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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband hiding empty alcohol cans

31 replies

CharlieSon · 16/09/2019 17:21

Just that really. Insists there is no drinking problem but I regularly find empty beer cans and bottles under the bed, in cupboards, behind tv unit etc. He goes to bed much later than me as works shifts. It has been an issue for years but thought it was over for a while. Our first baby is due in a few weeks and I found stashes of empties (new ones) today. I want to throw him out - AIBU?

OP posts:
missbattenburg · 16/09/2019 17:22

No one with a healthy relationship with alcohol goes to the effort of hiding empties all over the house.

Only you know if you can live with someone with that level of problem.

Singlebutmarried · 16/09/2019 17:23

Bag them up and hand them to him.

Ask him what he thinks he’s playing at.

I’d consider asking him to leave.

Apolloanddaphne · 16/09/2019 17:24

Have you asked him why he feels the need to hide them if he doesn't think he has a problem?

Original poster
CharlieSon · 16/09/2019 17:27

He said he doesn’t know why he does it but maybe that he is too lazy to take them to the bin. He only ever drinks in secret once I’ve gone to bed. I can’t believe he would do this when our baby is due so soon, I would have to drive myself to hospital. The secrecy concerns me.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/09/2019 17:31

If he was too lazy to put them in the bin then he wouldn’t go to the trouble of hiding them.
He’s waiting until you go to bed to drink and then trying to hide how much he’s drinking. That suggests a problem with alcohol.
I suggest you find someone else to drive you. Really wouldn’t try driving when in full blown labour.

Apolloanddaphne · 16/09/2019 17:31

Drinking in secret and hiding the evidence is not good. Do you have any idea how many cans he drinks at one time and how regularly?

Tiredmum100 · 16/09/2019 17:41

My dad does this. He's done it for years and years. He hides empty bottles, fills up bottles with cheap alternatives once he's drunk the contents for what ever he's got his hands on. Drinks presents I've bought (gin for my mum for mothers day). Until they admit they have a problem I feel like nothing we say or do will change things. Its heart breaking to see someone destroying themselves. All you can do is talk to him and try and get him to see sense/seek support.

22Giraffes · 16/09/2019 17:47

@Tiredmum100 my dad was the same. I say was because eventually it killed him. We cleared out hundreds of empty cans after he'd died. No amount of begging/ nagging/ explaining will work, addicts are selfish and won't change unless they want to.

OP please do what's best for you, and don't let him make out it's not a big deal. Flowers

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 16/09/2019 17:51

It's only a problem if he drinks too much. How much does he drink?

HighNetGirth · 16/09/2019 18:13

It may not be about hiding it from you, primarily, although that must be part of it. It may mean he can’t face how much he is drinking and how much he needs to drink. In which case, he is quite clearly mired in problem drinking.

That is a very difficult thing to have going on with a newborn in the house. Think seriously about whether you want to have him at home or whether a separation, even if temporary, would be better.

It is bloody awful and I feel for you.

WillLokireturn · 16/09/2019 18:19

He's an alcoholic. Hiding empties and drinking in secret is a flag for alcohol dependency. Get the empties out give them to him and talk openly as he has a problem.

VivienScott · 16/09/2019 18:25

My ex did this. He even went to the trouble of re-filling bottles of spirits with water so I wouldn’t think he’d drink them. He’s an alcoholic, they come in all shapes and sizes, many of them are functioning. He’s either got to admit he has and deal with his problem or you should leave him. You can’t stay with someone who values their relationship with alcohol over their relationship with you. Staying with an alcoholic is horrible and damaging and neither you nor your baby deserve it.

Span1elsRock · 16/09/2019 18:28

He's an alcoholic, that's why. And of course he isn't going to admit it.

Get yourself out now while you can protect yourself and your little one.

You can't cure, control or cure him. Only he can do that.

pointythings · 16/09/2019 19:06

Secret drinking and hiding empties is a very bad sign. He clearly has a serious alcohol problem. He may be functioning now, but that won't last.

Go and get some help for yourself from a support group - Al-Anon runs groups for relatives of alcoholics, and other support groups may also run in your area (I go to one in my area).

You need to learn about setting boundaries and making decisions about what you want your life to be. Once you are in control of your own life, you can then decide what you can and cannot live with.

You can't change your DH, he has to do that himself if he wants to - but you can change your responses to what he's doing.

A warning: It's unlikely to end well. There are alcoholics who find recovery (my Dsis' partner is one) but they are a minority. My late H never found sobriety.

wibs77 · 16/09/2019 19:24

This sounds like my dh. He has recently admitted being an alcoholic and is going to aa but is struggling to stay sober. He only drinks when I am in bed at home. I have a 1 year old and I wont let him drive if hes been drinking. I cant tell you whether to chuck him out. You could go to an al-anon group for family and friends of alcoholics or ring one of the many other helplines and talk it through with someone. I do wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

Tiredmum100 · 16/09/2019 20:40

@22Giraffes sorry for your loss. It's very hard to watch. I don't talk about it much in real life.

22Giraffes · 16/09/2019 20:55

@Tiredmum100 thank you, can't believe it's been 4 years this week. You are right it is awful to watch. It is hard to talk about because there are so many emotions attached to it, I remember being really angry with him but feeling like I couldn't express that because it would make me look like a bad person. I hope you do have people you can talk to if/when you want to. Sending lots of strength and hope for you and your family.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/09/2019 20:59

I'm a very long time sober alcoholic and what you describe is classic alcoholic behaviour. Your DH is in deep shit and I'd be taking it very seriously.

Drum2018 · 16/09/2019 21:08

He's an alcoholic. Unless he admits it there's feck all anyone can do to help him. If there is any way of breaking free now, do it. I grew up with an alcoholic father and it isn't pleasant. Think of your child and the life you want for them - an alcoholic father is no use to your baby. I'd tell his family and your family, as you need support. He won't be in a position to help mind a baby if he is craving a drink in the evenings, or already drunk.

marinova · 16/09/2019 21:29

I used to do this, hide empties and refill bottles to make if look as though it hadn't drunk as much. I was an alcoholic, but wouldn't listen to anyones concerns. Luckily I finally saw the light and got help. Ive been sober for a year now. Unfortunately unless someone isnt ready to help themselves you cant help them:(

Neverender · 16/09/2019 21:31

He's lying to himself

Neverender · 16/09/2019 21:35

And it's not secrecy, it's hiding the truth, so lying.

Original poster
CharlieSon · 16/09/2019 21:37

His family know as it’s come up so many times before. They just think “he’s being silly and lazy”. I don’t get anywhere with his family so I’m on my own with this one. I think he needs to go, his behaviour is beyond unacceptable.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 16/09/2019 21:40

He has a drink problem. There is nothing you can do to help him if he doesn't want to be helped. All you can do is protect yourself.

Almost certainly this is going to be very difficult but I would get out now before the baby is born. He will certainly get worse with the stress of a new baby and having an alcoholic for a father or husband is a life sentence. It's just possible that this may shock him into dealing with it and getting help but you can't count on this -- you have to assume he won't. Either way, you're a million times better leaving.

I wrestled with this for four years after my daughter was born, spent ages trying to cajole and beg my husband to stop or at least cut down. It's no way to live.

Cut your losses and get out. It is literally the best thing I have ever done. Life without this shit will be a million times better.

BrigidSt · 16/09/2019 21:45

Tell your midwife. They will understand and support you. Assume he can't drive you anywhere, ever, that he isn't sober, ever. Don't rely on him. Protect yourself and your baby. Now is an easier time to do something than once baby comes home.