To think some family members can ruin Christmas a bit with their expectations?

[AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken]

Each Christmas my parents just assume they are coming here on Christmas eve and I'm hosting on Christmas day without ever asking first. Then we have to travel to mil's on boxing day and are guilted into staying 2 nights at her house. We also get the guilt trip that we should be spending Christmas day at mil's every year. I would like to try a presents for children only Christmas but it's met with a No.

AIBU to think expectations from family can ruin Christmas a bit? Especially when you have done the same thing for a few/ many years in a row and family members get annoyed at the idea of any changes.

Do you get any guilt trips from family members because what you do isn't enough or doesn't suit them? Have you got stuck in a routine and family members just assume the same is happening again without asking? And they get annoyed if you try to change Christmas plans one year?

Don't forget the people who had Christmas centred around their own family when they had kids, but expect grandchildren to be ferried to them!

Yep, 100%!

I feel like people get used to having everything at their own home when their kids are growing/first moved out into smaller homes. They then don't like to adapt when their kids have families of their own and big enough homes to host.

We recently changed to parents and children presents only and it's much better. The first year I suggested it I got a clear no. A few years later it was a happy yes, actually that year I just announced it.

I think you need to get stronger at saying no!

Tell people you're only doing presents for children. Just do not buy for the adults. If everyone else still wants to buy for adults then that is their decision.

Tell your parents they are not invited to yours this year. Tell them now so they have months to arrange something else.

Thankfully no. The family on both sides are very reasonable and understanding about Christmas. They're generally just happy to see us, some time over the Festive Season, if we can manage it. The only thing I know never to expect is for my parents to leave the house at all between lunchtime on Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day. If I want to see them on the high days I have to go there.

My work, on the other hand, are complete arseholes about Christmas. But that's for another thread.

My Dbro is single with no kids and my DF's partner goes to her son (my dad is never invited for some reason) so there is a huge expectation they can with come here. However I have two kids with ASD and what they want is a day very similar to every other day with more chocolate and no one flapping at them that they have to do this and that and eat this and not eat that.

The primary problem here isn’t others’ wishes, it’s that you and your DH prioritise others wishes over your own and your DCs’ wishes, and have behaved passively.

You didn’t “have to” do anything: you chose to. You can choose to do different things.

Family demands, requests, orders, each and every year with no back up and for the last 20 years the constant guilt trip bleating of "but this could be the last Xmas for Xperson." It could be MY last Xmas for all they know!! I just want to be at home with just my DCs and OH. Not hosting or being hosted. Just us, before my DC's all take off and have other plans. I literally can't stand the stress of all the expense and demands anymore. I've told them all this, separately so they understand. I've said we'd be happy to see them all during the festive season but Xmas day is off limits. Its the first time the worm has turned. We will see what happens. I expect DH to cave and I will have to be the bad guy again.

Sorry.. I forgot to say that for this reason I think you need to start making some plans about what will work for you and working out how you can accomodate them without completely ditching your own needs. There is SO much fuss about the actual day... when it should just be about stress free gathering over the season, doesnt matter which day it is. And tell them to stop guilting you too. each and every time they do it !!I wish I had done this ages ago.

Start by having one christmas unavavilable, eg go away

Do this if you can't say no.

Once we had our DD we told everyone that we were doing christmas day at home on our own but would visit or accept visitors any day over the period after that. She is now 9 and that is how it works. My DSis has suggested children only presents which is fine, but she has done it obviously as she has 2 children and a step child and I have one DD, so it costs me way more than her.

I think @Loopytiles has hit the nail on the head - you are letting others dictate what THEY want, which is not what YOU want. It's your choice, and you are the one who can break the cycle. When we first had DC we decided that we weren't going to get into the whole 'your DM one year, mine the next', because it tends to lead to expectation. My favourite time of Christmas is actually Christmas Eve: we've done all the shopping, there's still the excitement, house is decorated … I can sit back and have a drink and feel festive. One year DPs announced that as they were coming to us for Christmas dinner, they had decided to come over on Christmas Eve afternoon and stay the night. Er, no you're not!

Christmas away op.
Then start having Christmas at home.
Boxing days guests is fine.

I think you just have to be polite but persistent and let them know well ahead of time what is happening this year. Don't leave it until December to say you want the day on your own, tell them now!

Could be worse OP. Im divorced with no family other than my elderly mother. It looks like my children will be with their father and his relatives this Xmas. I would go away to miss the whole thing, but that would mean leaving my mother alone for Xmas, so I can't.
I bloody hate Xmas!

