AIBU Not "Sharing" With My Mum?

[SunshineAngel]

When I was (a lot) younger, my mum and I had quite a close relationship. But then things changed at home and she started using the family as an emotional punchbag.. then she split with my dad five years ago and the whole experience of that just ruined the whole family because of what/how things happened.

Now, I live with my partner, and if I'm honest I have minimal contact - though I do see my family every couple of weeks.

I've recently been struggling with depression and anxiety, and she found out through a mutual friend (not impressed that they talked about me, but whatever).

She sent me a text asking why I hadn't told her, and I just replied that it was private, and that I was dealing with it with my partner and a couple of best friends.

She then sent me a really long message saying she was "heartbroken" that I hadn't told her, as daughters should be able to tell mothers everything. She ended the rant by saying that I shouldn't bother replying as she didn't want to talk to me.

It's EXACTLY that kind of behaviour that made me not want to talk to her in the first place. What kind of message is that to send to your struggling daughter?

I spoke to her once about my anxiety, and she told me to get a grip. So why she thinks I'd want to tell her anything now is beyond me.

So now, she's not speaking to me, and not responding to any of my texts. It's been days. We're not speaking to DH's either for a separate reason, so it's all just really stressful.

But.. am I being unreasonable for NOT telling my mum about this kind of thing? Or is it okay for me to just keep it to myself if I want to? I just don't feel that we have that kind of relationship anymore. Even hugging her after a visit feels forced and awkward, and I'd rather not.

I hate feeling like this, but I don't think I can solve it once and for all until I'm happy to tell her a lot of home truths.. which WOULD upset her. Hence why I've kept those to myself for years.

This resonates with me. Is your relationship really all about her feelings and needs?
Why not give yourself permission to just ‘park’ your mother for a bit. Give yourself a breathing space. Don’t apologise though- you have done nothing wrong.

YNBU because you know her best. You knew she would make it all about her and she did. You need to look after yourself however you need to and just ignore her. When I was diagnosed with PND, DH went about telling everyone which I was really pissed off about but even worse was that neither set of DPs actually bothered to ask how I was doing. They still don't. I would take this opportunity to distance yourself from her. She wants you to text her, chase her, beg her, but it just reinforces an unhealthy dynamic. Have you had any counselling?

Thanks both. Yes blackcat, I have had counselling in the past, and currently waiting for more (as I've been fine for a while, it's just flared up again recently) so hopefully that will help. It did last time. GP has suggested meds but they just made me feel spaced out last time, which I didn't like, so I've asked whether I can try counselling on its own and she's said yes, but to keep meds in mind as they can help.

You don't have to tell your mum everything. I don't tell my parents everything. Generally my mum is a bit useless with the emotional side of things so I don't always go to her with those types of problems.

There have been a couple of things recently I've really struggled with in my life and didn't tell my parents about for a while. I've finally told them and they were disappointed I didn't come to them sooner. They didn't react like your mum though. They were more disappointed in themselves kind of way, that they weren't the people who could support me. But there was no fall out. More reassurance that they do always try their best for me.

YANBU. I’m glad you’re looking into more counselling. Your mother has no right to information about your health, especially as she’s not supportive.

Shades of my mother, when I let it slip to her that I'd suffered quite badly with post natal depression.

She was very hurt and upset that I hadn't told her.

I told her, 'why would I when you have made your opinion of people who 'wallow in self pity and think about themselves all the time, rather than getting a grip and keeping themselves busy' rather well known in times past?!

She shut up then.

You do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, and get yourself well.

I don't think you are in any way unreasonable to not tell your mum everything about your life, especially if she has reacted unsympathetically in the past and you know you won't get the any support from her.

My mother can be very narcissistic and if I had told her when I was struggling with anxiety and depression, would have somehow turned it around to make it all about her. So I didn't tell her. DH was very supportive, as were the close friends I told at the time and I didn't need to involve her in what was going on with me.

