What are white lies in a relationship

[lgbba]

Struggling as to whether my anxiety is justified...
DP seems to have a different definition of a white lie to me, which would be fine if we hadn't been together 5 years and I thought they were the same.
I think white lie is something like I'm 10 mins away when you're 20.
He thinks not mentioning he's gone to the pub for an hour is a white lie if it's not under bad circumstances, ie with colleagues after work.
It's shocked me as I thought I knew where he went and it's thrown me into a state of wondering.

So what is a white lie to you and do you want to know where your DP goes?

I'm with you I think. White lies to me are saying you're nearly there when you are not really, saying that something cost 20 quid when it actually cost 40 etc etc, or me saying I'm coming home, but stopping off at another shop or something.

So if he doesn't mention that he has gone to the pub, where do you think he has gone?

I don't have to know exactly where my DH is all the time, but I generally just do, and he does me as well.

I think it's odd that he'd lie about it. Why would he do that? Would you have been cross if he'd told you the truth originally? My DH wouldn't lie about that, but he wouldn't need to. The only time I'd be cross is if I've asked him specifically to be home on time as I need him to take over all I can go out. Otherwise, just tell me you're going out and I'll say "I hope you have fun"

My white lies are usually when he's said "do x otherwise y will happen", I've been too lazy to do x, as predicted y had happened and I don't want him to be right. So I don't tell him!

A white lie to me is saying something like 'this meal is delicious, thank you', rather than 'this is horrible, I can't eat it' . I'm trying to be kind and avoid hurting his feelings.

Your Do not telling you he is in the pub sounds like he is frightened of telling the truth as you don't like him going to the pub... why wouldn't he tell you the facts? Would you react in a certain way?

Why would he need to mention he had been to the pub unless it was a regular thing or you were expecting him?

DH and I tend not to worry about things like that. I occasionally round down a price as DH worries about money even though we are comfortably off and I am a high earner.

His is more lying by omission than a white lie, surely? If he intentionally doesn't tell you. He may just deem it as a nothingness/not worth talking about I guess.

Not sure I told my DH about every lunch I went on with colleagues - he wouldn't be bothered though.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude Agree. Why would he need to mention it?

So it came up as DP said to me (and this was ages ago now) "just going straight home after work" then when I was like hmm where is he? I checked find friends (he usually picks me up so I check to know when to time my commute) and he was in the pub so I was like "you're in the pub?" When he knew I knew he didn't try lying but if I hadn't have seen or had asked I think he may have lied.
I think he would expect me to have an issue but I wouldn't have.
So it's more that he considers that a white lie but I find it a red flag.

I wouldn’t call either of those white lies and I can’t understand why, if you were 20 minutes away, you’d say 10. You’re not going to get there in 10 minutes so it’s just plain rude and annoying for the person waiting if you claim you will. Lying about going to the pub is also weird and not a sign of a healthy marriage.

A white lie is “You look lovely” when you only don’t like someone’s outfit but you can tell they’d be upset by that. Or “Sorry, I can’t work overtime on Saturday because I can’t get a babysitter” when in fact you’re just plain knackered and need a day off.

I agree that a white lie is when you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings and it’s usually tomdo with something trivial.

It’s a slippery slope when people start lying to avoid difficult conversations, etc. Speaking from personal experience, it can lead to a situation where there is complete distrust.

My ex husband used to not tell me stuff like this and I would find out he had been to different places than I thought he was, I would spot things on bank statements like a cafe 20 miles away etc.... it made me distrust him and for good reason as it turned out.
But your situation so far it just sounds like him calling for a sneaky pint? Are we talking... he’s been deliberately not been telling you and he’s doing it often or a one off?

When he knew I knew he didn't try lying but if I hadn't have seen or had asked I think he may have lied.
I think he would expect me to have an issue but I wouldn't have.
So it’s more that he considers that a white lie but I find it a red flag

I don’t think either of you are coming across particularly well, to be honest. He’s either lied to you about going straight home when he knew he was going to the pub, or he’s decided to nip in on the spur of the moment and you’ve concocted a scenario where he would have lied to you if you hadn’t already tracked his movements. Neither sounds great.

