About having a 2nd child?

[GlimmerShimmer]

First of all, I apologize for the silly name I've NC for this as I have family on here and don't want to out myself. Second of all, I'm posting here for traffic as I'm unsure where else to post this.

My DP and I had a beautiful DS 10 months ago, we're completely and utterly besotted with him. We're engaged with plans to get married in a couple of years. Financially, we're good. We pay the bills, have enough for everything we all need and enough to treat ourselves and DS after everything along with putting a bit in savings.

Everyone keeps asking when we're having another DC. They keep saying wouldn't you like another? Do you plan on having another?

The answer: Yes! I would love another child! Some days, it really plays on my mind. We're not exactly young, and I do have PCOS, so that made TTC a bit difficult.

The problem is, my DP and I discussed it at length and, as much as it hurts to admit, financially we couldn't afford to have another child. We feel it's best to focus on DS, giving him the best life we can (which atm, we can do) rather than having another child and struggling.

We both feel it's the best and most responsible thing to do. But how do I move on from the crushing feeling it gives me to think of not having a second? I know it's early days, but sometimes I could cry at how upset it makes me.

We're doing the right thing, right? It makes me feel so sad to think we will have no more children, even though we both love DS more than anything.

I don’t think it’s wise making massive life decisions when you’re still less than a year into such a massive change as becoming a mother. Who knows how your feelings might change over time? When my first child was 10 months old I would have been devastated at the thought of not having another. By the time she was 2 and a half the thought of a second child was a lot more daunting.

We decided to have a second child anyway because it’s what we always planned and felt that while it is harder than having one at first we would regret not doing it in the end.

In a couple of years time you may be more financially stable and decide to go ahead and have a second child after all and then you will have been struggling with your feelings about missing out on a second child for nothing. Or you may feel completely different and not want to start over again.

Try not to worry too much - your DC is still young. You have much to look forward to with him. Our DC is also 10 months old (and I’m not a spring chicken).

We always said we wanted one, but when DC was a few weeks old, I desperately wanted another already. DH was (is) adamant we stick at one.

Financially it makes sense for us to just have one - we can give them a better quality of life now and when they are older.

For us certainly the cost of childcare for two in these early years would be crippling. I’d have to think again once they got older, but I’m starting to come through to the other side and focus on enjoying the one I have, not focussing on another I don’t.

To the poster who said her friends only children were spoilt and siblings would have each other when they were older - that’s just anecdotal - any child can be spoilt, only or not, and they may not get along when they are older.

I agree money isn’t everything, but life is a lot easier when you are not living for each pay day.

As the pp said, this a big decision so shortly after giving birth.

@motherheroic
The reason why they can afford treats and savings is because they only have the one child. Having a second child would deplete both funds immediately for years to come.
But that’s what I’m saying... what’s more important - treats/savings or a second child.

I also am not sure that a second child is always that expensive. Babies cost very little when on hand me downs, even treats out are fine because babies are usually free. Neither of us know the OPs maternity/paternity leave packages so we don’t know how much loss of earnings would be. Assuming the OP doesn’t have free childcare on tap then childcare for a second child would mean belt tightening/spending savings but the big cost of childcare is only for a short time.
So yes there is a trade off between treats/savings and a second child but if it’s only treats that have to go and all essentials are still paid it sounds like a no-brainier!

@newmumwithquestions But it's not just treats/savings it could potentially be uni funds or helping your child with a house deposit if you intend to do so. Just something to think about. Neither side is wrong though.

You don't actually sound like you have any reasons not to have a 2nd child.

He is 10 months old so you have time to get your savings up if that's what you want to do.

Truth is if you're financially fine with one then you will be fine with 2 you just don't want to compromise the lifestyle you currently have and that's okay if you will live without regrets

Nothing wrong with having 1, but if you say 'as much as it hurts' and that you'd really love to have another, I think you would regret it. 2 kids is necessarity not twice as expensive, lot of things can be re-used, you do not necessarily need to extend your house, you do not have to get a bigger car for a family of 4 and so on. Yes if you both want to work, then childcare is something to figure out. Uni fees/flat deposits etc as well, but that's not an immediate concern and I would not stop at one if you really want 2 because of a hypothetical situation in 18 years. They might not even want to go to Uni!

Any costs you can cut or incomes you can increase?

@Onceuponacheesecake it's not the fact that I don't want to compromise my lifestyle. I would happily compromise if I was confident we could give both children the life they deserve.

And at the moment, I don't think we can. At the moment, we're in a two bedroom house with HA and it took us awhile to get that. Goodness knows how long it would take us to move again, and we couldn't afford to privately rent. But we're okay with that. We're in a lovely area with great neighbors and close to all local amenities.

I'm early 30's and DP is late 30's.

I have no idea why there's so much pressure to make a decision so early on. I was still bleeding after giving birth and my MIL was banging on about the next one.

I'd give it another year and see how you are then - kids can share a room for years even if they're different sexes. You'd have things from your first child to reuse with a second so that initial outlay wouldn't be as much as a problem.