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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dating more than 1 person is a red flag

51 replies

Indie139 · 15/09/2019 19:25

I have been on tinder for a few months and have had a few dates, all of which have not progressed past the first date. I started speaking to a guy a couple weeks ago and we have met up twice. He also messages and video calls pretty much every night. After our first date, which was on a friday he casually said that he had also gone on dates that Saturday and sunday. He said that including me there were 3 people he was currently speaking to. The way he said it though it seemed like he was joking so i didnt take it too serious and as it was early stages just brushed it off. He began calling me every night and taking to me more often, he then invited me out twice last week and we met up again friday just gone. I started to feel he was really interested. I asked him what he was upto yesterday night and he said he was out on a date, he had also invited me out last Wednesday night but i couldnt make it and he said he went out with another female instead. I expressed to him that i do like him but feel i am wasting my time continuing because if hes going on dates with other women at the same time, i dont feel he is fully interested in me.

He seems to think im being unreasonable and that its too early to focus on one person. I am not speaking to anyone else myself and i do like him but im on the verge of blocking him, Aibu?

OP posts:

ISmellBabies · 15/09/2019 19:26

Yanbu, he's wasting your time. Block.

beefthief · 15/09/2019 19:26

Nobody is being unreasonable, you just both have different expectations. And that's fine, you just need to talk to him about making that commitment you want.

Badolddays · 15/09/2019 19:27

Sounds very American and I wouldn’t appreciate it.

WanderingMind · 15/09/2019 19:28

Well, it would put me off but then I'm old. When I was growing up you went out with one person, if you then wanted to see other people you finished it before you did.

NameChangedForTheDay · 16/09/2019 00:49

Okay, so I was on Tinder just over five years ago and it surprised me, as the "NYC type dating" seemed to be the total norm. So I embraced it, I was dating more than one guy at once, three at once at one point (on 2nd and 3rd dates). It seemed like an unspoken given. Just normal.

I still had a date each with two guys, AFTER meeting my now DP for our first date. They were arranged before I met DP, so I went anyway. But after two weeks of dating DP, we discussed exclusivity and came off OLD altogether immediately.

At the time it felt odd doing the multiple dating, but I went with it as I'd never dated before (having met exes at work) and although it was a bit exhausting out for drinks and dinners most nights, I paid my way and I liked meeting different guys and not wasting time. Helped me realise what traits I did, and didn't want in a future DP.

If I had a "date one man at a time" rule it would have taken ages to meet someone. I know some might disagree, but if you're honest with each other, I can't see the problem.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/09/2019 05:08

In the olden days (1970's) we dated more than one person at a time, but "dating" meant "enjoying the company of a person of the opposite sex at an event" such as dinner, a movie, etc. with no sexual activity expected.
My 16-year old son just began to "date". He went to a school football game and "hung out" with a girl there, and bought her a soft drink. The next weekend he asked her to a movie -- met her there, bought her ticket and they sat together. No sex, not even kissing, but she held his hand during the scary parts!
The next week he invited her to a local festival featuring a hot air balloon race, food booths, face painting, etc. His older sister would be with them. Her Mother said No. She could not date him again unless he was "courting" her. He is 16 and she is the first girl he ever dated!!! He is NOT courting anyone until after he graduates and gets through college.

SimonJT · 16/09/2019 05:36

It’s fairly normal, when I met my boyfriend I had an FWB and I would have gone on other days, he was also seeing other people and hooking up on nights out.

Wait to see if you genuinely click and like each other, if you do then that’s the time for the exclusivity chat.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/09/2019 05:39

I think it's fine, but only if everyone's fine with it. If it's not what you want, there's nothing wrong with that. But personally, if I was internet dating, I wouldn't be wasting my time committing to one person early on.

Alicewond · 16/09/2019 05:41

Depends, as long as you are both honest then what’s the issue. You can walk away. He could have lied. Dating is exploring whether a relationship is a possibility

sheshootssheimplores · 16/09/2019 06:15

I did similar and when I made up my mind who I wanted we were exclusive and have now been together for right years.

I’m not sure it’s a red flag. But if you want exclusivity and he doesn’t then he’s not that into you unfortunately.

sheshootssheimplores · 16/09/2019 06:16

*eight

whatshallIdo1 · 16/09/2019 06:26

I wouldn’t like it.

Especially if this means sex with all dates? Which I think it does for some people, and it’s now becoming the norm? Makes any prospect of dating seem impossible to me, as you don’t know who else they might be sharing bodily fluids with.

bumblingbovine49 · 16/09/2019 06:48

I did similar when internet dating. I don't think anyone has the obligation to be exclusive until you have had that conversation and he has been honest and not hidden it so I do not see it as a red flag. More different expectations'

However you have now had that conversation. You have asked for exclusivity and he has said he is not yet ready. That seems clear to me. He either agrees to be exclusive or you move on.

