MIL bombarding me with gifts

[KiaraN83]

My DD is MIL first and so far only grandchild, she’s 9 months old. I can understand she is excited.

I had a hard time getting pregnant with DD and due to my health, I Was very anxious my whole pregnancy as there was a much higher chance of stillbirth or miscarriage. I honestly didn’t believe I’d be lucky enough to have her born healthy, but she was and I’m so thank ful for it.

So anyway, due to all of this she is likely to be my only child, so of course I want to spoil her. I was so excited when preg to choose the nursery furniture etc, even now I’m excited to buy her new things as I’ve waited so long for her, absolutely treasuring every moment.

So MIL has 5 kids, yet her youngest (my OH) is the only one who has given her a grandchild. She will more than likely have more in the next few years. Obviously she bought DD things which I was very grateful for.
However, everytime she visits now or I visit her, she brings walkers, toys, clothes, jumperoos, you name it. I don’t mind the odd gift but I want to buy things for DD that are to my taste, I have always looked forward to these moments like choosing her a walker etc but I feel MIL has taken this pleasure away from me.

I’m not confrontational but have hinted that I really don’t need anything for DD but everytime she shows up it’s with a massive bag of second hand clothes or toys, or a large item that I really would’ve liked to have picked out myself. I understand her wanting to buy the odd dress or toy for DD but I feel this is too much and she’s suffocating me.

AIBU?

Just tell her that you don’t need anymore stuff! She will think it’s fine otherwise

What does your DH get to buy your daughter?

How dare a grandmother buy things for her only grandchild.

Can you point to where the OP said that this was the problem?

You'd be happy if someone close to you brought a bag of gifts, you neither needed or wanted, every time they visited?

I can’t see how anyone would think this was ok. It’s not but it needs addressing, pronto.

I despair at the amount of women who won’t speak up for themselves on MN!

Next time you visit her, take the items you think would be useful to keep at hers and let her know (kindly) that it would be lovely for dd to have these things at her place when you visit and you’d like to leave them there.

Start a conversation with MIL about firstborn children and ask her "Do you remember having your firstborn, and that joy of being able to choose little outfits and special items for them?" When she says yes and gets all nostalgic and reminiscent, interrupt her and say you're sad that you haven't really been able to have that joy, because everyone (don't just pinpoint her) is being too generous and whilst it's thoughtful of them, it means you're missing out on the opportunity to choose things you like. Then ask her again to rein back on the purchases, or discuss with you first before she goes ahead. If she still ignores you then as pp have said, either sell it/pass it on/charity shop the stuff.

As I’m sat preparing to send my first child (of potentially 3) to uni, in your shoes I’d thank MIL and put the money you would have spent to one side

This! When you realize the eye watering costs associated with older children you could kick yourself on the amount you spent on clothes/equipment/high chairs.

I don't get why posters feel upset that they didn't get to buy things, surely if you didn'[t like the presents you would somehow get rid ad just buy what you wanted?

Just tell her 'everyone' has given you so much stuff, you're really grateful and don't need anything else and can't fit it in the house.
It's a bit blunt but it worked for me. Apart from anything else it's bad for the environment to buy loads of unnecessary stuff, most of which will only be used for a few months.

I don't get why posters feel upset that they didn't get to buy things, surely if you didn'[t like the presents you would somehow get rid ad just buy what you wanted?
Because it feels like a huge waste and takes the pleasure out of buying another one?
I got everything handed down and have bought nothing new myself at all. I'd still be annoyed if people insisted on buying things I already had!

Yabbers- my DD is an only child, now 16 and when she was younger I had a houseful of stuff I wouldn't have chosen.
i gave them to charity and some I even ebayed. Would I have hurt the gifter's feelings by telling her I didn't want it? Of course not. Because however you put it to a well-meaning relative, you're going to come across as petty and deeply unkind.
And, tbh, yes, when MIL bought dd's cot, I thought, well, it's not the one I'd have chosen, but I used it, said thank you for it , used the money for other things and got on with life.

You could do a big car boot sale. Baby stuff tends to sell quite well. Then your MiL might slowly get the message when she never sees your DD using the things she has bought.

My MIL was the same. I gratefully accepted it all then sent most of it packing to the charity shop. She has really garish taste, not my style at all and we have enough money to buy things to my taste.

I understand how irritating it is and wish I had the balls to tell MIL to stop.

I headed this off at the pass by whatsapping the grandparents when we bought anything big, like the brand new push-along walker in the charity shop, jumparoo, pile of supermarket clothes with "We definitely have enough 3-6 month clothes now!" etc.

If you are hinting, she will take it as "Oh, you shouldn't have! But thank you!" rather than "You definitely shouldn't have." I would ask your OH to say you are maxed out on space and clearing things out, then Facebook Marketplace duplicates.

I am still waiting to be a grandmother, I cant wait and know I will be similar.
Already deciding which large vintage rocking horse I will buy (something I would have loved for mine, but didn't have the money back then), what clothes, toys etc....
We have even started a fund for schooling to take the edge off my son and partner.
Mind you I dont tell them these things and I definitely wont be in their face about it.
Your mil is just happy and wants to feel involved.

Thanks so far guys, interesting to read different views on it.

I don’t want to come across as ungrateful, but this will be my only child due to health reasons and I just want the pleasure of buying her here things, OH doesn’t really care what I buy and just says “yeah that’s nice” so he’s not too bothered.

My MIL has a totally different taste to me, she can buy DD anything she wants but maybe just keep it at hers. I really don’t like the stuff she buys, so I feel like I’m being too much of a people pleaser and therefore keeping the stuff I don’t like so I don’t upset anyone. I get that she’s excited and like I said, she can buy anything for her own house! I’m failing at trying to put my point across haha

Gumtree and buy stuff you like with the cash.

OP, you need to tell her that while you really appreciate her generosity, this is likely to be your only child and you want the joy of buying the big items yourself.

If she can't or won't respect this, all bets would be off as far as I am concerned.

Charity shop for the lot of it or fill your husband's car up and return it.

Just don't engage any further on the subject.

What she wants is not more important than what you have politely explained to her.

Better now than later.

My 3rd child has just gone to university and the cost is crippling. I always read these sort of posts and think how much more useful it would be to invest in a child's education rather than buy useless items.

Op is having the one child. She may be financially very comfortable.

I'd just give the stuff away op. Next time she brings something just tell her 'thanks but that won't get used, I've already purchased one online.'