Managing someone... the life of a people pleaser

[MehWithASideOfToast]

Ugh. I am a massive people pleaser. It's in my bones due to stately home upbringing.

I am in a management position at work and an intern was super unprofessional, rude and dismissive in their manner towards me for what isn't the first time.

I pulled him them up on it, privately away from other workers, and they started full on crying.

I feel terrible.

They have reason to be stressed and I understand why they are acting the way they do, but it doesn't make it ok does it?

I was very authoritative in the way I spoke 😩

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, it sounds like you handled it appropriately...

But as an aside I'm a bit shocked at all the people suggesting crying at work is a deliberate, passive aggressive tactic.

I've cried at work on several occasions, many of them related to being the subject of abuse by my husband and (unrelated) work things having pushed me over the edge.

Sometimes people cry due to rage or frustration just boiling over. Doesn't make it appropriate or professional but its human ffs

Also totally agree with what likewinter said. It shocks some people when their very supportive & lovely boss has to tell them to stop acting like rude spoiled children. I find it very manipulative behavior indeed & it really winds me up & stresses me out.

Thanks everyone for the good advice on this thread - I am sure I shall return to it!

Thepeopleversuswork - I do t think a perfectly reasonable person crying over something unrelated to work is unreasonable. But someone who has been consistently rude & difficult to manage & verbally aggressive who bursts into tears when they are very politely pulled up on it is manipulative IMO.

(I don't think )

@DiBPD1979 The OP is referring to what’s known as the stately homes thread on MN - not that she was brought up in an actual stately home.

It’s a very long-running support thread for people with toxic family backgrounds, afaik (I’m not on it although probably should be).

I work with someone who is rude, entitled and manipulative who can turn on the waterworks when she is confronted about her behaviour - or expected to be accountable. She is also able to turn them off at the drop of a hat, too. The helpless, little fairy role works really well with younger and middle-aged men and absolutely nobody else. She even cried because “Everybody eye-rolls when I walk into the kitchen!”

*worked.... I haven’t worked there for a bajillion years. May shock you to know that I didn’t keep in touch with her, either.

Ah let the little bitch cry

They fucked up . My 12 year old cries she. I tell them off .

Keep at it OP ! You did right and they got emotional

End of

Thank you.

I feel a lot better about the situation now. And maybe even a little proud of myself.

Onwards and upwards.

But as an aside I'm a bit shocked at all the people suggesting crying at work is a deliberate, passive aggressive tactic

Me too. I went to therapy to learn how not to cry. (It sort of did and didn't work - the therapist had no advice as to how to stop myself from crying but she did help me to see that I didn't need to be ashamed of an honest emotional response)

There seems to be theme on here that it's OK to make someone cry because they were just being manipulative. I would say that if you really want to move away from being a people pleaser you should try to accept that it is sometimes OK to do something that makes someone else cry even if the crying is totally honest and they are really upset.

One of the advantages of being a people pleaser is that you never have to deal with the guilt of upsetting or disappointing people.
Most of us become people pleasers as a result of a difficult childhood that results in us feeling toxic shame whenever we do something unacceptable and the people pleaser persona is an adaptation to that. Healing from that doesn't mean trying to get to a place where you can upset people and never feel shame or regret, where if you do the right thing, anyone who you upset is lying or manipulative. Healing means accepting that you can't always please everyone, that sometimes you can do the right thing and it will hurt someone, and allowing yourself to feel the consequent regret without letting it overwhelm you. IMO.