About having a 2nd child?

[GlimmerShimmer]

First of all, I apologize for the silly name I've NC for this as I have family on here and don't want to out myself. Second of all, I'm posting here for traffic as I'm unsure where else to post this.

My DP and I had a beautiful DS 10 months ago, we're completely and utterly besotted with him. We're engaged with plans to get married in a couple of years. Financially, we're good. We pay the bills, have enough for everything we all need and enough to treat ourselves and DS after everything along with putting a bit in savings.

Everyone keeps asking when we're having another DC. They keep saying wouldn't you like another? Do you plan on having another?

The answer: Yes! I would love another child! Some days, it really plays on my mind. We're not exactly young, and I do have PCOS, so that made TTC a bit difficult.

The problem is, my DP and I discussed it at length and, as much as it hurts to admit, financially we couldn't afford to have another child. We feel it's best to focus on DS, giving him the best life we can (which atm, we can do) rather than having another child and struggling.

We both feel it's the best and most responsible thing to do. But how do I move on from the crushing feeling it gives me to think of not having a second? I know it's early days, but sometimes I could cry at how upset it makes me.

We're doing the right thing, right? It makes me feel so sad to think we will have no more children, even though we both love DS more than anything.

What is it that you couldn't afford? It sounds like you are ok financially.

Having one child is fine if that’s what you both want. But it’s not.

If you can afford treads and savings surely you can afford another child instead? What is the cost you’re worried about?

I guess it's that yes, we have enough to put into savings and treat ourselves. But our savings recently took a hit due to unforeseen circumstances, so we're pretty much working it back up. And by treat, I mean go out for a family meal and stuff.

I don't know if it's just me worrying about money, in case one of us looses our jobs or anything we're not prepared for. I do suffer with anxiety, so maybe it's just me overthinking?

I feel this so hard OP. I struggle between desperately wanting a second and knowing it's not the responsible thing to do. Childcare costs for a second would cripple us.

Do you have to decide right now? Dc1 is only ten months old. Many people wouldn't be thinking of a second yet anyway for many reasons. Why not just agree that you won't have any more children at the moment, and leave it open to discuss again in a few years.

As for people asking, "we'll see" is my favourite answer no matter what I'm actually planning.

I think if you both really want a second then that is more important than treats. Of course having spare money is nice; and I wouldn’t recommend that someone really struggling financially has another child. But it sounds like you’re not struggling financially.

Have you factored in childcare? I found it crippling when both mine were in nursery but now with one in school and one in nursery but partly funded our finances are massively better.

you have plenty of time! if you haven't had another in the next two years I will eat my hat.

If you can’t afford it - then you can’t afford it. Think of how wonderful life will be with the one you have, the fact you can afford everything without worrying etc. We have two, and after working it out, two was all we could afford so 2 it is. 💕

It sounds like it's a choice between a very comfortable lifestyle with one, or some restrictions and compromises with two?

I would go with my head over my heart on this. But I'm a generally logical rather than emotional person.

This is us, we are comfortable with one, we can afford childcare, mortgage, bills, savings, some nice things, holidays. We can't live extravagantly but I don't have to make a MN chicken last a week. If we had a second it would be a struggle with paying for childcare, extracurricular activities, holidays etc.

I also have PCOS and I'm already 35 so we can't wait until DS is in school. We can give DS a really lovely life, with two we'd have to say no a lot, and I know some people are happy with twenty pounds a week for groceries and going camping once every five years, but that's not the life I want to give my child. I grew up with parents working multiple jobs for low pay so we could go to Spain once every few years and I saw the look on their faces when they'd have to say no to the summer camp, or borrow money when the next in the succession of old bangers blew up, or the panic of an unexpected bill. I absolutely love them for what they did for us, but I saw how hard it was on them and how tired they were at times just making ends meet, even though they did everything to protect us from that sand we had a nice childhood and we had a lot of fun. They were adamant we got good educations and careers so we wouldn't have to do what they did, and having a second child would put a strain on my family that isn't necessary, sometimes life choices have to be pragmatic.

We struggle financially at the moment and ds is 9 months. We know things will get better when I go back to work and ds starts full time school so we’re not planning another for another for at least 3 years, preferably not until ds is 5. I considered sticking to 1 child but felt a longing to experience another baby (I don’t feel “done”).

Time may not be on your side but why don’t you think about it when your child is a little older? I think you’re putting yourself through hell by making a firm decision now. You clearly have an urge for another if you’re becoming so upset.

@Tojigornot I wouldn't say 'very' comfortable, just comfortable.

I know people are right about it being a bit too soon to be deciding anything for definite, but we just want to be sensible. It's definitely a 'heart v head' situation. I just love DS so much, I just can't imagine being 'done'!

We only planned on having one DC but DD popped up as a surprise. I was a SAHM until a month ago and so we have no savings any more, but the kids are all at school now and so childcare costs are reducing.

We don't manage 'destination' holidays but we do a lot of camping plus we visit Family. Our kids do one activity after school, we all enjoy each other's company and everyone is very very happy.

We don't need much, nor do they expect much.

My two best friends have one child each and both of these kids are so spoilt, it can actually be rather embarrassing. They are also not good at sharing (we are talking 11 year olds) or considering others.

