My gut feelings are telling me something is up

[Perfectlypoised]

My partner of 18 months has a friend that he works with that I felt he was too close to. Each time I opened my social media he had either loved or commented on her posts . His comments while seemingly innocent were sometimes a little tongue in cheek. I knew by the way he spoke about her that he thought a little too fondly of her . I never met her. There was no opportunity to do so as we are cities away from each other. He was forever on his phone and I knew it was to her or their work group. I got pissed off with this and got shitty aboutit. I told him I was unhappy especially when he didn’t even acknowledge me on social media and hadni relationship status . His only posts which are rare are about his friends . It improved . He hardly interacts anymore .. it was usually him that startedthe interactions ,and when he does it’s just a simple love or like with no comment .he isn’t in his phone as much when with me but when apart he is constantly on Sm and WhatsApp .he does not mention her any more which is bothers me as I feel like he has gone underground with his friendship. There were feelings there on his part but he says they are gone since he met me . Is there something up?

He would not like me to post anything on my account about him on Sm so I don’t . He says he likes the Privacy.,
Sometimes I get anxious as I would like to move a bit faster but I feel like he is stalling . He is not ready to move in together yet for example and I am ready. Perhaps I am overthinking it

OP,

Why are you so obsessed with SM?

You can't make people love you. If you don't feel like his special person you probably aren't. Move your focus elsewhere and be open to meeting others who make you feel wanted and admired

You say you think he's very much into you but I'm not sure why you think that, he won't let anyone outside family know you are together, he likes his privacy on social media; ok but he posts on social media why would he not want a simple 'in a relationship' status and why gush all over her posts and merely acknowledge you, he doesn't want her knowing he's with you, she might be with someone else but he doesn't want people knowing he's taken.

Social media is the platform that we engage with most. I am 25 . Our communication Is nearly solely based on Sm in our groups . To be snubbed on those platforms can feel embarrassing and unloved at my age in our friendship circles especially when your partner doesn’t acknowledge you or respond in any meaningful ways to you .

OP, you are 25. Your relationship is not good. If this friend splits up with her DP, yours will be in there like a shot.
Move on now. The longer you stay, the bigger the hurt.

I’m sorry to keep harping on but I genuinely don’t get this social media obsession.

Your communication with your partner is almost solely based on social media? Do you not go out? Have dinner? Do an activity together? Do you both permanently sit on your phones?

I don’t mean to come across as harsh but I’m genuinely flummoxed by this.

Our communication Is nearly solely based on Sm in our groups

not much of a RL relationship then. what is this? Why do you refer to him as BF?

I am completely puzzled.

Me too PP

I mean in my age group not iin my relationship

Our communication Is nearly solely based on Sm in our groups

What does this even mean? Do you not see each other, or speak on text/whatsapp? If so, what is he like with you in real life, not some imaginary SM platform world?

It’s k. I would like to move in. He doesn’t want to .i feel like it’s a very separate part of our relationship that he doesn’t not acknowledge

It rings alarm bells that you have not met this ‘friend’. If he had nothing to hide he would want to introduce his lovely girlfriend to his nice female friend. And all get along together. Why don’t you suggest this? If he comes up with excuses that suggests he’s into her and wants to keep you separate
Yeah I can see how that’s off that he doesn’t acknowledge you in friendship SM groups etc

I wouldn't read too much into the social media thing tbh. My boyfriend (of eight months) and I are not friends on social media but we are committed. I have consciously decided I don't want to be his FB friend because of the potential for difficult entanglements and scrutiny -- I have just come out of a difficult divorce following a 10 year marriage and just don't want to display everything for the world to see.

I think an increasing number of people want to decouple their "real" life from their social media life.

That doesn't mean that there isn't something going on with this woman. I have no idea whether there is or not to be honest. But the fact that he's not your FB friend doesn't amount to anything.

I have suggested meeting but we genuinely live in diffetent cities . It’s not an option . Here again tonight , he is on WhatsApp all night long, loves her post on Sm, too tired to see me but is texting me this evening about spending some time together at the weekend . I’m browned off

So he is tired this evening so at home and texting you to see you at the weekend. That is perfectly normal behaviour.

This man is not your partner as has already been suggested. A partner implies commitment and it doesn’t feel that he is committed to you. You say he is into you, but after eighteen months, doesn’t want to live with you. I can’t quite grasp what your relationship is like but to me it doesn’t sound very promising. Someone else said to go with your gut feeling and from what you say, I really don’t think he is going to bring you happiness. I would be ending it because his behaviour won’t change and your personality is unable to cope with his interactions on SM. Jealousy and insecurity will make you endlessly miserable; you need a man who loves you and who makes it clear that he needs to be with you, only you.

Thanks . I probably am hung up on the social media aspect of it . It seems disrespectful .he is fantastic in other ways . He is more laid back about us than I .I have talked myself into thinking he is attracted to her and might want to be with her instead of me if the opportunity arises and that upsets me .

@FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely wanting a bit more attention from yr boyfriend than he gives to his female friends is not attention seeking.

@perfectlypoised he is avoidant. He is having online relationships which are ideal to an avoidant. They get to control the relationship by ignoring, distancing, not actually meeting, timing responses to lower yr expectation of a response. SM relationships suit avoidants down to the ground.

Hang on...
If he is behaving in a different way toward this woman than he does to you, surely that is cause for worry?

However,
OP, you are 18 months in. If you feel his attention is wandering, then let him go.