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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dating more than 1 person is a red flag

51 replies

Indie139 · 15/09/2019 19:25

I have been on tinder for a few months and have had a few dates, all of which have not progressed past the first date. I started speaking to a guy a couple weeks ago and we have met up twice. He also messages and video calls pretty much every night. After our first date, which was on a friday he casually said that he had also gone on dates that Saturday and sunday. He said that including me there were 3 people he was currently speaking to. The way he said it though it seemed like he was joking so i didnt take it too serious and as it was early stages just brushed it off. He began calling me every night and taking to me more often, he then invited me out twice last week and we met up again friday just gone. I started to feel he was really interested. I asked him what he was upto yesterday night and he said he was out on a date, he had also invited me out last Wednesday night but i couldnt make it and he said he went out with another female instead. I expressed to him that i do like him but feel i am wasting my time continuing because if hes going on dates with other women at the same time, i dont feel he is fully interested in me.

He seems to think im being unreasonable and that its too early to focus on one person. I am not speaking to anyone else myself and i do like him but im on the verge of blocking him, Aibu?

OP posts:
Kitsandkids · 16/09/2019 07:37

I met my husband online, though not on a dating website, and he was also talking to one other woman at the same time because we were very much of the thought that you couldn’t be properly into someone until you met. Me and him met and he stopped speaking to the other woman. I would not have been impressed if he hadn’t!

DelphiniumBlue · 16/09/2019 07:39

It's the mixed messages, talking everyday implies a certain amount of intimacy, but him dating other people suggests the opposite.
Why are you talking everyday?
If he wants to talk to you, let him make the effort to see you in person. You're making yourself emotionally available without requiring any commitment from him.

Actionhasmagic · 16/09/2019 07:39

Blloooooockkkkk

Crystal87 · 16/09/2019 07:39

I wouldn't see him again. When I did online dating I never dated people at the same time. You can't like people that much or get to know them properly if you're seeing others as well. It also seems a massive waste of time and effort to have a load of dates lined up if there's no potential for more.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 16/09/2019 07:50

To be honest, it would be a red flag for me OP as it would be so different from my own values. I don’t understand dating more than one person, and I never did it myself, so it wouldn’t suit me. On the other hand, don’t just ghost him, at least speak to him and explain why. Ghosting is not kind.

@GeorgiaGirl52 presumably you’re from America? I’m surprised that sort of old fashioned attitudes to dating still stand. It seems a shame to cut a nice relationship:friendship off at the knees because it’s going too slow.
Mind you, as for your son not ‘courting’ until after he graduates, one, lol sure and two, I don’t think that’s really up to you?

Ponoka7 · 16/09/2019 07:58

"He's already forgotten a bunch of stuff I have told him and mixed info with someone else"

I doubt things are going to go anywhere and if that's what you want, then end it.

My DD is back on the dating scene. Mainly starting on line. We had a discussion about this and to us dating is going on dates to see who you click with. Then you have the exclusive talk.

He hasn't clicked enough with you. It isn't a red flag and he's being completely honest.

But it isn't for you.

BrokenWing · 16/09/2019 08:06

YABU and youve got to give him points for being honest.

You've been on two dates, it is not clear if this will go somewhere, hardly exclusive talk territory yet.

ShatnersWig · 16/09/2019 08:12

If you asked this on the Relationships board, and especially in the dating thread, pretty much 90% would tell you you SHOULD be dating more than one person until you find one you're properly keen on. "Keeping irons in the fire" as it were.

Original poster
Indie139 · 16/09/2019 08:14

Yes, i will probably speak to him first. Other than this he has been quite nice to me and i appreciate the honesty. Everyone is different and in this case id rather just leave him to it

OP posts:
sweepysue · 16/09/2019 08:15

Oh for fuck sake .... he wants you to do the 'Pick me' dance.

I've done the online dating. This arse wipe clearly wants to rub your face in the fact that things are super casual right now. What a douche.

He will be telling you he has slept with them soon & It's very degrading what he is doing here.

This isn't normal ( I did online dating for years ) even if they were meeting up with others it was never mentioned.

Don't be fooled into thinking that he is being open & that's its a good thing.

He's having his cake & eating it.

Block the twat. With no explanation. And move on.

billy1966 · 16/09/2019 08:21

OP, definitely not unreasonable to not be up for this. After a couple of dates he's either interested or not.