I am also pleased that we didn't stop at one for when DC are older. They will have each other when they are adults.

Anyway, all I am saying is there is more to life than money, and having more than one is actually quite a lovely thing to experience.

Research now indicates that PCOS women (I'm one myself) have lower fertility than non-PCOS women while young, but by later on, 35+, have comparable or even higher fertility rates than a typical woman of the same age.

I suffered terribly from depression because I kept failing to conceive in my 20s and had been told by a revolting doctor that if I didn't conceive by 30, I should not even bother trying. At 31, I conceived DS1, at 33, got pregnant with DS2 totally accidentally! I couldn't believe it! All those years of temperature taking in my 20s, tracking my ovulation on a chart, peeing on sticks...and then to have a kid because of a fun night with my husband!

Anyway, don't think you're done yet. Lots of time to decide. You might be surprised what the future holds...and hand-me-downs make a second child cheaper.

I think you should give it a couple of years then decide. If you have another one when DC1 is off to school or at least getting the 3 year old funding then your childcare bill wouldn't increase that much. Otherwise going from one to two doesn't incur huge expenses generally as you can reuse the baby things you have for your first.

We've got a 3.5 year age gap and it's worked well. It's so lovely seeing them play together. I'm glad we had two.

You say you want the best for your ds and completely dismiss a sibling as being part of what could be best for him. I'm not saying an only child is s bad thing, I'm merely saying s sibling has its rewards too. I'd rather have my sister than memories of posher holidays.

Your ds is just a baby. Give it a year and see how you feel. You might decide that you’re done, or the overwhelming urge to have another may be too hard to resist.

Just enjoy your DS for now.

You don’t sound like your financial situation should stop you going for a second. We were a lot worse off when we had dd2 and we’ve done just fine.

I would have a second if that is what you want.

I had a second baby and ended up pregnant with twins! Haha!

Anyway, we make it work. We won’t be moving anytime soon, we shop in Aldi now, we take holidays in the uk, and nearly all my money goes on childcare but they re worth every penny! It’s not forever. Once the free hours kick in we will be positively rich compared to now. Once all kids are at school it will be better still. If you told me I would be paying for 3 x children childcare a few years ago I would have laughed and said no way we can afford it. But you just do!

Everything that TriMummy3 said and more. Doesn't sound like you're done, and having two kids is wonderful. Sounds like you're doing well enough financially to have a second anyway.

I agree I think you should ho for a second if you would both like another. We are considerably less well off than friends, with 3 kids rather than 1 or 2 like they have but we totally make it work. Like trimummy3 said, holidays are in the uk, we dont go out for meals and dont have a big sky package or the latest phones but we are very happy and I think the kids have a good life. We have enough for day trips every now and then and have found some great free places locally, we ask for national trust tickets for Christmas from our parents or other trips out and I wouldn't change it for the world. Not saying being an only child is a bad thing but seeing my kids hug in the morning, my ds8 read dd2 a bedtime story or the 3 of them running about in a park together is better than any other treat to me. Maybe wait until your son is a little older so you only have 1 lot of childcare to find but I think the regret would be worse than the sacrifices you will have to make

How old are you OP?

This could be written by me. My ds is 17 months. Always wanted Two children but the more we spoke about the more we realise that the sensible thing for us is 1. We are financially ok, savings , few trips abroad every year, days out (children focussed nowadays :)) etc. Can afford mortgage , bills, nursery etc. We both like our careers so have continued with them after shared parental leave

Having a second one would mean ; battling with pcos as well, anxiety during whole pregnancy (I did have a mentally bad pregnancy with ds), house would need an extension hence would need to borrow another 30-40k, Two children in nursery (only now we are paying 1.1k/month so double that ). We’d need to give up much of our life style and not sure I’m ready for it

Think we’ve always been pushed to have more than one , always guilt tripping about imagine how much your other child would enjoy having another friend to play with, how much happier he would be etc. As If single children weren’t happy. People around me are having their second children but more and more are sticking to having one because they love having children but also there are things they don’t want to give up to.

. Think we’re in a society where you are born, grow up, meet a partner , marry, have one child , then x more and if you don’t do it that way then you’re strange. Having more than one child must be amazing, I’m not saying it’s not. But it has to be the right thing for you and you don’t have to have it if not

I think we have made up our minds about only having one. To others might seem selfish but it’s the right thing for us. But.... some days I want another one and I think there always be a part of me so choose what it’s best for your family even if sometimes you wishes you had done the opposite (whatever decision you choose ;))

@newmumwithquestions The reason why they can afford treats and savings is because they only have the one child. Having a second child would deplete both funds immediately for years to come.

I recently found out that I’m pregnant and would honestly love it to be twins. I would really like to have two children but my age and the thought of being pregnant again (dealing with the nausea, tiredness) mean it’s unlikely. If it was twins now I’d get it over with in one fell swoop!

I'm not sure how old posters Here are but I think this thread demonstrates exactly why it's so important to think about starting ttc, if life circumstances allow, in your 20s. I've just had my first baby at just turning 29 and we'll hopefully look to have our second in my early 30s when we've had a chance to stabilise our finances and DS1 is starting school (so childcare costs are kept to just one child!)