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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with or without partners family

77 replies

Moanmona · 16/09/2019 12:32

My partner and I are getting married in 4 weeks, we are having a very small wedding. I am 20 weeks pregnant which was a surprise for us but we are both happy. I am 5 years older than my partner and when we met he was introduced to me as an orphan (inside joke with bf) I told him that he was therefore my perfect man as I don’t really like people much. He kept quiet on the 3 step parents and 4 siblings, 8 nieces and nephews etc etc. I have barely met these people and do not want them at our wedding, my parents and best friend are coming as are 4 of his friends and work mates then we meet another dozen at restaurant for a party. AIBU to not want his family who we don’t often see changing the whole dynamic of our day?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/09/2019 16:18

As an actual orphan, this seems in really poor taste.

He's not orphaned. He has loads of family who he appears to have pushed aside because he knows you would rather he didn't have any. It's his choice if they come to your wedding but I suspect as he already knows your view, he won't invite them.

You're saving up some massive issues for down the line, I suspect. If his parents get sick, if they want to see their grandchild often, what will you do then? Make him choose?

I don't love other people's families because I never feel like I fit in, like I know how to behave. I don't like getting presents because it's alien to me. I'd love to have a family.

MrsDimmond · 16/09/2019 16:19

Why did you ask OP?

Original poster
Moanmona · 16/09/2019 16:26

I asked because I have friends who are shocked that I am doing this. Apparently I am Unreasonable. Fair enough

OP posts:
ShiftHappens · 16/09/2019 16:29

It is not a union of 2 families it is about do and I making a family for our baby

how come your family is invited then? Confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2019 16:32

If it’s not your decision but a joint one then you’re not unreasonable at all.

Have you actually planned it all yet? You need to give notice to the registry office more than 4 weeks in advance. I think it was 42 days when we did it a few years ago.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 16/09/2019 16:37

I’m so pleased I don’t know people like you in real life. Yes YABU. It’s his wedding as well. I suspect he’s telling you what you want to hear. Invite his family or leave yours out also.

Chloemol · 16/09/2019 16:55

If you are controlling over the rest of the relationship as you are over the wedding then i Wouldn’t bother spending money on getting married as I doubt the marriage will last long

You know his family WILL be your babies family, although I assume from the tone of your post you won’t allow his family to have anything to do with it

Unknownanon · 16/09/2019 17:01

I think you need to give him the choice. You woukd be selfish to dictate. So ask him openly, 'do you want them there' and tell him either way you are happy.

If he changes his mind then you know ywbu and pressuring him to go with what you want. If he doesn't then yanbu to have the wedding you both want.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2019 17:29

that I am doing this so it is you making the decision to exclude his family then

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 17:44

All about what you want isn't it?
Does he not think his parents will be upset when they find out you excluded them? Are you intending to allow them to see their grandchild?

Durgasarrow · 16/09/2019 17:55

Why are you asking?

Purpleartichoke · 16/09/2019 18:24

Just think forward to Christmas dinner in 2025. You will always be the DIL who didn’t invite them to the wedding. Is that the kind of relationship you want.

rededucator · 16/09/2019 18:58

For someone apparently getting married in 2 weeks you don't seem to know the wedding plans. First there's 4 people each going to wedding and now it's probably only 1? In two weeks?

rededucator · 16/09/2019 18:58

*4 weeks but even though!

LorelaiRoryEmily · 16/09/2019 20:27

How does he have 3 step parents? And you are being very selfish imo

TriciaH87 · 16/09/2019 20:48

It's his day too so it should be a joint decision

MrsDimmond · 16/09/2019 20:48

LorelaiRoryEmily my sil had 3 step praents at her & db's wedding.

Her father had been martied 3 times. First her mum, then step mum who sil was close to so wanted at the wedding (she's mother of her 2 "1/2" siblings,) they later got divorced and her df married his current wife who was invited.

Sil's dm had remarried so her step father was there making the 3 step parents Grin

user1493494961 · 16/09/2019 21:08

It won't last.

Original poster
Moanmona · 16/09/2019 21:19

His parents were never married to each other but had 3 other marriages between them. The wedding is in a registry office, booked already and we can decide how many people to have there at any time as it’s only the basic ceremony so doubt people would bother missing that as long as they are at the meal afterwards and might make it easier to not have more family there.

OP posts:
MrsDimmond · 16/09/2019 21:46

What invitations have you sent and what do your DP's family know about your plans?

Inviting "work mates" but not DP's family would seem to be makng real statement.

You say it's about creating a family for your baby, but you are excluding every member of your DC's paternal family

Elieza · 16/09/2019 21:55

I understand what you mean about not knowing them and not wanting strangers at your wedding but they will be your family too once you tie the knot. It’s traditional to meet for dinner before the wedding in some communities. That would be a good opportunity to meet them first? Even just for a cuppa? A couple of weeks or days prior? Then they won’t have to be strangers?

It would be hurtful if your dp to agree to your family being at the wedding but not his. They will see the photos. They will find out. They will be hurt. And they may actually be lovely people whom you will be happy to leave your child with. Let’s face it, once you have children your dp is bound to take them to his parents etc. Would you want a bunch of strangers (you didn’t invite to the wedding who now dislike you because they were excluded) looking after the dc, no you wouldn’t, so meet them and try and enjoy your (as in both of your) special day when it comes.

Either both sides should come or neither. Young kids could be excluded if you don’t want screaming holy terrors galloping around.

brittabot · 16/09/2019 22:08

Who does he want there? I think YABU as you are happy to have your family there but aren’t bothered about his.

They will be your child’s family - hopefully you will want them to be involved.

Thehop · 16/09/2019 22:13

Your fiancé had to lie about having a family because you wanted someone without any?

But yours can go to the wedding and about 20 others?

I really think you should rethink this, it’s awfully cruel, and comes across as quite selfish. I think you may regret forcing him to cut them out.

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 22:45

"doubt people would bother missing that as long as they are at the meal afterwards and might make it easier to not have more family there"

But that's the actual marriage bit! Family would definitely want to see that. You're just trying to make excuses for your weird behaviour.

Cauliflowerpower · 16/09/2019 23:32

Look if husband to be says its ok then it's ok..... I agree and think this is weird and controlling but it's not my life. Hth

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