Why were you using find my friend to search for him. He wouldn't have to mention he went for a quick pint if you didn't find him.
Do you live together after 5 years, is he a regular drinker, he sounds like he needed a small bit if time out to be himself.
Maybe I'm wrong it seems OTT after your update, quiet strange technology is a blessing and a curse.

Is he an ex alcoholic.

A white lie is something trivial or relatively harmless and told to prevent hurting someones feelings - your hair looks lovely, your baking is fine etc.

My ex was very concerned about his looks and weight and needed lots of reassurance. I told white lies.

Lying by omission seems to me to be avoidance behaviour and more deceitful - yes, if our child fell off a climbing frame and was briefly unconscious then I should be told even if you feel guilty as you were on your phone and not paying attention.

I don’t think there’s any such thing as a white lie. I think I lie is a lie and creates distrust in all circumstances. I’m not saying I haven’t done it or my husband hasn’t done it - we’re not perfect - but we both know it’s still wrong and try not to. Any lie says, I’m doing something I know you’ll not approve of or is wrong.

Is there any circumstance where he feels he needs to? Like, do you think he feels he can’t do something as normal as go for a drink after work? My husband would often check with me if that’s ok and I’ll generally always be ok with it, but if I’m not then it’d be rare and he knows that’s ok cos I’d never normally be not ok with it. Just trying to work out the reason he thinks he needs to lie at all? I think he’d feel freer just telling the truth about these silly things like how long it’ll take him to get home. And you’ll feel better because you know you can trust him all the time. Why lie about how long it’ll take him to get home? That one would drive me mad!!!

If someone lies about little things then it makes the other person feel they can’t trust them. I’d be asking why it’s ok to lie at all.

My husband and I had real trust issue when we first got together and in early marriage (not because of each other but mainly due to my childhood experiences) but we worked on it and it’s better now, if that’s any consolation.

How was he going to pick you up if he'd been drinking?

White lies are when I tell DP I was too busy to do the dishes when in fact I'm just a lazy arse and was watching the TV.

I suppose not telling you he was at the pub isn't so much a lie as an omission. But if you asked where he was and he didn't tell you, then that's definitely a lie and not a white one. I don't need to know where DP is all the time, but I don't think it's acceptable to lie to me if I ask.

Lying about how long you're going to be is very rude, so it's not a white lie.

Failing to mention that you've popped to the pub isn't a lie as such. I don't always tell DH everything I've done during the day, and I wouldn't necessarily expect him to do so either. However, if he lied and said he hadn't been to the pub, that's not a white lie.

A white lie to me is “your hair looks great” when it’s a bit of a shit cut. Or “no one noticed” when someone trips up dramatically in public.

I wouldn’t lie about being 10 mins away or overspending. To me a white lie is one which is to save others feelings not your own skin.

A white lie is for a good reason. I.e to make someone feel better - "you're NOT fat!"

Not to get yourself out of trouble.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I think neither of you come off well. White lies are inconsequential and usually to save feelings or ease.

Lying about how much has been spent, how long you're going to be etc aren't white lies.

I wouldn't expect DH to tell me if he calls in somewhere after work as long as he is home by tea time and it doesn't affect shared arrangements. Sometimes I pick the dog up from the dog sitter and go for a walk in the big park on the way home and have a coffee. I don't mention it to DH unless it comes up or something funny happened I wanted to share.

White lies&all the other colours 😉are what people have to resort to to co-habit long term...look at this site&ask wtf is the point in 2019..live free&single with the occasional dalliance..no relationship is worth the compromise.

I miss out loads of detail about where I’ve been. My mum really micromanaged me and monitored my every breath, I was controlled and restricted hugely. I was also brought up in a restrictive repressive religion.
So now I relish the sense of freedom i get from not having to “report back” or account for myself.
I don’t believe I do it in any areas that matter. I’m faithful and committed in my marriage. My DH knows and understands this.

So your husband could be similar for whatever reasons.

Sorry that was long, I’m just trying to say that there are reasons other than deception that people are not open.

I think I'd have been more concerned about why was he worried about telling you. He thought you'd have an issue. Has a something happened in the past that means he's worried about your reaction?