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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL - birthday dinner

34 replies

Awineaday · 17/09/2019 17:42

Just want to get a few others opinions as I don’t think I will change what I currently do but just want to make sure that I am not BU.
It was my birthday recently. Not a special one. If I am in the city where all my family lives we usually stay as PIL as they have room and would be offended if we didn’t. They wouldn’t understand why we wouldn’t stay with them and then spend money on a hotel (which I would love to do) as no small talk and no tiptoeing around them. (My DP always asks if we can stay beforehand so no just turning up and we always either get them a present or take them out for dinner to say thank you). Anyway my family go out for dinner on my birthday (just DH, DM and DSis). Nothing crazy, just standard dinner at a thai restaurant. So MIL makes a comment that she was speaking her friend about my family dinner and they were shocked that PIL were not invited too. Now I just ignored the comment because I don’t want to invite them. They will add another complication to dinner as would have to go somewhere to suit them e.g. cheap british food (quantity rather than quality which I don't want for my birthday). Our families haven’t met up much as its always awkward too, both mothers put on lots of airs and graces and I just can’t handle it). I had also asked if PIL would like to go out for lunch on my birthday (my treat) but they didn’t want to do this. They don’t ask to invite my parents out for any other events such as DH birthday so AIBU to not want them to come out for my dinner. Future birthdays will be spent at home as can’t deal with this in the future (tip of the iceberg).

OP posts:

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 17:45

By staying at their home their feel they have the monopoly on your plans.
Stay in a hotel and take control of your own plans.
And life!

TabbyMumz · 17/09/2019 18:05

Why is your birthday all about them? Take your birthday back and do your own thing. Next time she says something like that, just laugh and say "oh really, how weird".

7salmonswimming · 17/09/2019 18:09

I mean, it is a bit off to stay at someone’s house over a celebratory weekend, but not invite them to the actual celebration. It’s a birthday celebration, nothing major.

I think the answer is to not stay with them and deal with the guilt trip, stay with them and invite them and deal with the awkwardness, don’t go to that city and deal with the resentment, go out with your DH/DM/DSIS in another city and deal with the MIL upset.

Obviously it’s not a huge happy family (very common). Just deal with the least bad scenario.

dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 18:14

I mean, it is a bit off to stay at someone’s house over a celebratory weekend, but not invite them to the actual celebration.

But she did invite them out for a celebratory lunch, which she offered to pay for. They said no.

All the OP wanted to do was have one meal with one side of the family and another meal with the other side, on the grounds that they like different types of food and don’t really know each other. She didn’t just ignore her in-laws - in fact she offered to treat them.

Durgasarrow · 17/09/2019 18:16

I think it is fine to get together just with a smaller group even if you are staying w in laws

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/09/2019 18:19

Honestly on paper, it IS a bit off and you look rude despite the valid reasoning

If they are truly fussy I’d invite them but refuse to change the restaurant so they decline.

But really the answer is for you and DH to both put on your big girl panties and either kip on an air bed in the living room at your parents or just get a hotel room.

MountPheasant · 17/09/2019 19:10

It is rude to stay at their house and not invite them.

However, given that they don’t invite your parents to DH birthday, and that you don’t want to stay in the first place, the solution is simple- don’t stay there next time.

Mention to your DH in advance that you want a hotel and use this incident as the reason.

bluebeck · 17/09/2019 19:13

I don't understand why you are telling them all about your life?

Surely you could have attended this birthday meal and stayed with your family or at a hotel, and they wouldn't have needed to know you were even there. It's not really any of their business is it?

Best way to deal with people like this is to starve them of info.

Templetonstunafish · 17/09/2019 19:33

I think it is a bit rude to stay at theirs and not invite them. The answer is to just stay at a hotel though if you can afford it!

TidyDancer · 17/09/2019 19:36

It's okay not to invite them, but not to stay at their house and not invite them imo. So on balance I think YABU.

CherryPavlova · 17/09/2019 19:39

Incredibly rude.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/09/2019 19:40

I think you were fine, you asked them for lunch and they declined.

Butterymuffin · 17/09/2019 19:43

Why can't you stay in a hotel and just not tell them you're there that weekend?

WelcomeToShootingStars · 17/09/2019 19:50

I think it's cheeky as fuck to not invite them but then stay at their house afterwards. They only insist on you staying if they know you're there so it's a bit like rubbing their nose in it too.

Everydayimhuffling · 17/09/2019 19:52

I don't think that is rude at all. We stay with my parents when we go to the town where they and PIL live because they have space and like having visitors. We always go out with or visit PIL for lunch or dinner with no problems and no invite for them. That's true whether we are just visiting or there for an event/celebration. We see my parents too, but it sounds like you offered that with the lunch

GiveMeHope103 · 17/09/2019 19:55

you are a big girl now OP, a married one at that. why dont you both book into hotels and stuff those who get offended. when do you get old enough to actually do what you want?

TriciaH87 · 17/09/2019 19:56

Just point out they did not invite yours on dhs birthday and that it's always been this way.

MadeForThis · 17/09/2019 19:57

Invite them to the Thai meal. But don't change your plans to suit them.

Original poster

Awineaday · 17/09/2019 20:03

Hi. Thanks for the responses. I know that I should just put my big girl pants on and stay at a hotel but I don't want to offend them. If I am visiting without DH then I do stay at a hotel and have a lovely weekend but DH likes to stay with his parents so I just suck it up. Just wanted to see if I was BU not inviting them.

OP posts:

isadoradancing123 · 17/09/2019 20:05

Its a bit off to stay with them and not invite them

bridgetreilly · 17/09/2019 20:12

I definitely don't think you have to go to a different restaurant to accommodate them when it's your birthday, but I do think they should at least be invited, especially since they are putting you up.

user1493494961 · 17/09/2019 20:21

I think you are being rude and unreasonable.

walkintheparc · 17/09/2019 20:34

I wouldn't have stayed there and then gone out without them, but I also wouldn't have changed my restaurant choice to suit them or put up with silly behaviour from the mums. The lunch was obviously a last minute attempt to put things right so I don't think that fixed it.

It's not a big deal though, just have a better plan for next time, e.g. different town and a hotel!

CircleofWillis · 17/09/2019 21:46

I think it was rude of you not to include them in your main celebration when you are staying with them. However, I wouldn't have altered the venue if they objected.

Unknownanon · 17/09/2019 21:48

Stay at a hotel. If you did capitulate and invite them, invite them for thai as it's planned and it's on them to decline due to dislike.

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