Oysterbabe · 16/09/2019 06:55

I did this. Most dates don't go anywhere so I found speaking to a few people at once was a lot more efficient. You can waste a lot of time focusing on one person and then it not go anywhere. I think it's fine as long as you're open and honest and you aren't sleeping with any if them. Once sex is involved you need to ditch the others imo.

LellyMcKelly · 16/09/2019 07:00

That’s normal. Until you’ve had the ‘exclusive’ conversation you’re not exclusive. You should be out on other dates too.

Canyousewcushions · 16/09/2019 07:08

I think it's normal to do this these days- certainly among the younger staff at work, the concept of only dating one person from the outset is a bit alien.

I must admit I'm not sure I'd like it, but I think it's probably case of "if you can't beat them join them"- it's.probably ok if everyone is doing the same and perfectly open about it. You might find it's a common problem if it's something you don't like.

Original poster

Indie139 · 16/09/2019 07:13

Hi guys thanks for your replies,

I do understand that everyone is different which is fine but I guess I find it odd as its not how I personally do things. I just feel like by dating multiple at once how can he properly get to know me. He's already forgotten a bunch of stuff I have told him and mixed info with someone else. So far it seems like hes out on dates majority of his evenings. Just thought that if he liked me that much and has all this free time, he would try to see me more often rather than organise to see other people. Also as i have no idea how long this will go on for ,the feeling of competing with others & the possibility of getting dropped at any time has me thinking this is a huge waste of time.

We barely spoke yesterday and i think he gets the sense i'm going off him now. I think i will prob just block and start from square 1 again

OP posts:

stucknoue · 16/09/2019 07:16

I think it's fine to go on multiple dates in a week (they were arranged before he met you) but if he wants to meet a second time then at that point he shouldn't be going on dates with others. I'm talking to several people, meeting initially for coffee etc is not the issue, I will suspend my old accounts if it (ever) gets to a second date...

dodgeballchamp · 16/09/2019 07:20

I don’t see the issue. You don’t know what someone’s really like until you meet them in person, and even then it would surely take a few dates to tell whether you think it would develop into something? As you said, most things don’t progress past one date so why not maximise your chances and have several ‘one dates’ on the go at the same time? This is how I do it. I wouldn’t stop dating other people until it was becoming clear that something might actually develop with someone and that would probably take weeks

stucknoue · 16/09/2019 07:20

@GeorgiaGirl52 that's very American evangelical Christian, basically they want you to commit to marry at a ridiculously young age and no proper dating just a few chaperoned meetings. In the U.K. that's almost unheard of except in the Asian population and even then rare these days.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 16/09/2019 07:25

"He is NOT courting anyone until after he graduates and gets through college."

Sure he's not.

Oysterbabe · 16/09/2019 07:25

Definitely try and get less invested in the early days.

My SIL hit 30 and was like 'OK time to find a husband' She arranged a date for every night for 2 weeks. After date 3 she cancelled the others and later married BIL.

He hasn't tried to pretend you're the only one and it's up to you what you do with that.

Original poster

Indie139 · 16/09/2019 07:30

I think the fact that we've been speaking for weeks..Have met up twice, and speak on the phone every night i thought there was some interest there. For me if its gets to 2nd date and you would like to go for a 3rd date..thats the time to start distancing from the others. We had a really good 2nd date on friday (which also happened to be my bday) and to hear that the following day he was out on another date just disappointed me i guess. It seems like its a thing though to do it the way hes doing. I also have no idea how long hes been seeing the others. Maybe i am being a little unreasonable but for some reason im just not comfortable

OP posts:

Angrybird123 · 16/09/2019 07:33

Op if it'd not fine for you that's OK, but before you block, if you like this guy, at least tell him why and give a chance. Wouldn't it be crap if he would have stopped dating others and you didn't give it chance. It is perfectly normal now to do things this way, though there are no rules.
Lots of relationships start as slow burners, it's not true that you 'should' want to spend every waking minute together or it's not a serious prospect. Just talk to him.

MRex · 16/09/2019 07:34

He's not the right one for you. When you ever find yourself asking to be treated in the way you wish to be and a man calls you unreasonable, he isn't the one. It's time saving to set up a number of first dates and meet people, because there will be many who turn out to be completely unsuitable on first meeting. Second dates, perhaps one or two might carry over for another week if you'd had a nice time with each one. After that I wouldn't like to be with someone who's shagging multiple women either, no, I've never had a relationship work out where it hasn't been clear after a few dates that we're keen on each other. Fine if it works for others, we're all different. Follow your instincts and you'll find the one that's right for you.

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