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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to do about DS and phone?

29 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 15/09/2019 11:47

Hello Mumsnetters, can I ask for the benefit of your wisdom yet again?

DS 11 has my old iphone. I set up the screen time settings so he can’t download apps without asking first but he seems to have got around this somehow.

This morning I got his phone off him for one of my spot checks and he’d downloaded all sorts of weird dodgy apps. There was something called iPA4iOS, Chimera Jailbreak, Apps4iphone and Cydia something. There were a few others that I didn’t recognise as well. When the Chimera Jailbreak app was deleted it came up with a pop up that had a graphic of flames on, so not like your usual iphone pop up. DS also grabbed the phone and deleted something out of profiles, which is in the settings, general menu.

This was DS jailbreaking his iphone wasn’t it? The question now is what to do about it.

He’s had his phone removed and been grounded for a week twice before for looking at porn web sites. He came up with the usual excuses of ‘my friends told me to do it,; and ‘my friend borrowed my phone and must’ve looked at it,; so his phone history isn’t great. He’s also took off the glass screen protector that was on when I gave it to him, then dropped it and bust the screen. Also after I’d found out about the jailbreaking and he was in a strop DP walked into the living room and caught him snapping up one of my DVDs.

So, baring all this in mind, AIBU to remove the phone for good and just let him have the Nokia punishment phone for communication? Is this a bad enough offence, baring in mind previous offences, to just say he’s not having an iphone anymore and sell the thing?

Also, I’ve deleted all the dodgy stuff but will the phone be back to normal after a factory reset or is it compromised for good?

Help please oh women of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 15/09/2019 11:50

Yanbu. It's the Nokia of shame for him from now on.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 11:51

When does he turn 12? I think I would take it until then and give him the Nokia. When he gets it back at 12 I would be laying down some VERY clear rules and check the phone very frequently. If he breaks the rules again, it's gone until he's 13.

firawla · 15/09/2019 11:54

Yes I would remove it and give the Nokia, he’s breaching the trust you’ve given him so no more Iphone as he’s shown he is not responsible enough.

SleepyHiraeth · 15/09/2019 11:55

Jailbreaking an iPhone isn't necessarily a bad thing, but everything else is obviously an issue and he should be punished

BlueJava · 15/09/2019 11:55

I'd take it off him and give him an old Nokia or something which doesn't nothing but txt and call - that or nothing. I'd also tell him that he's proved he cannot be trusted so this is the consequence and his own fault. I'd review the situation in 6 months time, if he whinges (as mine did) I'dsimply extend the time by a month each time they whinge and mark it on the calendar. In my experience they stop moaning after the first extension! To get it back he has to agree to checks when ever you want as well and to hand over passwords - otherwise he loses it again. Draconian and a pain though!

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/09/2019 11:56

Nokia of shame! 😂😂

Totally agree. Tell him this is why he can’t have nice things.

MrsRufusdog789 · 15/09/2019 11:56

You won't be doing him any favours long term by giving him the IPhone back . The Nokia will do the job fine till he's more responsible.
Maybe get IPhone repaired and cleaned up and make it his main birthday present . He'll maybe value it more then .

Shittiestdayinalongtime · 15/09/2019 11:58

He can't be trusted with it, a phone is a privilege, not a right. He can have a plain Nokia that doesn't have app ect.

Cannotresist · 15/09/2019 12:01

An 11 year old should not have access to a smartphone. Especially an 11 year old who has accessed porn on their phone and presumably ignored your strict instructions on what they were and were not allowed to do.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/09/2019 12:05

At the age of 11 there is no need whatsoever for a child to have a smartphone. If they really need a phone to be able to be contactable then a basic phone like a Nokia will suffice.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 15/09/2019 12:23

He’s 12 in a month, so not long enough I don’t think.

The porn stuff, although I find utterly vile and unacceptable I can kind of understand his cureocity. Kids are surrounded by depravity on a scale we can’t comprehend and I’d be surprised if he didn’t even just look out of cureocity. He knows the unflinching line I take on it and that there will always be consequences for any porn related activity. FWIW I don’t think he’s really interested, he’s just morbidly curious.

The jailbreak think is different though. It’s a direct challenge to my authority and I’m not having it. He might think it’s just to get different games and cool apps but it’s more than that and he knows it.

It’s the Nokia of shame from now on, and it will be for at least another 6 months.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 15/09/2019 12:30

Give him the Nokia. Tell him there is a silver lining to having it. He won't have to charge it for a week! Smile

dollydaydream114 · 15/09/2019 12:34

Also after I’d found out about the jailbreaking and he was in a strop DP walked into the living room and caught him snapping up one of my DVDs.

