Managing someone... the life of a people pleaser

[MehWithASideOfToast]

Ugh. I am a massive people pleaser. It's in my bones due to stately home upbringing.

I am in a management position at work and an intern was super unprofessional, rude and dismissive in their manner towards me for what isn't the first time.

I pulled him them up on it, privately away from other workers, and they started full on crying.

I feel terrible.

They have reason to be stressed and I understand why they are acting the way they do, but it doesn't make it ok does it?

I was very authoritative in the way I spoke 😩

Being stressed does not make that acceptable...YANBU.

I’m sure you did it well. It had to be done. Well done for overcoming people pleasing tendencies and managing to do it!! They’ll recover and hopefully not come out with that attitude again - no excuse for it.

Crying publicly is a way to negate responsibility for their actions. They’re trying to make you look like the bad guy. (And feel like it as well.) You did your job. I can guarantee that accountability isn’t their strong point, and if you don’t start demanding it, they will storm all over you, all the time.

Is it possible to do it without seeming aggressive? I think I was assertive, but so unsure due to blurriness around sticking up for myself and not putting others before myself. I definitely had a tone suggesting I was pissed off.

It's your job to manage. You managed.

We all have reasons to be stressed, it's how we deal with that that matters

The intern has displayed poor employability.

I've been treated very poorly in previous roles and I just thought fuck this.

They may have reason to be upset, they do not have reason to be rude and dismissive and unprofessional in their manner towards a manager. You educated them as to this, as is fitting with an intern. They're learning. Hopefully they've learned!

And of course you were pissed off. And sounded pissed off. . .

Being assertive is a skill that you need to practice in order to get better at it. The more you do it the better you will get.

It is easy to go over the top into aggression if you have not developed the skills so far.

Well done for tackling the issue.

I wouldn't take them crying as an indication that you have got it wrong tbh.

YANBU.
The crying is called DEFLECTION, if I cry she will cut me some slack type of thing.
But good on you anyway.

Crying isn't always a deliberate manipulation tactic. Not everyone is able to turn tears on or off at will.

That doesn't mean that the OP did the wrong thing - you handled it fine. The intern shouldn't talk to you like that and you wouldn't be doing them any favours in their career to pretend to them that it's OK. It was a hard thing to hear and it made them cry - that's not that surprising, people cry, you did it in private so they weren't humiliated, they need to take on what you said and learn not to let their stressful situation influence the way they behave towards their coworkers. It's all part of learning the emotional skills you need in your job.

You feel guilty because you are a nice person.

They are crying because they weren't expecting criticism - probably because they haven't been pulled up on their behaviour before. Which is why they have behaved badly.

The best way to manage tears, is to be sympathetic - offer a tissue and a glass of water - but remain firm. So be kind ('are you feeling OK now? I know it can be hard to listen to constructive feedback, but let's draw a line under this and start again') but do not back down.

I always leave tough conversations in the room where they took place - and I tell people that. So when we walk back out onto the floor we do so with a clean slate.

It's a hard skill to learn as a manager, but in order to be effective you need to be able to give constructive feedback.

From one people-pleaser to another: GOOD FOR YOU. There’s no way you would’ve been horrible. We’re never horrible. And what we think of as being firm and assertive is usually about as forceful and terrifying as an episode of Bake Off.

You did the right thing.

From one people-pleaser to another: GOOD FOR YOU. There’s no way you would’ve been horrible. We’re never horrible. And what we think of as being firm and assertive is usually about as forceful and terrifying as an episode of Bake Off.

Oh and totally this! I am a people pleaser and it was so hard to learn to do this. But I promise you it will make you a better manager.

IME it gets easier with practise. The more feedback like this you have to do, the less worried and stressed you get about it so the easier it becomes to keep a calm and neutral tone but still get your point across clearly.

I found it helped to remind myself it was not my job to punish this person or change their behaviour. It was my job to signpost it and be clear about the consequences. They are an adult who can do what they like with that info.

Less "you'd better buck your ideas up" and more "this way of speaking is not acceptable here" kind of thing.

Don't feel any guilt about them crying.It's proberly more out of rage at being told off rather than sadness.
Tears are often a sign of self pity.
Well done.

The intern doesn't need to have been faking tears/reacting with rage for it to be OK for the OP to have told her off, IMO. Strong reactions to criticism are OK. Criticism is also OK. If someone ends up crying it doesn't mean that someone has to be to blame.

Well done Op, also I think that when us people pleasers loose the cool then it really takes people by surprise because they know we take more crap than the average person so to call the attitude out means they really pissed you off!

OP you did nothing wrong. Nor did the intern by crying. It was their emotional reaction to being told off. Now show them you have moved on by being friendly and professional in your continued dealings with them. They will know you are not to be messed with but may also try harder to win your approval.

I’m a people pleaser too and I do find that when I try to assert myself, I sometimes go overboard into agression. I think i haven’t had enough practice at firm-but-fair assertiveness tbh. Maybe you went OTT? What do you think?

Wtf has a stately home upbringing got to do with it?!

Interns should be making a good impression. Do you line manage this person? If not, have you told their line manger?

Being a 'people pleaser' isn't necessarily an accolade, btw, as a lot of people pleasers are not necessarily nice, but passive aggressive, hiding from taking ownership. There's always a pay off to being a doormat.

Being assertive is a skill that you need to practice in order to get better at it.

perfect summary. Even if you wish you handled it better, you learnt something about how to handle it better next time. AND they didn't get away with it. So win win.

I totally hear you OP!
I manage a complete nightmare of a woman who can be incredibly rude & aggressive then shouts, accuses & bursts into floods of dramatic tears when picked up on it. It's sooo stressful.