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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lads holiday

35 replies

Kate8790 · 16/09/2019 10:20

My partner is away on a lads holiday, it's the first time I've experienced a partner going away on this kind of holiday (bh mallorca , magaluf) . He's been gone for 5 days now, there has been a serious lack of communication from him and when he does get in touch it's like I'm talking to a completely different person. He sent videos of "what's going on around him " which consisted of a lot of women in bikinis, which I found completely unnecessary and quite upsetting. He then films a live erotic show and put it on Facebook, which I reported to Facebook. I told him I found it humiliating but he hasn't removed this video and Facebook hasn't removed it yet either. He's 36 and we have a 1 year old, he also has children with his ex who he has full custody of. AIBU to think that this kind of holiday and behaviour should have been left behind long ago? He's usually a fantastic partner and we do everything for each other but the person he's become on this holiday is someone that I don't recognize and I'm giving serious thought into ending our relationship because I know he will do this again. He's away with a much older man in a relationship this time but the next holiday he's planning is with a younger single friend and I imagine it will be much worse.

OP posts:

omikron · 16/09/2019 10:23

He then films a live erotic show and put it on Facebook,

This would piss me off.

I wouldn't like the lack of communication either, my husband used to be really bad but no he understands how upset it makes me he's a lot better.

I also don't understand the need for lad's holidays, apart from Stags, passed the age of about 25. Especially when the 'lads' have children and responsibilities.

burnttoastandjam · 16/09/2019 10:24

What exactly are your concerns? If this isn't his usual behaviour then I wouldn't worry. Whilst it isn't my cup of tea, he gets to decide what to do.

I wouldn't keep contacting him though. I would leave that up to him.

PrincessPain · 16/09/2019 10:27

I find my DH has more "banter" and becomes a bit of an arsehole in the company of immature friends.
With me and our boys he's loving, kind, generous, generally quite wonderful and a family man.

Last week his brother came round for a bit and they got onto the subject of shagging the queen, their words. How you'd have to do it because it's the queen.
It was quite disrespectful to both me, and tbh, the queen.
When his brother left we spoke about it, it was "a joke", a distasteful joke that I didn't appreciate.
If hes normally pretty lovely I'd take it with a pinch of salt as they're all probably bouncing off each other.
If you're worried he may do more than just being a bit of an immature knob, that's a different matter.

omikron · 16/09/2019 10:32

I will never cease to be amazed at the shit women put up with and see it as normal.

Sarahjconnor · 16/09/2019 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frangible · 16/09/2019 10:44

I will never cease to be amazed at the shit women put up with and see it as normal.

This, but of course it's only some women;s normal. This is not my normal.

nonmerci · 16/09/2019 10:49

Sorry but he sounds like a jerk. My DH went on these type of holidays when he was in his late teens, I think that’s the sort of age range they are aimed at. Your DP needs to grow the fuck up.

omikron · 16/09/2019 10:50

*I will never cease to be amazed at the shit women put up with and see it as normal.

This, but of course it's only some women;s normal. This is not my normal.*

I should have said; I will never cease to be amazed at the shit a lot of women put up with and see it as normal.

dollydaydream114 · 16/09/2019 10:55

I'd have absolutely no problem with my DP going away with his mates, but then he isn't really the type that does 'banter' and 'lads' nights'.

Presumably you knew he was the type who would go to an 'erotic' show when you met him, though? I mean, you must have known he was a bit of a lad?

Putting the video on Facebook is grim and unnecessary, though, and you have every right to be upset about that, particularly if your friends/family are going to see it as well.

When you say he is sending you videos full of women in bikinis, that's hard to judge. I mean, he's in Magaluf: there are going to be women in bikinis there on the beach etc. Is he deliberately sending you videos specifically of only scantily clad women to piss you off, or is he just sending you a video of where he is and everyone around him is in swimwear because that's what you'd expect in Magaluf?

I mean, he sounds awful to me but I can't believe you didn't realise he was into this stuff when you met him. If he has full custody of his kids that aren't yours, who's got them at the moment? You, or their mum?

Original poster

Kate8790 · 16/09/2019 10:56

He says he has been going on these holidays since his teens and he apparently needs them. He lived abroad as a dj for 6 years when he was younger and needs to go back for the music and the atmosphere. He's left his children with their mother for 2 weeks, she only usually has them 2 nights a week by choice.

OP posts:

Ringdonna · 16/09/2019 10:57

You sound a bit jealous.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/09/2019 10:57

Not the point of the thread but I am now wondering how @PrincessPain dp imagines one should shag the queen.?

