MIL - birthday dinner

[Awineaday]

Just want to get a few others opinions as I don’t think I will change what I currently do but just want to make sure that I am not BU.
It was my birthday recently. Not a special one. If I am in the city where all my family lives we usually stay as PIL as they have room and would be offended if we didn’t. They wouldn’t understand why we wouldn’t stay with them and then spend money on a hotel (which I would love to do) as no small talk and no tiptoeing around them. (My DP always asks if we can stay beforehand so no just turning up and we always either get them a present or take them out for dinner to say thank you). Anyway my family go out for dinner on my birthday (just DH, DM and DSis). Nothing crazy, just standard dinner at a thai restaurant. So MIL makes a comment that she was speaking her friend about my family dinner and they were shocked that PIL were not invited too. Now I just ignored the comment because I don’t want to invite them. They will add another complication to dinner as would have to go somewhere to suit them e.g. cheap british food (quantity rather than quality which I don't want for my birthday). Our families haven’t met up much as its always awkward too, both mothers put on lots of airs and graces and I just can’t handle it). I had also asked if PIL would like to go out for lunch on my birthday (my treat) but they didn’t want to do this. They don’t ask to invite my parents out for any other events such as DH birthday so AIBU to not want them to come out for my dinner. Future birthdays will be spent at home as can’t deal with this in the future (tip of the iceberg).

I think it's a bit rude to stay with them and not invite them to the birthday dinner (and I don't think inviting them for lunch is an acceptable alternative). However, I would have told them it was Thai or nothing.

Maybe agree with DH that when it is your/your family's celebrations, you get to stay in a hotel, which he doesn't tell them about, and for his/his family's celebrations, you stay at their house.

I don’t think you were rude. In fact, MIL was rude in what she said to you.

Also who wants to go to a Harvester or Brewers Fayre for their birthday?

Just wanted to add my voice to the ones saying you were definitely not rude. I have family members who try to pull this kind of thing. Guilting you into doing what they want in exchange for a favour you didn’t want in the first place.

No way would I stay with them if I wanted to stay at a hotel. I wouldn't change my dinner plans either to suit their tastes. If dh wants to stay with them then let him, go get a hotel.

That’s a tricky one as I can’t imagine staying with my pil and not inviting them but then my pil are quite easy going and would never complain about my restaurant choice.
I do think you should be able to visit your home town and see your family without them especially for your birthday but push for staying at a hotel.

Is it just me? I was married for 13 years and only once my parents and in laws met and that was on our wedding day. Despite only living 7 miles apart we never socialised as one family.

Not inviting them when you are staying with them is the issue. But I wouldn't change plans, just tell them your family have invited you to x restaurant, would they like to join you, everyone pays their own way. If a menu is online show it to them if not tell them the type of food and price range, they can decline if it's not their kind of place.

With my mil we started to refuse to go to crap cheap places and now they even suggest better ones

You are absolutely not being rude. When you stay with someone you’re not obliged to spend every moment with them. Nor should you feel obliged to stay with them in the first place. They’ll feel put out whatever you do, so you may as well please yourself.

I can understand why you didn't invite them but on paper it does look rude. While hotel sound nice, but if your husband prefers to stay at parents then I do think you need to suck it up.

I might be completely rude and weird. But I find it a bit odd to visit parents and having to bring a gift and take them to thank you dinner after every visit. I mean sure if there was something special and they had to take extra care.