What are white lies in a relationship

[lgbba]

Struggling as to whether my anxiety is justified...
DP seems to have a different definition of a white lie to me, which would be fine if we hadn't been together 5 years and I thought they were the same.
I think white lie is something like I'm 10 mins away when you're 20.
He thinks not mentioning he's gone to the pub for an hour is a white lie if it's not under bad circumstances, ie with colleagues after work.
It's shocked me as I thought I knew where he went and it's thrown me into a state of wondering.

So what is a white lie to you and do you want to know where your DP goes?

White lies are what you tell, big lies are what he or MIL tell.
That's applying MN philosophy to the question!

Ohyesiam
"I miss out loads of detail about where I’ve been."

I'm exactly the same. I was brought up in an abusive, controlling household. I hate being asked what my plans are. I live to decide what I'm doing based on my energy levels etc.

If no one is needing me to be home, i don't know where I'll be.

" OP", do you have anxiety, is it making you controlling?

Do you have opinions on what your DH should be doing?

I used to lie to my DH when we were first together, because my parents lied to each other. I thought that's what you did. It took a lot of patience on his part to help me get an idea of what a healthy relationship looked like.

A white lie is for a good reason. I.e to make someone feel better - "you're NOT fat!"

Not to get yourself out of trouble.

This! I can't believe so many people are giving examples like lying about how much you spent, or not bothering with chores.

So he said he was going straight home after work, a colleague may have asked him to go for one drink, he agreed, you looked up where he was and then he agreed when you mentioned it?

I'd be taking the app off of my phone if I was him.

So it came up as DP said to me (and this was ages ago now) "just going straight home after work" then when I was like hmm where is he? I checked find friends (he usually picks me up so I check to know when to time my commute) and he was in the pub so I was like "you're in the pub?" When he knew I knew he didn't try lying but if I hadn't have seen or had asked I think he may have lied.

I would just think he decided to go to the pub after saying he was going home

To me a white lie is something to make the other person feel better or smooth things over that dont matter. Eg I'm shit at timekeeping so sometimes I'll tell partner I'm late home because a meeting overran rather than just admit I'm late home because I didnt look at the clock as that makes me sound like an idiot. Which makes me feel less stupid and him be less annoyed. Or telling him something is delicious that he has spent ages cooking even though it's ok. Or telling my kids there are no biscuits left rather than there is only one and I'm waiting for them to go to bed so I can eat it.

Lying about where he is wound worry me, to me it's actually quite a big thing and I'd want to understand why. What would your reaction have been if he had told you he was at the pub? Did you have other plans and he was letting you down or was he supposed to be doing something else that meant you had to step up at that time?

Also its just a bit rude if he normally finishes work at a certain time, to tell you he will be straight home and then not turning up then. If someone just pops to the pub for an hour and doesnt mention it when they were meant to be home...you're going to be wondering where they are for the hour if you dont hear from them.

I would think a white lie is. Saying I had a salad for lunch but actually had a burger and I'm on a diet.

Or saying I will be home in 10 minutes but actually more like 20. Nothing bigger than that

The only version of a 'white lie' I'd be OK with would be ' Oh no dear, your bum definitely does NOT look big' :)

I'd lie in this context to save my loved ones from needless upset or to help boost their feelings and make them feel good.

Any other type of lie I would find wholly unnecessary and would damage my trust in them.

I’m just trying to say that there are reasons other than deception that people are not open.
I agree.
Then again I find someone the contact expectations (messages / calls), checking in on updates for plans and generally keeping tabs on partners that's apparently the norm on MN to be massive red flags and I would find them really suffocating.

I'm sure my DH could write a thread, swap the sexes (to avoid usual double standards) and get told to LTB. I'm sure if I wrote a post about his movements I'd get told the same

10 mins away not 20, not a white lie, dress cost less than it did, not a white lie. If the lie is to save yourself aggro it is not a white lie.
A white lie is to be kind and not hurt someones feelings as many posters have put. Getting yourself out od trouble is not that

I don't understand this - he didn't lie to you about the pub, he just didn't mention it proactively. And it did't affect you in any way? If he was late to pick you up and told you it was because of traffic when he was actually in the pub, then that's a lie (not a w white lie) and not okay. But I'm struggling to see why he has to tell you he popped into the pub.

Having said that, AFTER he'd popped in, I'd be surprised if he didn't mention it. It's the kind of thing me or DH would mention to each other - we certainly don't fill each other in on everything but something like popping into the pub owould probably come up in a brief recap of the day:
"How was your day?"
"Good, bit stressful but popped into the pub before coming home and saw Dave which was nice."

People who say they are 10 minutes away when they're 20 minutes away are my absolute pet peeve. I think it's rude and annoying and people who do it to me on a regular basis generally discover that aren't my friends after a while. If you're late, just own it.

I think him saying he was coming straight home after work and then going to the pub is fine. It could easily have been a 'do you fancy a quick pint' as he was literally leaving the building BUT if he knows you are prone to anxiety then he should have sent you a quick text letting you know he'd be a bit late - just to stop you worrying. It would have been a lie if he'd denied being there and you'd found him out.

I wouldn’t call either of those white lies and I can’t understand why, if you were 20 minutes away, you’d say 10. You’re not going to get there in 10 minutes so it’s just plain rude and annoying for the person waiting if you claim you will. Lying about going to the pub is also weird and not a sign of a healthy marriage.

This! Neither of your examples is a white lie. Yours is just straightforward lying, his is omission.

A white lie is a lie which is kind to someone - "You look lovely in that" or "Your cakes are delicious." That's why it's 'white.'

This is interesting.
I don't lie as a rule. I'm not trying to sound priggish, but generlaly, why would I lie to my dh?
I don't always give him a blow by blow account of stuff. He doesn't need to know all the details of my day, but at the same time, I wouldn't say I had been somewhere when I hadn't.

I think the only things I would lie about is stuff like - no you're not fat, you look lovely etc. But even then I might say - you know what, the other shirt looks nicer, it really suits you, rather than say what they are wearing looks nice.

I find that your life with someone you love is filled with lots of moments of trying to keep the other one out, a bit sad.

But then dh and I don't live in each other's pockets either, and there is a huge amount of freedom and trust in the way we relate.

I don't think your partner has even lied there OP?!

Like others have said, it may be that he was asked/decided to go to the pub after he'd spoken to you.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to update you on where he is all the time. You said he picks you up, so if you were waiting for him then that's not on, but otherwise I can't see that he's done anything wrong at all here.