I would love to have the kind of relationship with my DM that some of my friends have with their mothers, but I don't and I accept that. For various reasons our relationship changed completely while I was a teenager and she would struggle to accept my issues with her behaviour. Every so often we do have an argument, but wherever the fault lies, I'm always the one to back down as she is a wonderful DGM to my DDs and they adore each other.

I try to make sure that my relationship with my own DDs is completely different to the one I have with my mother and hope that they continue to share with me in a way I would never now share with her.

If you can, step back from your mum for now. She's not responding to your texts or calls, so just leave her to it. You need to focus on yourself for now and her behaviour is not helping in the slightest.

Your mother sounds very narcisstic - everything that happens around her is a revolving door which always comes back to her - her feelings, her needs, her wants, her outrage.

Having had a mother like that, I know that there is no point at all in trying to reason with her or put your point across. I have fallen back on duty calls and the idea that nothing will change. I have to look after myself and my own emotional well-being.

Its all about her isn't it.

Always all about her. So you are struggling she finds a way to make this her show.

I have a mother like this, and the only way to manage her is to keep your distance and don't share things. The minute you do, it becomes about them. If you are finding things hard, the last thing you will need is the mother show and ensuing drama.

Take a step back from her (every few weeks is alot of visiting btw! I definitely wouldn't call that low contact) Leave your mother to contend with her own dramas. Your mh issues probably stem from her, so look elsewhere for support. You do not need to share anything with her. You are a fully grown adult, and can make your own choices.

Keep busy, see friends and talk to close friends about her behaviour, as well as your feelings. You need to start caring much less about her thoughts about everything, and spend far more time and energy on yourself. You need support, that is the last thing she is offering, so stay away and get better.

Going forward you would benefit hugely from having a truly low contact relationship with her, based on your own terms. Your MH comes before everything.

I tell mine very little. Partly, because if she can make it all about her she can, partly because I have to beg her not to tell my sibling (with whom I'm NC) and she usually will anyway, 'because she's your sister' and partly because she can't accept me being anything other than happy, so if I tell her I'm really upset about something she'll tell me I'm not and that will be that!

So she knows as little as possible. She generally thinks that I have a wonderfully care-free life, until she finds out something years later, at which point she gets upset I didn't tell her sooner. The amusing thing is I'm pretty sure she thinks we couldn't be closer, whereas in truth she's far closer to my sibling.

She then sent me a really long message saying she was "heartbroken" that I hadn't told her, as daughters should be able to tell mothers everything. She ended the rant by saying that I shouldn't bother replying as she didn't want to talk to me.

FFS she sounds wearisome. You're depressed, and she's making it all about her, and now she's ramped up the pressure on you by cutting you off emotionally.

I can see why you'd be annoyed with the friend, but she probably thought your mother would be supportive :(

Not replying to your texts is very controlling and nasty, she wants you to be upset. For your own sake, stop texting her and putting yourself in a subservient position. Her approval really isn't necessary for your happiness.

I withdrew massively from my mum when she tried to control me from afar, tried to organise my wedding etc (she didn’t pay). You don’t need to share everything, it’s not her right to know every detail of your life. As suggested, let her be for a while. I bet she comes running eventually.

Maybe a simple text message back "and this is EXACTLY why I tell you the bare minimum" would have brought her up sharp

Just draw your line in the sand and try not to let her ridiculous behaviour grind you down!

"So now, she's not speaking to me, and not responding to any of my texts."
Stop texting her. Seriously, just stop. And as for her not speaking to you, maybe see that as a silver lining.

You need to take care of you right now. You need to prioritise YOU, not her. Her reaction demonstrates that she is an incredibly selfish and self-centred person, and you don't need the stress. You have done nothing wrong. ((hugs))

I also wanted to say that I found it very helpful to build up a very strong network of people that were not my toxic family. It is a chosen family, and without them I am not sure where I would be. It meant I did not need to go my parents or ask for help. It meant I had friends around me that genuinely cared, and a harbour to hide in when life became too tough.