If you have an 11-year-old who destroys your property when he gets told off, I think the phone is the least of your worries.

PositiveVibez · 15/09/2019 12:40

I also think you have bigger problems. Snapping your DVD's because he has been told off!

I can't believe how blase you are about him accessing porn.

He is 11 for godsake.

Jailbreaking iPhone, accessing porn, breaking your property.

I really don't think this is 'normal' 11yo behaviour

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 15/09/2019 12:43

I think his abusive asshat of a father might be to blame for that particular reaction. He used to do things like that to me. DS hasn’t seen his father for nearly two years now though and we’ve been away from him for six so hopefully the influence is fading. We’ve had a lot of emotional problems and behavioural issues to deal with in the interim. DS is lovely in most other respects so I think I’m doing well in reprogramming him.

I’m not going to go over board having a massive crisis about all this. As far as I’m concerned it probably comes from curious and cocky 11 yo behaviour, rather than anything more sinister. I’m having the phone off him though. He’s got to see consequences for his actions.

OP posts:
MrsElizabethShelby · 15/09/2019 12:48

@cannotresist and @idontwalk hear hear!

He had no need of a smartphone. My DC will not have one until they are minimum 13/14 depending on how responsible they turn out to be.

I don't care how much they 'hate' me for it.

Accessing porn at age 11 and you gave it him back! Jesus wept!

JonSlow · 15/09/2019 12:49

What about him grabbing things out of your hand?

You have some big problems here. I’d be looking at harsher punishments.

PooWillyBumBum · 15/09/2019 12:53

At DDs school smartphones are banned until year 9 and I wholeheartedly agree with this. Home time is family time. The phone is for the bus and she texts her friend across the road to arrange meeting up. No photos, no WhatsApp, less scope for cyber bullying.

I would remove the phone entirely for a period, yes.

DillyDilly · 15/09/2019 12:56

I absolutely amazed that you think it’s ok really for an 11 year old to be accessing porn.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 15/09/2019 12:57

I am not blasé about him accessing porn, that couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s had every conceivable blocker and parental control measure on his phone. I have talked to him a lot, in an age appropriate way about how harmful it is, both to women and then men who watch it. He had his phone removed for a week plus a week’s grounding both times. He knows I take a zero tolerance stance.

I’m not in the slightest doubtful of the stance I’ve taken, and will continue to take over it. I’ve done a lot more than a lot of parents and I’ve done all in my power to educate and shield him. He had a smartphone, like all his mates, he searched porn, he was punished and will be punished more severely each time. Now he’s having his phone taken away for something else. It’s not like I’m one of these parents who cba to even monitor their kids’ usage, let alone take measures to prevent inappropriate usage or enact consequences for it.

OP posts:
GiveMeHope103 · 15/09/2019 13:00

He doesnt deserve a phone. What's the debate about it? He has lied, and accessed porn. He cant be trusted and there is no reason a child should have one. As for the snatching it off you, he deserves the riot act instead of just a grounding. Too big for his age. He needs cutting down to size.

noblegiraffe · 15/09/2019 13:02

He can’t be trusted with a smart phone. He won’t start behaving when he gets it back, he’ll just get sneakier.

All this behaviour needs to be looked at as symptoms of a wider issue. It’s not normal for 11 year olds to be behaving like this and you will probably need some support in overcoming the effects of his dad’s influence which may start to resurface as puberty hits. The school should be able to put you in touch with people who can help, or useful resources.

Limensoda · 15/09/2019 13:05

Bloody hell!....what some parents will put up with before they take action!
His bad behaviour must have started before the phone issue? It should have been addressed way before he got that bad.
God help you when he's 15.
Get some professional help or advice as soon as you can.

JollyRocker · 15/09/2019 13:05

Absolutely do not let him have a smart phone until he has proven in some way that he is mature enough and sensible enough to be trusted with one. It sounds like this will take some time (probably years) so please do not give in at the first sight of him being lovely. Ultimately you are protecting him from a lot of filth and vile things out there and he is a child so you’ll be doing the right thing.

Kelsoooo · 15/09/2019 13:09

Some PPs haven't read your updates.

Have you accessed counselling for him?

Also I'd consider getting him involved in something that teaches him control and gives him his self respect

Taekwondo
Army/Navy/Air Cadets?

I'd stay away from football tbh.