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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some family members can ruin Christmas a bit with their expectations?

50 replies

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 17/09/2019 11:15

Each Christmas my parents just assume they are coming here on Christmas eve and I'm hosting on Christmas day without ever asking first. Then we have to travel to mil's on boxing day and are guilted into staying 2 nights at her house. We also get the guilt trip that we should be spending Christmas day at mil's every year. I would like to try a presents for children only Christmas but it's met with a No.

AIBU to think expectations from family can ruin Christmas a bit? Especially when you have done the same thing for a few/ many years in a row and family members get annoyed at the idea of any changes.

Do you get any guilt trips from family members because what you do isn't enough or doesn't suit them? Have you got stuck in a routine and family members just assume the same is happening again without asking? And they get annoyed if you try to change Christmas plans one year?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2019 11:17

Tell them what you're doing before they make any decisions for you.

Confusedbeetle · 17/09/2019 11:20

These sort of demands are ridiculous. Only you can break it. Once the patern is broken you are free. Do something different every year, your choice. Start by having one christmas unavavilable, eg go away. Then plan a different christmas each year, consider only the feelings of frail elderly. Everyone else is just demanding. The monster of Christmas has evolve sneakily

7yo7yo · 17/09/2019 11:22

Ask what they are doing for Christmas this year as you are away.
Tell them it’s a secret.

Kanga83 · 17/09/2019 11:26

You tell them what you are doing, in your home with your children. They are extended family and as such they wait for an invite. Repeat to them as necessary. If they say 'no' then reply 'sorry you feel that way, however this year we will not be hosting you on Christmas Day. We are having a lazy day with quality family time with the children'

MaMaMaMySharona · 17/09/2019 11:29

I feel your pain. I've been with my partner for nearly 6 years and we're getting married next month. Our families live around 250 miles apart, and so far every year I've gone to mine and he's gone to his, but once we're married I don't want to spend Christmas apart any more.

This year we've agreed to go to his family home for Christmas (as his sister has young DCs who we want to spend time with), however despite telling my DM this last year, she has now conveniently forgotten and has started the guilting already.

Only thing you can do really is make your own plans and let people know well in advance so they have time to organise something else!

madcatladyforever · 17/09/2019 11:35

Expectations from family over a festival I don't even celebrate meant one year I had no money and nothing to eat but pasta with nothing on it for the whole of January and couldn't afford to have the heating on.
After that I realised this was utterly ridiculous especially as they are far better off financially than me and I now refuse to celebrate xmas at all and I send no presents or cards except to my niece and nephew. I ask for none in return but they keep coming.
They didn't like it at first but they've had to lump it for several years now and I don't give any shits whether it's acceptable or not.
I make a fuss of people on their birthdays of course but for goodness sake I'm not a christian and even if I was it's not appropriate. Christians should be concentrating on giving to charity and welcoming other people into their homes rather than spending hundreds of pounds on gifts for each other in my opinion.
Nobody asks me about it any more, they get used to it eventually.

stargirl1701 · 17/09/2019 11:36

We travelled before DC arrived but as soon as DD1 was born that was it. They are all welcome to come (and bring part of the Christmas dinner).

Justmuddlingalong · 17/09/2019 11:37

A few years ago, a pain in the arse family member, who invited themselves to mine every year for as long as I can remember, informed me that they were coming to mine again that year. I replied, "No, you're not." Just like that. That broke the cycle. If you do nothing except mither to yourself about it, nothing will change. You don't have to tell them you're going away or elsewhere, just tell them that you will be doing things differently and what suits you.

pottedshrimps · 17/09/2019 11:38

Please put your foot down and do xmas your way. The resentment only gets worse, believe me.

I don't have family, but we used to have to go to pil's every year (they lived 150 miles away) and then after fil died, sil gave up visiting at xmas so dh had to go to stay with his mother otherwise she'd have been alone. He had to take ds and I'd have to work a nursing shift so I'd end up spending xmas alone. I hated it, but didn't feel as though I could object otherwise it would have looked mean towards mil. Sil didn't give a stuff and just assumed dh would cover it.

I have never got over this and still feel a seething resentment over missing xmases with ds and not getting to have a xmas in my own home. Mil died eventually and I still can't stand sil because of her past selfishness.

Please stand up to people and decide what's best for you and your family unit because you never get that time back.

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2019 11:39

Start saying what you want to happen and standing up for yourself. Draw some boundaries

pottedshrimps · 17/09/2019 11:40

Nobody ever appreciates any sacrifices you make either. The older generation can be so horrible and selfish at times.

thecatsthecats · 17/09/2019 11:41

My parents are brilliant about this - we were up for a visit this weekend, and told them we were coming up.

They were very happy that we're coming (they had Christmas alone last year), and said that they didn't believe in pressuring us to attend. The opposite, in fact (my mum always cites one of my friends who had to have two Christmas Dinners on the same day with both sets of grandparents).

