AIBU Not "Sharing" With My Mum?

[SunshineAngel]

When I was (a lot) younger, my mum and I had quite a close relationship. But then things changed at home and she started using the family as an emotional punchbag.. then she split with my dad five years ago and the whole experience of that just ruined the whole family because of what/how things happened.

Now, I live with my partner, and if I'm honest I have minimal contact - though I do see my family every couple of weeks.

I've recently been struggling with depression and anxiety, and she found out through a mutual friend (not impressed that they talked about me, but whatever).

She sent me a text asking why I hadn't told her, and I just replied that it was private, and that I was dealing with it with my partner and a couple of best friends.

She then sent me a really long message saying she was "heartbroken" that I hadn't told her, as daughters should be able to tell mothers everything. She ended the rant by saying that I shouldn't bother replying as she didn't want to talk to me.

It's EXACTLY that kind of behaviour that made me not want to talk to her in the first place. What kind of message is that to send to your struggling daughter?

I spoke to her once about my anxiety, and she told me to get a grip. So why she thinks I'd want to tell her anything now is beyond me.

So now, she's not speaking to me, and not responding to any of my texts. It's been days. We're not speaking to DH's either for a separate reason, so it's all just really stressful.

But.. am I being unreasonable for NOT telling my mum about this kind of thing? Or is it okay for me to just keep it to myself if I want to? I just don't feel that we have that kind of relationship anymore. Even hugging her after a visit feels forced and awkward, and I'd rather not.

I hate feeling like this, but I don't think I can solve it once and for all until I'm happy to tell her a lot of home truths.. which WOULD upset her. Hence why I've kept those to myself for years.

Are you genuinely asking if you are being unreasonable? She finds out you have a serious illness, depression and makes it all about her? Her distress is not that you are ill but that she didn't know first. Then she rounds off by ensuring you get no support from her by huffing at you. I'd steer well clear of her unless you are feeling very well and strong.

Don't use any more energy on her for now. Stop texting her. You don't have to make any permanent decisions but take a break from her for a while.

"So now, she's not speaking to me, and not responding to any of my texts."
Stop texting her. Seriously, just stop. And as for her not speaking to you, maybe see that as a silver lining.

This is what I picked up on, also having a mother around whom the world must revolve. She is now aware you have anxiety/depression and she is ignoring your texts. What a fantastic mother, her daughter is struggling and she's making it harder. Step away, there's a reason you didn't share this with her, and step away from whoever told her as well.

YANBU not to tell her but I think it's understandable that she was hurt that she found out from someone else.
I wouldn't make any big decisions about going nc just now. I also wouldn't send a big dramatic text. As my GP told me, when you're depressed and anxious,it isn't the time to make big decisions.
If it would help, write her a letter, pour everything into it. Then put it away. Don't send it. You're struggling atm. Focus on you and leaning on the support you do have.

I wouldn't respond telling her this is why you didn't confide - not unless you want a huge drama over deliberately not confiding and cutting her off, what did she do, dragging other family into it.

If you must text, just send a non-committal "OK - let me know when you're ready." and leave it at that.

YANBU! And I hope you're soon feeling better.

I always tell my adult DC that they can tell me anything but they don't have to tell me everything. It works well until DH expects to know stuff I've been told in confidence.

Your DM is being less than helpful and more than entitled.

OP - l have a great mum. She'd give me her last penny and would drop everything and come if l needed her..... but...I STILL don't tell her everything because l can't be doing with her OTT concern.

So please do what YOU need to do to get through each day .... and from what you're saying by having minimal or even no contact for a while is the right way forward

Take a step back from this OP, you have enough to deal with, It sounds like you have good friends and a supportive DH. Just know its her and not you, its hard as she is your mum and should have dealt with it differently, even if she was hurt you didn't come to her, its your choice, just because she gave birth to you, doesn't mean she is the best person in your life to share these things with.

Stop texting her. Why are you chasing her when she is in the wrong? Go low communication with her, let her approach you. I understand why you don't feel able to communicate your true feelings to her, I can't do it with my parents either, but at least take advantage of this opportunity to have some space from her.

Sorry you're dealing with this, but I echo some others' advice - STOP texting her. That's exactly what she wants, as you know. Just let her wallow in her drama and take care of yourself.

Oh I feel for you OP!!! It took years of counseling and some very bitter fights for me to learn how to put up appropriate boundaries. You are definitely smart to keep her on minimal information.

as daughters should be able to tell mothers everything.
Utter rubbish, at 71 I've never shared anything private or healthwise with anyone, I've had all kinds of scares etc. I suppose at my age I really can't understand why people feel the need to 'share' with all and sundry.

Thanks everyone for the support. It might sound weird asking if I'm being unreasonable, but as lots of people with MH issues know, you really start to second guess yourself, and wonder which thoughts are you and which are the MH, if that makes sense.

To the poster who said visiting every few weeks isn't low contact.. we only live a 20 minute drive from each other, and she would meet up several times a week if I would allow it (in fact she would probably like me to move back in, deep down) but I can't do that to myself.

The person who said she is possibly at the root of my issues has a point, too. It's by no means the sole problem (I was in an abusive relationship before meeting this partner), but she was definitely controlling and made me worry about doing or saying things wrong during childhood, and that has stuck with me to the extent that I can be far too needy and clingy as a friend or partner. I'm working on it, and getting better!

She sent me a text this morning to ask how I was, so I replied that I was feeling better than last week (I was) and she replied almost immediately saying I didn't have to hide things from her, and I could tell her how I really felt. I was genuinely feeling better, it wasn't even a lie! Not perfect, but better.

She's also started talking about Christmas and where I am spending it this year. Apparently at home with my partner but I'll come and see you in the morning wasn't the right answer. I'm not budging on that, though. I mean to be as happy as possible on Christmas Day, and that means spending it with the person who is currently my greatest support in life.

Thanks again for the lovely comments everyone x

My mum wasn't the greatest at emotional support, i've had OCD since i was 5 and depression since i was 13 and she just couldn't deal with it at all. She quickly lost her temper at me for the way i had to do things. The kicker was her getting drunk one new years eve, coming home alone without my dad or sister, and me getting a full on 15 minute rant of her hysterical crying til they also got home, telling me how shit her life was, because of my severe MH issues, and telling me i ruined her life by having me. It destroyed our relationship, and i struggled massively when she was diagnosed terminal cancer out of the blue just a year later and switched overnight to wanting to tell me repeatedly that she loved me and wanting cuddles etc when she just wasn't that kind of person previously. However i wish more than anything she was still here.

I'm incredibly lucky though my dad is fantastic, my best friend, can tell him anything, close as can be. I even discuss my smear test and the likes with him, there's nothing we can't talk about and i know im very lucky to have that.