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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL bombarding me with gifts

43 replies

KiaraN83 · 15/09/2019 19:32

My DD is MIL first and so far only grandchild, she’s 9 months old. I can understand she is excited.

I had a hard time getting pregnant with DD and due to my health, I Was very anxious my whole pregnancy as there was a much higher chance of stillbirth or miscarriage. I honestly didn’t believe I’d be lucky enough to have her born healthy, but she was and I’m so thank ful for it.

So anyway, due to all of this she is likely to be my only child, so of course I want to spoil her. I was so excited when preg to choose the nursery furniture etc, even now I’m excited to buy her new things as I’ve waited so long for her, absolutely treasuring every moment.

So MIL has 5 kids, yet her youngest (my OH) is the only one who has given her a grandchild. She will more than likely have more in the next few years. Obviously she bought DD things which I was very grateful for.
However, everytime she visits now or I visit her, she brings walkers, toys, clothes, jumperoos, you name it. I don’t mind the odd gift but I want to buy things for DD that are to my taste, I have always looked forward to these moments like choosing her a walker etc but I feel MIL has taken this pleasure away from me.

I’m not confrontational but have hinted that I really don’t need anything for DD but everytime she shows up it’s with a massive bag of second hand clothes or toys, or a large item that I really would’ve liked to have picked out myself. I understand her wanting to buy the odd dress or toy for DD but I feel this is too much and she’s suffocating me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 15/09/2019 19:34

Tell her to keep the big things at her house

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/09/2019 20:06

I feel the same, expecting our first and I'm trying to not have too much stuff but also what I do buy is good quality and fits in our tiny home. No advice really but Flowers as it's such a difficult position, could you OH have a word with her?

Original poster
KiaraN83 · 15/09/2019 20:21

I have got OH to suggest maybe she keeps the stuff at hers but she seems to have ignored it and sneaks it over anyway! I just feel like I’m being unfair to her but I really don’t want all this stuff. I feel the only way to sort it is to tell her straight but worried about upsetting her

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 15/09/2019 21:09

If you don’t feel comfortable saying no then I’d accept the items and give them to a charity shop or to a place that helps mothers in need. Your mil never needs to know. Take a few pics of your DD in the outfits and playing with the toys and send them across to her but mention that she doesn’t need anything else for the next 4/5 months 👍

DontFundHate · 15/09/2019 21:13

Just tell her you have too much stuff from everyone ie not just from her. And yes nice to have special stuff to play with at mil house. Jumperoos and walkers not a great idea anyway though...

HugoSpritz · 15/09/2019 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Streamside · 16/09/2019 00:19

My 3rd child has just gone to university and the cost is crippling. I always read these sort of posts and think how much more useful it would be to invest in a child's education rather than buy useless items.

Notajogger · 16/09/2019 00:24

This
My 3rd child has just gone to university and the cost is crippling. I always read these sort of posts and think how much more useful it would be to invest in a child's education rather than buy useless items.

sleeveofstickers · 16/09/2019 00:26

My mil was like this, DH had word (about three times before it really had an effect) and much improved now. We really played up the whole making the most of experiences over material belongings and saving for the future.

Aria999 · 16/09/2019 03:45

Make a big deal out of not having enough space for more stuff?

NormHonal · 16/09/2019 04:21

Can you stash any of it in a loft and then gift it to cousins as they are born?

And yes, getting her to put the money into an account or even a pension for your child when older would be a much better use of the money.

ittooshallpass · 16/09/2019 05:28

Just sell it all, buy what you want/need and put the rest of the money in a savings account for your DD.

Stephminx · 16/09/2019 05:56

If she won't stop and you don't want to insist and possibly fall out, why not just lie and say you've already bought whatever the items are so she'll either have to take them back or keep them at hers as you don't have space for two. Smaller things you could donate or sell, outfits keep for one pic then donate/sell/claim she grew out of them/split stuff on them etc...

Shoxfordian · 16/09/2019 05:58

Take it to a charity shop

CalmdownJanet · 16/09/2019 06:10

Just say you have them? i.e she arrives with a walker, you say "Oh I got one last week, she's not used it yet but I bought it last week, I saw it and couldn't resist, it's in the attic for another week or two until she's ready, you can get a refund though I'm sure or maybe keep it for your house"

If you keep doing that and she will get sick of it, clothes I'd just take, wear/don't wear/pass them on. You will need to be on the ball with Christmas with someone like her but "oh I have it already" a few times and I bet she gets sick of it.

TheCanterburyWhales · 16/09/2019 06:23

How dare a grandmother buy things for her only grandchild. Hmm

Cherrysoup · 16/09/2019 07:00

Just tell her!

narkedinNI · 16/09/2019 07:07

Smile and say thank you OP and then stick it in the boot of the car and take it to the nearest charity shop. This is honestly such a first world problem, it is lovely that children have so many people who are delighted at their presence.

leasedaudi · 16/09/2019 07:18

We have the same problem. She now just leaves stuff in the toybox hoping we won't notice. We have an entire toybox full of books from her. Needless to say we charity shop does well out of us!

It makes me sad that we've never had the opportunity to buy clothes, books or toys for our baby :(

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 16/09/2019 07:19

How dare a grandmother buy things for her only grandchild. hmm

You are wilfully missing the point - it's not that the grandmother is buying things for her grandchild - it's the enormous quantity of things she's buying which leaves no space for the OP to buy things she would have liked to have chosen herself.

ControversialFerret · 16/09/2019 07:20

How dare a grandmother buy things for her only grandchild

That's not fair, is it? OP isn't asking for her MIL to never bring a gift again - instead she is, quite reasonably, pointing out that as this is likely to be her only child that she'd like to buy some of the big ticket items herself.

HugoSpritz · 16/09/2019 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NearlyGranny · 16/09/2019 08:32

I'm itching to buy and make! DiL and I are messaging links and images back and forth and I am learning her tastes (which are flawless!) but I have promised solemnly to purchase nothing without consultation and approval!

I remember being swamped by bin bags of old baby clothes when I had b/g twins and feeling my tiny cottage was turned into a jumble sale.

Could you ask MiL to consult you before she buys and send a picture, just to avoid duplication?

theruffles · 16/09/2019 08:50

My DM was like this with my DD, also a first grandchild. It's coming from a good place but sometimes I don't think they always realise that it can be a bit suffocating and overstepping when you want to buy those things for yourself and experience it too. I would say to just keep reminding MiL gently that it's lovely she wants to buy things but perhaps the money would be better spent on X, Y, Z instead which your baby needs or kept in savings for a time when she does want/need something. I remember having to ask my DM about 5 times not to buy DD another car seat for their car since she only really sees them once a week and ours is not locked to our car!

This has worked with my DM but it has taken a while. She now keeps money in a savings account for my DD or asks beforehand in case we've already got something, which I appreciate.

CakeNinja · 16/09/2019 09:02

As I’m sat preparing to send my first child (of potentially 3) to uni, in your shoes I’d thank MIL and put the money you would have spent to one side. Or sell MILs stuff and put that money away.
Your child won’t know or care who bought what.
Also, we had a similar situation with our first in that grandparents went overboard - we were bloody grateful as skint young parents at the time (not that this is your situation) and the enthusiasm for buying lavish gifts dropped off after subsequent children let me tell you! When your MIL has other grandchildren to spend money on I’m sure she’ll calm down a bit.