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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My gut feelings are telling me something is up

71 replies

Perfectlypoised · 17/09/2019 10:44

My partner of 18 months has a friend that he works with that I felt he was too close to. Each time I opened my social media he had either loved or commented on her posts . His comments while seemingly innocent were sometimes a little tongue in cheek. I knew by the way he spoke about her that he thought a little too fondly of her . I never met her. There was no opportunity to do so as we are cities away from each other. He was forever on his phone and I knew it was to her or their work group. I got pissed off with this and got shitty aboutit. I told him I was unhappy especially when he didn’t even acknowledge me on social media and hadni relationship status . His only posts which are rare are about his friends . It improved . He hardly interacts anymore .. it was usually him that startedthe interactions ,and when he does it’s just a simple love or like with no comment .he isn’t in his phone as much when with me but when apart he is constantly on Sm and WhatsApp .he does not mention her any more which is bothers me as I feel like he has gone underground with his friendship. There were feelings there on his part but he says they are gone since he met me . Is there something up?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 17/09/2019 12:33

I think he is in to me very much.

How can he be into you when he won't even acknowledge he is in a relationship with you on social media? Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like he really is into her but, as she is miles away, he is with you for now.

You deserve much more than this.

Original poster
Perfectlypoised · 17/09/2019 12:34

I respect that couples can be private on Sm but he seems to be private only about me. He interacts with all his friends and replies to being tagged in a series of conversations over and back but with me, he only likes my comment or types a boring blasé response if i tagged him about something I would like us to do or a shared love of music or a film. Almost like he brushes it off . You would not know that I was his friend at all. It’s hurtful then we he has such interaction with her and it certainly looks like there is double meaning sometimes .he says he isn’t into social media but has no problem interacting with all his friends

OP posts:
Fatshedra · 17/09/2019 12:39

Can't you find someone nicer?

Original poster
Perfectlypoised · 17/09/2019 12:41

It took me so long to find someone that wasn’t a narcissist I thought I had struck gold .

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/09/2019 12:44

Neither myself or my partner have our status set as in a relationship on SM. Wouldn't occur to me that this is a sign of how much someone thinks of you.

Daylily34 · 17/09/2019 12:44

OP , sadly I think you have answered your own question - unless he’s just very private about his romance and not ready to reveal to all and sundry yet.

Have you met his friends and family , are you part of his life ?

Original poster
Perfectlypoised · 17/09/2019 12:49

I am very much a part of his life. I spend
Lots of time with his family and friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perfectlypoised · 17/09/2019 12:51

See one another a couple of times per week

OP posts:
Millie2016 · 17/09/2019 12:51

OP this is exactly why I am not friends on social media with my DH. Because I don’t want someone scrutinising my interactions with other people and complaining that I only ‘like’ something they had written but ‘loved’ a comment by someone else.
I also don’t want other people observing the interaction between me and DH and making assumptions or judgements.
Let’s bring it back to your relationship with him. Is he kind to you in real life? Do you enjoy spending time with him? Do you see a future together?
Is his friendship with the colleague serious enough to you to want to separate? Do you feel like he is having an emotional affair?
From what you have said I don’t think his behaviour is unreasonable.

Swer987 · 17/09/2019 12:57

This is similar to my last relationship. My partner didnt share any pictures of me and removed the tags on any I’d share. He did have listed as in a relationship with me though.

He has lots of female friends but one in particular he’d talk to morning, noon and night. I asked him about it and he said I was imagining it. In the end we finished for a few reasons but this one was definitely in there.

I felt like our evening time together was spent as a 3, even though this woman lives 300 miles away and Id never met her. Even in our last couple of days, when discussing ending it he’d message her in the middle of me crying...

Go with your gut. Its no way to be in a relationship.

1forAll74 · 17/09/2019 12:57

You are upset,and suspicious. not a very good thing to be in a relationship.

Kitty1184 · 17/09/2019 12:58

You have a nice "real" life but not a nice social media life?

What's more important?

Kitty1184 · 17/09/2019 12:58

Sorry, posted too soon.

Have you had it out with him about this female friend and how it makes you uncomfortable?

31RueCambon75001 · 17/09/2019 12:58

Yeh, this type of man wants others to assume he's single as that leaves him with the option to upgrade if he gets that chance. Sorry.

You're not happy though, you want to be on the receiving end of a bit more attention! That doesn't make you attention-seeking so don't feel bad about that! If you're bothering to be together he should NOTICE you.

ShiftHappens · 17/09/2019 13:01

goodness, all this social media nonsense.

how old are you two? about 12? neither of you sounds mature enough for a serious relationship.

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 17/09/2019 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 17/09/2019 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindspot82 · 17/09/2019 13:10

I think you need to really listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. I would feel exactly the same. He's into this other woman, and he's playing it cool……..too cool to be committed to you. Move on. You deserve more than that.

Daylily34 · 17/09/2019 13:13

I don’t think it’s unreasobable after an 18 month relationship to want to meet your partners very close female friend . Normally we introduce partners to close friends - I know I got produced to my husbands best childhood friend and his family. I’d see how he reacts to that suggestion .

Boots20 · 17/09/2019 13:15

Always trust your gut

NameChangeNugget · 17/09/2019 13:28

Stop cyber stalking him and chill out. You’re going to drive the poor man away with your histrionics

loobyloo1234 · 17/09/2019 13:37

Neither myself or my partner have our status set as in a relationship on SM. Wouldn't occur to me that this is a sign of how much someone thinks of you.

This with bells on. MN is such a funny place. So scathing of social media but yet if you do not post your private life, relationship status etc on SM then are you even in a relationship type crap. FWIW OP, if you have a great relationship off of SM, start concentrating on that and worry less about how he treats you on bloody facebook

milliefiori · 17/09/2019 13:44

I'd look at it a different way. Imagine you didn't feel jealous and possessive. Is he attentive enough at the moment? Do you feel you can be open about your relationship in public, including on social media if you want to be? If so, he is making you happy and the relationship is working. If you feel his mind is elsewhere then it's not about taming and controlling him, it's about your decision as to whether this man is right for you. You are in control of your life and he's on control of his.

Original poster
Perfectlypoised · 17/09/2019 13:44

He knows how I feel and he has toned it down . I’m worried he has gone underground with his contact with her . To see the excitement in his eyes when he talked about her was enough to set
My senses alight .she isn’t even single .

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 17/09/2019 13:53

there are two problems here, one is your jealousy and controlling attitude, not letting him have a friend because of your insecurity especially as she lives in a different city.
The other point, and what has lead to the above is that it looks like he treats you very badly. He doesn't seem to have time for you, doesn't acknowledge you as a partner and doesn't make you happy.
I am not sure this relationship is worthsaving to be honest but if it can be, he needs to do more to reassure you and once he does you need to reign in the actions caused by your anxiety.