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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with or without partners family

77 replies

Moanmona · 16/09/2019 12:32

My partner and I are getting married in 4 weeks, we are having a very small wedding. I am 20 weeks pregnant which was a surprise for us but we are both happy. I am 5 years older than my partner and when we met he was introduced to me as an orphan (inside joke with bf) I told him that he was therefore my perfect man as I don’t really like people much. He kept quiet on the 3 step parents and 4 siblings, 8 nieces and nephews etc etc. I have barely met these people and do not want them at our wedding, my parents and best friend are coming as are 4 of his friends and work mates then we meet another dozen at restaurant for a party. AIBU to not want his family who we don’t often see changing the whole dynamic of our day?

OP posts:
Original poster
Moanmona · 16/09/2019 13:56

My bf knows me very well and we have always joked that I would only marry somebody who had dropped from space as they would have no family for me to have to get to know. DP heard about this and so perhaps he didn’t tell quite how large his family was - initially to get to know each other and then it became more difficult for him. We are happy as a couple

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 16/09/2019 14:02

You sound awful, controlling, possessive and selfish. He felt he had to keep his family from you do you not realise how awful that is??

You’ve caused a rift between him and his family. I wish I knew I’d be telling him to run very far away

BackforGood · 16/09/2019 14:13

In the unlikely event this is actually real, YABVVVVVVVVU.

Also selfish, controlling, rude, and possessive.

AJoeySpecial · 16/09/2019 14:15

He’s the one that’s awful, controlling and rude. He lied to her to get her in a relationship with him.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/09/2019 14:15

So elope. Don't have any family there, just a friend each as witnesses.

Instead you're trying to isolate him from what famy he has left because it suits you to not have to both with them.

He shouldn't have lied but you're veing abusive and controlling

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/09/2019 14:20

Not having his siblings at his wedding seems particularly awful. You haven’t said they are estranged. Just not that close. You do sound very possessive. I think you are very very unreasonable. And potentially quite harmful to your partner in the long run.

Peanutbutterforever · 16/09/2019 14:26

Hang on, (assuming this is real), if HE isn't fussed about inviting them, surely it's not the OP's job to try to get them invited?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 16/09/2019 15:02

That's really not normal behaviour op why is you're family ok but his isn't.

Purpleartichoke · 16/09/2019 15:07

Invites need to be symmetrical. So parents on both sides. Siblings on both sides. Cousins on both sides. You draw the cutoff in the same place in each family.

If you don’t want his parents or siblings at the wedding, your should not attend either.

Teddybear45 · 16/09/2019 15:14

Invites should be fair. If his family isn’t invited then yours shouldn’t be either.

Teenangels · 16/09/2019 15:23

Let’s get this straight, you only want the people you want at your wedding, it’s simple un invite your parents and only have friends there.
I think your partner should run for the hills, you seem entitled, rude, and selfish

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 15:24

You sound really odd. You expect him to take on your family but don't want to take on his to the extent that he felt he had to hide the fact he has family from you 🙄

MrsDimmond · 16/09/2019 15:32

Your posts suggest that since being with you, your dp has had even less contact than before with his siblings.

Have you discussed what sort of contact he wants, not just for the wedding but in life?

Because if he genuinely doesn't want his family at the wedding then there isn't a problem. But it sounds as if he has chosen to accommodate your (apparently, very well documented) reticence to socialise above all else. And that doesn't sound fair or healthy.

proseccoaficionado · 16/09/2019 15:40

Oh dear God. You're awful and controlling. I do hope he runs for the hills

Ayemama · 16/09/2019 15:45

These people will be your babies family too so I suggest you start getting to know them.
It would be a terrible shame to deprive your child of a relationship with its fathers family just because 'you don't like people' and not inviting them to their sons wedding is a huge thing to try and get over.

Confusedbeetle · 16/09/2019 15:48

Blimey what a load of abuse! No one said he wants his family there, you all assumed!

whiteroseredrose · 16/09/2019 15:48

YANBU. He pretended not to have family so he's obviously not that fussed. If he really wants them to go he'll tell you and you can rethink. If he's not bothered then I don't see why you should be.

Goodlookingcreature · 16/09/2019 15:48

I think the best thing to do is not invite your family either

Sunshine93 · 16/09/2019 15:51

He decides not you

RasberryRoyale · 16/09/2019 15:54

Yabu.

I’m not a huge fan of my in laws but I wanted them there for my Husband. And we had a small wedding too.

If you don’t like people, why not elope?

DiBPD1979 · 16/09/2019 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yousicktwistedfruit · 16/09/2019 16:04

YABU his family have as much right to be there as yours do. Me and my fiancé are getting married in 5 weeks and his family aren’t invited but that is because I have had nothing but abuse from them for the last I’ve had my personal business put all over Facebook to be read by everyone and they are demanding that we cancel the wedding because they are that against it. If we got along they would be invited but I’m not sharing our day with people who think I’m beneath their son and not good enough to be part of the family because I don’t work due to being ill.

Gazelda · 16/09/2019 16:10

What a shame not to take this opportunity to get to know his siblings and nieces/nephews better. The various step parents might be more understandable (depending how long they've been in the family)

It's 100% up to him, but I hope he isn't just saying it because you've made it clear how you feel about his relatives.

Original poster
Moanmona · 16/09/2019 16:13

Thanks Confusedbeetle, he really is not bothered and I want an intimate day with people who are important to both of us. The actual ceremony will be very short and perhaps we will only have 1 person each for that and then a small meal afterwards. Hopefully once the baby is born we can have a party for everybody that will be less centred on us.

OP posts:
ButterflyOne1 · 16/09/2019 16:18

You sound utterly awful!! Of course he's saying he's not bothered, he doesn't want to upset his irrational and unreasonable mother of his child.

Does he have a relationship with his family? If he sees/speaks to them on any level then by not inviting them, you are getting exactly what you want and losing that side of the family.

Think how you would feel if your baby in the future decided not to invite you to their wedding.

Very very selfish!!

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