I've always had the opposite problem, to be honest. My parents have made it clear since I left their house for the last time at 19 that they could only fit me in on Boxing Day. They didn't want to see me at Christmas and this has continued after my children were born.

My husband's side of the family expected me to entertain a really unpleasant relative because my late MIL had done it and nobody else wanted to, but they suspected she was rich so felt they had to maintain family contact. After 8 years of her being rude and spiteful towards me, I had an excuse to cancel (miscarriage on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day) and despite the mc being awful, it meant that the pattern was broken and the next year I just said no. (All the in-laws took turns and put up with the relative for years and years in the hope of an inheritance, until they found out that she has given away most of her cash and done equity release on her house, so there won't be an inheritance. Now no bugger invites her!). The pint of this ramble is that it's only difficult the first time, then the pattern is broken.

Think of yourself at this time next year. You can choose what your thoughts will be. You might be thinking "Thank goodness we don't have all that stress this year and we can just please ourselves" or you could just be dreading the familiar slog and moaning about it. The choice is yours.

YES. I agree wholeheartedly - some family members expectations can ruin Xmas, especially when they almost turn into demands

This exact thing, is the reason why we stopped doing Xmas. Completely.

The expectation was, that we spent all day xmas day with in laws, and we were told to me there at 11am.

The last year we did it, we had an hours drive in the snow and we arrived 20 minutes late. Upon arrival SIL (in her 30s) having a fucking meltdown. Screaming and shouting how we had kept them all waiting. It was 11.20am and dinner was not due to be served for almost four hours

That properly fucked it for me

When we got home we both sat and thought, about how our entire xmas had been filled with their demands for years, the set budget - which was decided by them, how much we must spend per person etc...it had gotton ridiculous long before, but we hadn't realised really

We told in laws on new years day, there will be no more presents, cards or us coming up on xmas day - we don't celebrate xmas anymore it has changed into something that we do not like.

How dramatic 80s. When a simple "sorry, that doesn't work for us" would have nipped it all in the bud years before.

OP ask FC to bring you his and hers spines this year. They'll come in handy.

The problem is that people start talking about Christmas so bloody early. It was never meant to be a six week extravaganza involving complicated plans and expensive presents.

I hosted Xmas every year once I’d moved out until my eldest ds turned 1.
I’m extremely close to my dm & as df sadly passed close to Xmas I’d never leave her completely alone.

It was her suggestion that for the next couple of years they came in for a brew & presents with the kids then went home after a couple of hours. I’m sure, not so nice Xmas for her, but took the pressure off us.

She now does Christmas dinner in the evening for all of us now we live a closer & the kids are a little older. She’s welcome to pop in a bit earlier if she wants to see them/some more company.
She’d never demand our presence & seems happy to see us at some point in the day, even if it’s just for a short while.
Break the cycle op. You’ll be happier for it

We have a perfect (for us) Christmas every year. We really look forward to it. And the reason for that is because we do exactly what we want to do, and not what everyone else wants us to do.

I would like to try a presents for children only Christmas but it's met with a No. You’re working on the basis that their permission is required. It really isn’t.

Why are you acting like some helpless wee girl instead of an adult grown woman with a voice?

My inlaws are going to hate me this year OP! After years of their demands and wants I have decided to be totally selfish.I am not doing christmas...at all ! I am sick to death of running round getting them what they want and believe me they come up with a list,not any list like a jumper from M and S or a hamper oh no their list is everything they want but would never buy themselves,In return we get a tin of biscuits..to share! Now I am not in it for return presents genuinely I am not but 100 .00bottles of perfume and a Nintendo switch at 300,00 well I aint having it no more! Neither am I driving 150 miles when they dont really want us but want the presents.We have to go to collect our tin of biscuits otherwise we wouldnt even get them,,,nah I have had enough,I am saving up to go on holiday and its tough but thats the way it is and the way its going to be!!! They can either like it or lump it.We see then twice a year they wont come here we have to trail there so I am chuffed off with it all,Its not the time or the money its the ungracious grabby behaviour and well everything!!!! It is quite liberating this being a bit selfish business I find.I may do more of it!!

@scally

WTF I would have told them to do one years ago.....what a nerve.

Sometimes it's not until you look back that you realise just how much emotional blackmail and selfish demands you've been exposed to. It's like the boiling frog thing. Xmas in this country seems untouchable, and most of us have been raised to celebrate it in the traditional way without ever daring to question it. Then, you get to middle age and can't believe how much time, money and effort you've spent in trying to make a bunch of ungrateful sods happy.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe a 300 Nintendo switch and a 100 bottle of perfume on a Christmas list is beyond cheeky. Hope you didn't get them that in return for a tin of biscuits.