To be confusing your details with others because he has so many women on the go is awful.

I wouldn't care if some people think it's normal. I wouldn't like it.

Calling you every evening is way to far down the line for that bullshit.

He sounds like a player who thinks it's all good because he told you.

Not good for your self respect.

Original poster
Indie139 · 16/09/2019 08:25

Yes he has been rubbing it in my face a bit. When i couldnt make it last wednesday the next day he told me he called one of the others to go instead and what they ate etc. And when he went out on Sat he was going on about how he had a great time. A few times ive missed calls from him aswell and when i call back he says he called one of the others instead thats why the line was busy. The way hes been saying this stuff though i thought he was joking, but now realise hes being serious.

OP posts:
dudsville · 16/09/2019 08:28

Oh I loved this when I was dating. The notion that at the beginning of a relationship, hell, it's not even a relationship yet... the idea that from the moment you messaged about a meet up you should both be exclusive is nonsense. Too much pressure. I dated a lot, the majority were single event coffees/drinks, and I'd fill my social calendar with these. I loved meeting new people. Once something got to a certain point beyond sex, not before it, then we'd mutually agree to put our accounts on hold. It's a very fun way if dating if you can manage it.

doublebarrellednurse · 16/09/2019 08:29

He would piss me off. Not for seeing other people, you do you son, but for going on about it and manufacturing fake jealousy. It's probably not even true and it seems like he's playing the pick up artist playbook. V insecure.

A short "sorry I don't think we are compatible" and move on.

You don't want to be raising him for the rest of your life

Ginmel · 16/09/2019 08:35

There is no one right way of dating though multidating is very common. I still don't though

What is really odd is him talking about the other dates. Being upfront about dating is good but he's rubbing your face in it and trying to make you jealous. Is he really insecure?

Making a new start may be best

MRex · 16/09/2019 08:39

he has been rubbing it in my face a bit
Not really the catch you were looking for, is he?

Original poster
Indie139 · 16/09/2019 08:42

Definately not. But as i said, i did think he was joking as i find it odd someone would do that. I have come to realise though that he does seem to be being serious. I will put an end to it today

OP posts:
whatshallIdo1 · 16/09/2019 08:46

Yes good plan, he sounds like an arse and not a very nice person.

sweepysue · 16/09/2019 09:53

OP you don't have to wait to put an end to it.

Don't give him any more of your time, just ghost him & block ASAP.

Don't even give him the satisfaction of thinking/knowing that you are pissed off as he will take this as you bring jealous - which I think this what he has been trying to manufacture all along,

Just block him from contacting you ASAP.

Block. Block. Block.

Let him wonder why this is when he tries to contact you later for your nightly video call Smile

sheshootssheimplores · 16/09/2019 11:44

Have you slept with him OP?

dollydaydream114 · 16/09/2019 12:01

I think people are misunderstanding what @GeorgiaGirl52 means by 'courting' - in America, that means there is an intention of marriage, so basically the girl's parents are suggesting her 16-year-old son can only go out with the girl if he thinks he will marry her one day. If anyone's ever seen the Duggar family documentaries, their kids are only allowed to 'court' and not 'date' - ie the assumption is that their romantic relationships must be preparation for getting married, not just a 'let's see where this goes' thing. Hence the comment that he's probably not going to be doing that until after he's finished college - he's unlikely to be getting married at uni!

OP - I think you basically have different expectations to this man. Neither of you is right or wrong, but you obviously have different ideas about what is and isn't OK so I think you're probably incompatible. He has been honest with you, so he's done nothing wrong, but YANBU not to want to date someone who is dating other women.

MRex · 16/09/2019 12:03

Good plan @Indie139, I hope your next one is better.

Original poster
Indie139 · 16/09/2019 12:40

No, I have not slept with him

OP posts:
VixenSixen · 16/09/2019 18:23

The fact he is telling you about all the other dates he is going on tells you all you need to know to be honest, he's trying to make you jealous, provoke a response from you and chase after him.

I have dated for a while and I have multi dated - 1st/2nd coffee dates etc, but I've never come across a guy who has bragged about going on other dates. That's just rude and a bit manipulative.

Leave him to his childish games and invest in something worthwhile x

Butchyrestingface · 16/09/2019 18:39

"He is NOT courting anyone until after he graduates and gets through college."

Sure he's not.

She said no courting, you cynic. Not no shagging.

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