18/09/2019 12:10

Honestly? I would change the locks and let him seek legal redress if he feels strongly about it. I bet he won't put his money where his mouth is. Would be terrible if you lost your bag with keys and address in together, thus necessitating lock change wouldn't it?

BigFatLiar · 18/09/2019 12:10

Does hid new 'girlfriend' know he is visiting so often?

WarshipWarrior · 18/09/2019 12:11

Go and stay at a hotel with your DP. Lock bedroom door. Tell STBXH you have a camera in case of burglaries so you will also be able to see if he is doing anything he shouldn't be!!! And then if your son really wants to be at home he can be without ruining your time with DP. Also if DS is 13 maybe tell him you need the house to yourself for a few hours. Or put the chain on the door so if they do come home they cant get in.

Lulualla · 18/09/2019 12:12

And talk to your son. He's 13 not 3. He is old enough to understand that mum and dad are split up and that he spends time with you at home and then time with dad at his other home. He cannot just turn up when you have other things going on and his other parent is meant to be looking after him. You can explain that without making him feel unwanted but tell him clearly that when it's time with dad then that's it and also point on that when it's your time, you don't just dump him at his dad's house. His dad has time to do other things and you deserve the same.

When you're dealing with a really shitty ex, you need to be open and honest with your children and explain how it will work and the expectations.

SunshineAngel · 18/09/2019 12:12

It's all very well letting him keep is key as he's on the mortgage, but he should not be going into your home on his own when you're not in the house, nor wandering round the bedrooms.

As for dropping your son off early, does he give you warning that he's going to do this? All you need to do is say sorry, you've got plans. What does your son feel about it? I know you want your "child free day", but if your son is going to play on his console all day - and if you're happy to allow that - is that not good enough?

The only reason I say that is that I would be careful about demanding he doesn't bring him back, as it's easy for the child to get the wrong idea and feel unwanted.

Definitely get a lock on the bedroom. Although if you can't change the locks on the house for legal reasons, surely he could argue that he has the right to legal access to every room in the house?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/09/2019 12:12

Are you sure that legally you cannot change the locks?

Otherwise, if you can afford it I'd suggest a hotel because if it will inconvenience you and prevent you and your DP from having nookie then you can BET he'll be there.

ColaFreezePop · 18/09/2019 12:14

If your STBXH has moved out then change the locks.

Make up some bullshit reason why you changed the locks to be polite - involving someone getting your address as well as the house keys - and if he asks for a key tell him as he doesn't live in the house any more you won't give him one due to what happened to you.

chesterdraws1 · 18/09/2019 12:14

Get DS to take his X-box to dad's house for the wknd.

ISmellBabies · 18/09/2019 12:17

Just change the locks, as you lost your key. If he says that's not ok I need a key, tell him you'll get him one cut, then don't. Let him take you to court for a key to a house he no longer lives in. He won't.

Babynut1 · 18/09/2019 12:22

A friend of mine changed the locks as soon as the ex moved out.
He kept demanding a key, she ignored him, his solicitor kept writing to her demanding a key, she ignored him.

He threatened that he was going to turn up with a locksmith and change the keys.
She called the police for harassment.

The police asked him why he needed a key when none of his possessions are there. He couldn’t answer.

He never got a key 😁

olivesnutsandcheese · 18/09/2019 12:48

Of course you can change the locks. He is taking the utter piss. If, when your financial settlement is sorted, he gains the house. Then you can give him the keys when you move out

JacquesHammer · 18/09/2019 12:57

If you're in the middle of the financial wrangling you would be foolish to change the locks without taking legal advice.

Adding an extra level of security - so sash jammers and then leaving by a different door would be acceptable.

endofthelinefinally · 18/09/2019 12:57

Why is his name still on the mortgage if you are paying it?
If you could get his name off it he would not have an excuse.

SandyY2K · 18/09/2019 13:06

I can't believe you didn't think of putting a lock on your bedroom door before this thread.

I'd change the locks on the house...say you had an attempted break in and not give him a new key.

He sounds like a bully tbh and like a lazy dad. One day a week and he shirkles out of it by bringing them home early.

Even if you have to eventually give him a new key, it'll take him a while to get that sorted, thats if he bothers....so I'd do it.

Appletreehouse · 18/09/2019 13:09

I'm not sure you can refuse to have your son come back, after all it is his home? Does he know about your new partner and how has he taken the relationship? I get you want your 'child free day' at home, but as the split with your ex is recent I think it's a bit unsettling for him if he's stopped from coming home, how is he likely to react if you ask him to give you privacy this one weekend, if he's cool with it then yes do as pp suggest. Perhaps he isn't enjoying staying at his dad's though? How well does your new partner know about the situation, is it likely to be difficult if you lock your ex out for one weekend and he starts hammering on the door to gain entry and arguing about access?

I get it's frustrating as it sounds like it's all intentional and a way for your ex to still influence your life when he has such a small window of time with his children it's rubbish he doesn't want to make that quality time with his son, but I do think you're a bit unreasonable unless your son is on board, sorry.

JacquesHammer · 18/09/2019 13:09

Why is his name still on the mortgage if you are paying it?
If you could get his name off it he would not have an excuse

The OP says they're working through the financial settlement.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread