STBXH bringing DS home during his contact time - AIBU?

[MenopausalMrs]

Looking for some advice as to whether IABU as I don’t have anyone in RL I can get an objective opinion from.

I am currently going through a divorce from STBXH (we separated a year ago). While the financial settlement is being negotiated, he is renting a flat and I am living in the marital home and paying the full mortgage and all associated costs. We both have new relationships. Mine is long distance so we rarely get to spend time together (which works for me!!).

I am primary carer for our 2DC (13, 9), STBXH works shifts and has them overnight one night per week, and for the weekend every once every 6 weeks (for 2 nights, Friday / Saturday).

STBXH still has a key to the marital home and because he is still on the mortgage feels he can come and go as he pleases. He picks DD up a few times a week from school and then takes her to sports clubs. He generally enters the home around 20 mins before pickup time, leaves to collect her, then comes back home and hangs out with DS before leaving.

To avoid drip feeding, I should mention that he has form for entering my bedroom and going through my stuff which I know about because I set up a hidden camera in my room and caught him doing it. I now have the camera set up to observe him entering and leaving but don’t know what he does when he is there.

I have told him that him coming and going makes me uncomfortable but he says he still legally owns the house so can do what he pleases.

On the weekends that STBXH has the children, he generally drops DS off at home on the Saturday morning so that he can play on his xBox all day. This means that DS is around on the Saturday which is meant to be my ‘child free’ time. STBXH says this is okay and I cannot deny my DS access to his home whenever he wants to be there. Additionally, whenever DC stay overnight with him in the week, he always finds a reason to bring the kids home to me in the morning (forgotten socks, DD needs a hug etc) before they go to school.

I am in a new relationship (long distance) and my DP is visiting this weekend. I want to tell STBXH that I don’t want him to drop DS off on the Saturday as I’d like to spend time in my house without DS around. AIBU to request this? It really would be nice to have a lie and hang out with DP without my son being there. If I mention that part to STBXH he will tell me I should get a hotel or something but why should I when it is my home and the DC are supposed to be with him?

We put internal locks throughout our house, plus internal cameras. We live in a high risk area for burglary. We lock everything when we go out.

Get the locks changed. He shouldn't have unlimited access to the home now that you're separated and he doesn't live there. It's just a power thing. Will he be coming off the mortgage? Or are you selling? The sooner you are completely separate the better anyway.

I was told once I had moved out I had to organise a date /time to collect stuff but could no longer have free access to the house.
Change the locks. He would have to take to to court for access - and going off his piss taking rummage history he would be told to stfu I imagine.

I had an issue a bit like this with teenage children and changing the locks wouldn't solve it in my case because the teens had keys.
My teenagers need keys to get in after school when I'm at work and their father was dropping them off when I wasn't home and then following them into the house. I didn't feel I could tell my teens to deny access to their father without putting them in an uncomfortable position.

I spoke to him and warned him off, pointing out the house was no longer his home, even if his name was still on it and in my case it worked.

I don't know what you can do otherwise, apart from a lock on the bedroom door.

Every controlling husband I've ever heard of pulled this stunt. It's because they see access time as 'baby-sitting so the wife can go out having fun', and they're not having that!

Tell your dp that you want your son in the house on Saturday. Tell him it's very important to you to have your son this Saturday. Beg a little.

He won't come near you then.

Did you keep the film of him rummaging through your stuff? If so, send it to him, there would be nothing worse than having to watch film of yourself sneaking around

If you wanted to be really really mean, with no going back, you could upload it to your FB page and say someone had broken into your house, does anyone recognise this man? I know, you wouldn't do it, it's just fun to imagine.

I think once you’re separated and he’s moved out, he no longer has the same rights to your space. You need to check this with your lawyer or post in legal - I’m sure someone will have a quick answer for you.

I would add another lock on your front door and fail to give him a key. Tell him you are away this weekend and do not want him going round there or dropping off kids. He’s supposed to be having quality time!

Don’t tell him about the new lock. He should respect your wishes, so the only way he’ll find out is if he tries to go against them.

He sounds an arse.

STBXH still has a key to the marital home and because he is still on the mortgage feels he can come and go as he pleases.

^Well he can because it is HIS house too

I think it's really sad you don't want your own son in his own home. How might he be feeling, that dad keeps dropping him home early and then that mum would rather him not be there. He didn't ask for this.

??? Feel sorry for the kid because his dad can't be arsed with him and is using him as a weapon against his mother, but don't try blaming OP because she wants stbx to actually bloody patent so she too can have a bit of free time!

FFS!

You will probably find that it will only take one time of your STBXH waltzing in to find your new BF in his boxers on the sofa before he starts getting the message.

Guys like to mark territory, he's coming in so much because it's making him feel like you and the space are still "his" and its stopping other males from setting up shop.

I find it sad to read that your son sees his Dad on the Friday & Saturday once every 6 weeks yet neither of them can survive the Saturday without the XBox? The Ex uses it as an excuse to drop DS off home so the son can play all day on it? Wouldn't it be so much nicer if the Dad did something with both the children so there was no need for an Xbox. If no one can get through one day without said Xbox then yes, as a PP said, let him take the Xbox with him to the Dad's home. Shame though. I hope you can work something out.

If it was me I’d buy another Xbox for dads house. You shouldn’t have to, but it would sort the problem!

www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/can-change-locks-divorce/

Ive just found this after a quick google search. Looks like he has the right to enter until you get a right of occupation order sorted?

Change the locks! Of course you can!

I understand that it would not be worth changing the locks. OP's son needs a key and his dad will just get him to open the door and follow him in.
That is why I suggested internal locks.
OP, you could at least lock your own room and keep your personal stuff in there. If he can't get in there he may be less interested in coming into the house at all.

Get an occupation order sorted. I saw discussion about it on another thread over the last week or so, and it was possible to do within a few days - IIRC you go in person and sit outside a judge's chambers, waiting to nab one to sign it. Anyone remember that thread?

He’s moved out! It may be partly his house, but it’s wholly your home. He has another address and has no need to enter your home.

Change the locks and tell him to arrange to pick up and drop off at organised times

Law or no law I’d never let him into my home again if he went through my stuff! How dare he- he’d lose the right to be treated with any form of respect after that.

Changing the locks does not work if you have a teenager with a key!!!