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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please could I have some effective relationship advice?

26 replies

Aaaaarghh · 15/09/2019 15:52

Or does anybody know where I can find it online? Happy to pay for constructive email advice on most effective strategies for dealing with this sort of thing

On the whole I'm usually happy with our relationship. My DH is main earner as I'm on extended mat leave. He does some housework (odd bit of kitchen cleaning and tidying, cooking some days) which I appreciate. He's generous financially, and we get on well and before DS did more than his share of housework etc, I tend to now because I'm at home and can.

I feel perhaps disproportionately upset at his terminology when it comes to looking after our DS. For example today we were due to have a family day out but I could see he was stressed so I suggested he do his hobby (no really - it is outing, it's not cycling) this morning which he did all morning. This afternoon I asked him to watch DS for a couple of hours so I could do some housework and he said things like "you want me to just sit here and watch him then?" and I explained that he could or could go out or whatever - it's what I do 24/7. He seemed huffy about it which he often does and it really upsets me even though I don't know why my reaction is so extreme. I think it's because I know I'll get this response nearly every time like it's a huge favour and it surprises me as we'd always felt very equal before. I tried not to show it because I don't think it's helpful but he asked if I was cross because I didn't want to do the housework! Which it isn't at all, I just wanted to get some stuff done which is particularly tricky with DS around (not impossible, just tricky and I feel like it's reasonable on a weekend afternoon for him to join in playing with DS)

How do I tackle this in an effective way? He isn't an arsehole - at least not about anything else whatsoever - so I feel ill equipped to deal with this. Then he says I'm nagging or moaning which is infuriating because I feel like I'm simply stating that I'd like his help and when, and only "moan" if he acts like it's completely unreasonable! Aargh!

This may be a petty example but it's one of many.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aaaaarghh · 15/09/2019 15:54

When I say stressed, it was something reasonably minor but I knew he'd really enjoy going out and encouraged it and helped him prepare. I'm not at all being a martyr about not going on the day out, I was very happy to take DS out alone this morning just feel aggrieved that afterwards he thinks it's an imposition to look after his son for an hour or so. I did say I'd really appreciate it this afternoon

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/09/2019 15:57

I don't think you need to pay for advice; your DH really is just being an arsehole.

You have several options, but most people will tell you that he's being an arsehole and that his child is also his responsibility, so instead of asking if he'll look after him, you need to simply leave the house to do stuff you want to do and let your DH cope.

People only continue to behave this way if it's ignored or accepted when they try it the first time. Kick his arse and explain that you're going to be spending time doing stuff you want/need to do and that either he pulls his weight with childcare or you'll be looking at alternatives to your current situation.

itsmecathycomehome · 15/09/2019 15:59

Would it be better received if you offered him a few choices?

So, do you want to do the housework while I watch DS, or do you want to watch him while I do it, or should we do it together after he's gone to bed?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/09/2019 16:00

I did say I'd really appreciate it this afternoon

Why? Why would you appreciate it if he watched his own child whilst you did housework? That's not something to be grateful for, that's an automatic responsibility when you're a parent.

You need to set your bar a little higher; does he tell you how much he appreciates it that you're home with DC when he goes off on his hobby? When he comes in from work and doesn't have to do shit around the house does he tell you how much he appreciates that? Sounds like he's having his lazy bastard cake and eating it.

Thegullfromhull · 15/09/2019 16:03

Well. What advice would you like?
Your husband is parenting inadequately, presumably because he has some old fashioned ideas about gender roles that you never noticed before . No surprise there though, because all this stuff only comes to the surface really after the children come along.
I guess you have to look to his family constellation to see why he is how he is. Was his mum a sahm? Was his father lazy when it came to parenting , etc. And then see how much of that you want to play out in your own life. But be careful because this is the small stuff that leads to enormous resentment down the line.

DonPablo · 15/09/2019 16:04

He's having a laugh! He needs more time 1 on 1 with his son so he knows how to fill those two hours with him without having to ask or being arsey about it!

If he's capable in other areas of his like he's exercising willful incompetence when it comes to parenting and would get short shrift from me if he was my partner.

You don't need paid advice unless you want to pay for classes that teach your dh to parent without complaint. Although, I've never seen those advertised...

Thegullfromhull · 15/09/2019 16:06

Exactly. I’m not sure they do lazy bastard parenting courses for men. Pity.

Beechview · 15/09/2019 16:08

I would sit down and have a chat with him and ask him to tell you honestly why he feels he can not look after his child for a few hours so you can get things done.

Ask him if he thinks it’s fair.

Sometimes people find it difficult if things are sprung on them. Maybe he would respond better if he knew that he was expected to look after his dc for a few hours every weekend?
Perhaps routine it until he gets used to it.

Im trying to be generous here but I think any man who thinks his partner and child are against him or a hinderance when he’s asked to help is a total arse.

Beechview · 15/09/2019 16:09

He should also be looking after his child so you can get some time to yourself to do whatever the hell you want to do.
If he’s ‘on your team’, then he would.

Peakypolly · 15/09/2019 16:12

I think where you are going wrong is to ask him to watch DS. This gives him the option to agree to help as if he is doing you a favour. And he isn’t, he is looking after his DS while you are not available.
So I would say to DH “ I am (insert whatever) for a couple of hours. See you both later”. I just can’t understand this attitude on MN where a parent, usually the Father, has to be asked to care for their DC.