TixieLix · 16/09/2019 10:57

I thought you were going to say he was very young, or away on a stag. To be behaving like this when you're 36 is a bit poor. I hope you aren't the default carer for his children while he goes away on his jaunts OP? He sounds like a jerk to be honest. What's he like generally when not on these holidays?

FrauHaribo · 16/09/2019 11:02

The lack of communication is not on. Being on holiday has never stopped anyone to stay in touch.

You don't like his behaviour? Well, it's your personal opinion, no one else can judge. If you feel it's unacceptable, have an adult discussion and tell him when he's back and go from there. No one should be forced to change to please their partners, so its up to him what he decides.

Who is looking after his DC whilst he is on this bender? I wouldn't put up with it for a minute
There's always one.
Their mothers? Where on this thread did you see that he refuses point blank to look after his DC whist their mum takes time off?

EKGEMS · 16/09/2019 11:04

Ringdonna No,she doesn't at all

PrincessPain · 16/09/2019 11:05

@sweeneytoddsrazor

He says with his eyes closed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

Kate8790 · 16/09/2019 11:06

When he's not on these holidays he's great, really attentive and couldn't complain about anything. He told me about his lads holidays in the past but I never thought he'd actually go on one now. Before he went he promised he would communicate, keep me in the loop, and not do anything to upset me but in reality he's just done the opposite. Of course I'm jealous, I care about this person and I feel like I'm at my wits end.

OP posts:

Ionlymakegirls · 16/09/2019 11:06

In my relationship, it is the opposite, I still go on girls holidays, I did a week in Gran caneria last year, and this year I am going to Amsterdam for a long weekend. I work full time, I am a wife and a mother, but for one week a year, I have to be me. I trust my husband, so do not see the need to communicate all the time, check in maybe once a day to make sure all is ok...... if that makes me a terrible person, so be it. I have been to see strippers, and will likely watch a sex show in amsterdam, doesnt make me a terrible person or mean I am going to cheat or think less of my family, just means for a few days I am having a laugh with my friends and letting my hair down........

Drogosnextwife · 16/09/2019 11:09

He lived abroad as a dj for 6 years when he was younger and needs to go back for the music and the atmosphere.

He NEEDS to go back 😂😂

TheGirlWhoLived · 16/09/2019 11:10

My husband went to this exact hotel two weeks ago... he went for 5 days, with four friends (all male) and enjoyed himself immensely.

We got videos of him going down the water slides, of the pool parties and of the rooms. He did say there were heaps of girls in thong bikinis, he wondered if it was since love island

But he rang every day to speak to me and the girls, and didn’t go to any erotic shows

Just to show you what can happen. The holiday isn’t a deal breaker but the behaviour would be for me

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 11:10

He's gone on a holiday, that's normal.

The erotic show and uploading it is in poor taste

Lack of communication is also reasonably normal for some relationships. DH and I don't really get in touch much when we go away for weekends etc.

The videos or photos of what's going on and there's women in bikinis is a bit of a non issue. Person goes to beach resort and there's people in swimwear is hardly shock of the century.

Original poster

Kate8790 · 16/09/2019 11:21

I don't know if jealous was the right word 🤔 I'm upset. I knew there was going to be women around but I felt like he didn't need to send videos of them. He knows me and he knows what will upset me.

OP posts:

Bouffalant · 16/09/2019 11:22

Lack of communication when on holiday i'd have no problem with - he's on holiday! He's not going to be messaging all day. I'd expect him to say he'd arrived safely, and maybe a couple of texts during the week.

What was the show? Do you mean strippers? I wouldn't be keen on that.

Alsohuman · 16/09/2019 11:27

Another one here who goes away with the girls on a regular basis. I call every evening, other than that there’s no contact when I’m away. Do you have to change into a different person when you commit to someone? If so, I’m an epic fail.

violetdelights · 16/09/2019 11:42

I wouldn't have a problem with him going away or the amount of (or lack of communication). It's the behaviour and videos I would have a problem with. I can fully understand how you find the change in his behaviour unacceptable and question being with him. I had the same thoughts when DH went on his stag do. He was a completely different person and I didn't like that side of him. I cried all week because I didn't want to marry him anymore. He wasn't the man I fell in love with. We went through with the wedding and I ended up hating what was supposed to be one of the best days of my life. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I still hold some resentment for how I felt that day. We have since worked through it and put it behind us.

Sorry, no real advice. Just backing you that YANBU for being upset with him. This isn't normal behaviour of a person in a relationship.

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