MIL, on the other hand, is entirely expected to make a fuss about us going away. My husband warned me that she likes to make everything about her family (his dad's family is barely a part of their lives), and that is a big part of why we're going to my parents. In fact, it's a big part of why my husband refused to live on the same side of town to them (my parents live 150 miles away).

People who are relaxed and no pressure are the ones who are better to spend time with - too often then noisy, bossy and manipulative ones are rewarded for their bad behaviour.

Original poster
AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 17/09/2019 11:48

I used to have to go to mil's every Christmas if I wanted to see dh on the day. After 6 Christmas's at mil's I put my foot down and said I was spending it in my own home. Mil acted like I was being unreasonable and ruining her Christmas! But now 5 years on I have the expectation from my parents I am hosting Christmas for them on Christmas day

OP posts:
chuttypicks · 17/09/2019 11:50

You need to learn to say no. Surely you're a grown woman. Learn to stand up for yourself!!

Blobby10 · 17/09/2019 11:53

Once our first child was born, we said we would celebrate Christmas Day at home and did so for many years! Various family members came to us (we were lucky to live within 10 miles of them all) although it was a pain when then H had to go and pick his mother up as she didn't drive.

Never had room for them to stay over so dodged that bullet nicely Grin

Chitarra · 17/09/2019 11:53

You'll have lots of people on here saying to do whatever you want at Christmas and don't worry about what your families want.

I don't agree with that. It is a family time. But you do need to find something that works ok for you too.

How about alternate years with your parents and PILs rather than trying to squeeze them both in every year?

Katex888 · 17/09/2019 12:00

You need to be blunt and straightforward, I hosted once and never again. I told everyone I found it too stressful and I’ve only got one poxy oven. I rather feel guilty and finish a tub of quality street watching tv, then getting stressed as a martyr.

fedup21 · 17/09/2019 12:01

Say no-what’s the worst that can happen?

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 12:02

AIBU to think expectations from family can ruin Christmas a bit?

Not at all, I feel like everyone gets stressed over this at Christmas. There is immense pressure and guilt around it.

I think it's massively unfair when family members blatantly guilt-trip and pressure; often people feel guilty or upset enough about not being able to spend Christmas with their own family that year, they don't need it shoved in their faces.

I feel that quite often as well it's the parents/grandparents causing issues, which is ridiculous as they went through the same things when they had their own young kids! You would think people would remember how stressful it is to make sure everybody gets a piece of you, but it seems they conveniently forget this when their own time comes.

thecatsthecats · 17/09/2019 12:03

I don't agree with that. It is a family time. But you do need to find something that works ok for you too.

I agree that Christmas is a family time. I disagree massively that it's therefore necessary to be dragged hither and thither on the specific days themselves.

We'd go to see one set of grandparents the weekend before, the other set before NY. Called both on the day. And had various other get togethers with groups of friends over the period.

Where's the joy in asking people to faff around endlessly so that everyone gets their 'fair' allocation of time?

thecatsthecats · 17/09/2019 12:05

I feel that quite often as well it's the parents/grandparents causing issues, which is ridiculous as they went through the same things when they had their own young kids!

Don't forget the people who had Christmas centred around their own family when they had kids, but expect grandchildren to be ferried to them!

MIL is like this (we don't even yet have kids, btw!). My husband mentioned something about her wanting us with them for Christmas, and I asked what his childhood Christmases had been like - and they'd been at home, with grandparents coming to them.

YesQueen · 17/09/2019 12:06

I don't do Christmas, it's great. I spend Christmas Day watching films, eating whatever I fancy and having a nap. Last year I had pizza and chocolate sponge and custard. One year I had McDonald's Grin

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/09/2019 12:06

Never get into a routine. I had years of packing children in a car on Christmas Day and touring the area, it's mad and no fun. Now we stay at home. For the last two years we've had my PILs at my suggestion. No idea what we are doing this year, I'd like to go to my PILs but their dog is a pain in the arse.

Bibidy · 17/09/2019 12:10

It's such a shame that people put such emphasis on the one day, rather than looking at the period as a whole.

I have to admit I'm guilty of this myself, as I have a small family so would feel dreadful leaving my parents alone on Christmas Day - but realistically it's just one day! It shouldn't really matter which day it is.

Also, I really dislike people say no to doing a presents-for-the-kids-only Christmas. My DP suggested this to his brother and his brother refused - he knows that my DP isn't well off and finds Christmas a really difficult time financially, so to me saying no is just inconsiderate. People wouldn't suggest this option if they didn't have a real reason - be it the money or even just the hassle of trying to buy so many gifts at such a busy time of year.

JigsawsAreAllLittlePieces · 17/09/2019 12:12

Christmas Magic is for children, and they should be able to send the day at their home with their new toys. Don't travel.

We scaled it right back and had a light Christmas lunch with just the 3 of us and an ongoing buffet in the afternoon/evening and relatives were welcome to pop in for present exchanges. Worked well and dd was at home so almost in normal routine so if she felt overwhelmed she could go and rest in her room.