BrokenWing · 15/09/2019 16:18

"Would you like to hoover the lounge/up the stairs/halls/dust sills while I play with ds or play with ds?", great that's done, "ok, I've vacuumed/dusted, would you like to take a turn and clean the bathroom/ensuite or still play with ds?" (expect answer to be clean bathroom)

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2019 16:23

When do your get to do your hobby? Does he notice when you’re stressed and afford you the same consideration?

Original poster

Aaaaarghh · 15/09/2019 16:23

Thanks for these replies. Choices are a good one

I agree it's not right but it has surprised me and I've found myself at a loss as to how to react! I don't seem able to "give short shrift" effectively.

I think it's because I gave him the benefit of the doubt over some things that he was struggling with last year and now it's become the status quo.

I will explain how I'm feeling but it becomes nagging because he isn't listening and nothing changes. On the other hand in other ways our relationship is good and I want to stay in it hence looking for advice on the most effective things to say - in asking for that I'm not condoning his behaviour but looking for the most constructive way to get back on the same team. I know I can't make him want to but I feel it's at least worth trying

OP posts:

Original poster

Aaaaarghh · 15/09/2019 16:27

His friends do literally nothing at home regardless of their kids or whether their wife works full time, part time or is at home etc so that doesn't make it easy. In comparison he is dad and husband of the year

OP posts:

DuchessDumbarton · 15/09/2019 16:34

You want different things- you have a picture of the two of you working as a team to manage your new additional responsibilities which include childcare and housework.

However, he has very effectively delegated them, as he ( in his mind) is the "boss" and you are the "help".
There is no reason for him to change.

He may need to do some work, sulking and being rigid, but every time he does, he trains you all the better to find ways to manage your workload without bothering him.

So..... your choices are these.
Either suck it up, cos this is your life now.
Or,
Ask him to shape up or ship out.

Thegullfromhull · 15/09/2019 16:38

Perhaps the people he chooses to associate with are an indicator of his character?

TheWernethWife · 15/09/2019 17:08

Its not "help" its bloody parenting

Original poster

Aaaaarghh · 15/09/2019 17:10

FFS you are all correct! I've bloody let this happen

I am going to work on fixing it though because that's what I do - I'm not just going to accept that this is how things are, equally I'd like to save our marriage. I recognise it's a two way thing but I am going to think about how I can untrain myself and get us working differently

I feel a bit ambushed because I have a spine normally!

OP posts:

Watchingthyme · 15/09/2019 17:11

Go away for 2 weeks
That’s all that will help, it’s literally the simplest answer

But women never do that

DonPablo · 15/09/2019 17:12

Sometimes people find it difficult if things are sprung on them. Maybe he would respond better if he knew that he was expected to look after his dc for a few hours every weekend?

sprung on him?

if he knew that he was expected to look after his dc?

Say what? He's a fucking parent! I cannot believe that any man can honestly, truly need this pointing out to them or that anyone believes he doesn't know he has to parent.

DuchessDumbarton · 15/09/2019 17:21

"I've bloody let this happen",

Nope, I don't think you've got it yet.
It's a trap that many many women fall into.
You're at home on maternity leave, a statutory allowance recognising the physical impact of birth on mother, and the necessity of a small baby having a full-time carer available.
Instead of looking at it in these terms, many women seem to think that while they're at home, they will now take on all housekeeping/laundry and meal services for the family.

Time to re-set --- you say that he did more than his share before DS.
Well, that's your goal; to head back toward something approaching that.

If he asks again whether you want him to watch DS say yes. Get out of the house. Do a stockpile supermarket run, pick up nappies, get a plan for the garden. Don't be available in the house.
Or do the hoovering while you listen to a podcast.

Anything to do with DS - not your problem.
You'll have to toughen up woman.

swingofthings · 15/09/2019 17:26

Could the issue be with the timing? If he had planned to cut the grass, and you suddenly ask him to look after your boy so you can do housework, I could see why he would be annoyed.

I think the best way to work it out is to discuss plans in the morning, so that both knows what to expect and can plan accordingly.

olivesnutsandcheese · 15/09/2019 17:33

Have you thought about discussing the weekend before it actually starts. Like, what would you like to do? is there anything you specifically want to achieve etc. How shall we spend time with DS? It means you are listening to him but equally you can then say your piece. Eg the house really needs a hoover but i can't do that with DS during the week so can one of us entertain him, park, walk etc whilst the other gets this job done.

DonPablo · 15/09/2019 17:34

Could the issue be with the timing? If he had planned to cut the grass, and you suddenly ask him to look after your boy so you can do housework, I could see why he would be annoyed.

your boy, er, their boy, his boy. And why does he get to have planned a chore assuming the other parent will parent their child, yet op doesn't?

I genuinely cannot understand it being this way.

swingofthings · 15/09/2019 17:37

well yes, their boy obviously, it was just in the context of this thread.

He would have planned because he would have assumed she'd look after him, maybe because she normally does at this time.

It's not about who is right or wrong, it's about solutions, and the right solution when you have small children than need to be looked after is to discuss plans, both and work out who will do what and when, not every minute, but certainly if one expect to have one hour or more to do something.

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