You knew on some level that confiding in your mother about your depression would not help you in any way, and could potentially make things worse, as it turns out you were right. Your instincts were spot on.

I knew the day I was lying in a hospital bed, and my mother was telling me how difficult to was for her for the best part of two hours, and then went off to tell all of her friends. It was at this moment I knew I would not be ringing her ever again the next time I was ill and hospitalised.

And I never did.

So op, now is the time for you to find your wings and learn to fly without her otherwise she will just drag you down.

It's obvious why you don't confide in her. She's made your depression all about her. People like this will never be supportive or empathic.

I wouldn't want to be sucked into that game of 'don't contact me because I don't want to speak to you'. It's just to guilt you into sending her lots of messages. Then she's back in control.

If my child was suffering from anxiety/depression, that would be my major concern, not whether they'd told me about it previously.

YANBU to not confide in her.

And by the way the last thing a depressed person with anxiety needs is to be cut off by their own mother, for what? Being ill and not being able to talk about it. What a cruel and heartless thing to do! She really does not give a flying f* about you or your well being op.

The only person here that needs to care about you now, is you.

Stop putting her needs first, block her and let her come to you with an apology when she has finished feeling sorry for herself.

Take the space that you have from her not texting and whining at you to mind yourself.

My mother is very similar, myself and my sister had fertility issues and she was so over involved in my sister's (it's all my fault, I have bad genes, eh you fecking don't thats how you have 4 suprise kids!) that I didn't tell her I was going through the same thing.

When my sister got pregnant, she kept on and on at me that I'd want to hurry up and get pregnant in case I had any problems. I finally told her we were trying unsuccessfully. Her response? You're a selfish c-word for putting this on me, dont you know I'm under so much stress???

The month I had "off" not talking to her was bliss. Then I got pregnant and all the squishy hormones made me let her back in. Worst decision ever.

tkband3. Do you not have any worries that your dds may ultimately suffer in the way you have suffered with their dgm?

f my child was suffering from anxiety/depression, that would be my major concern, not whether they'd told me about it previously

Most decent, caring parents would respond as carthage says. The normal reaction might be:' I wish I had know before, but what matters now is you, what can I do to help?'

or

'I understand why you feel you can't speak about it, I am always here if you need me, and I will do everything I can to support you in the meantime'

Your mother's reaction is not normal or healthy.

Once the scales fall from your eyes regarding narc parents, it is impossible to not see them for what they are.
You might find it becomes increasingly difficult to have a relationship with her, because you will see that it is always all about her, and you may finally decide you have had enough of the me, me me show.

Shades of my mother also. I remember begging her not to tell anyone about my miscarriage as I needed a bit of time to get my head around it. Pleaded with her. She said she had no choice but to tell her cousins (who both phoned daily for a gossip), as they would wonder why she hadn’t answered the phone if she was out.

She was a woman that couldn’t put herself in someone else’s position unless she’d been there herself.

It was all about her, her need to talk, her feeling awkward about making an excuse for being out, much easier for her to tell whoever she wanted to. My feelings were secondary to her needs and wants.

You are not being unreasonable and your mother is acting like a martyr. You’re now wasting valuable energy chasing her

Just stop.

You’ll feel better.
Use that energy on you. x

I echo pp. It's all about her and how SHE feels. She's heartbroken that you didn't tell her??? She should be apologising that she wasn't there for you, and asking what she can do to help.
Take a step back - you don't need this.
Sorry you're having a difficult time.

I would be texting back to her exactly what you have said in your post, explaining exactly why you didn’t tell her, explaining what impact she has had on you and that she needed bother contacting you again. It will be hard, but you have the rest of your family and your friends. You don’t need so done toxic in the mix, and she needs to know she can’t hurt you again