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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him I want an answer?

36 replies

northeatswest · 15/09/2019 09:32

I had such amazing help from everyone last time I posted last week.
In short my partner walked out on us and said he wanted ‘ space’
I have a DS from previous relationship and we have a baby DD together.

He apologised for how he left and basically said he wanted to think about things, he saw DD on Wednesday he popped round just before she went to bed but other than that we’ve not spoke. The plan was we would see him today as my DS is at his dads, luckily this week I’ve been able to throw him off and say partner is away with work.

But in short I’m fed up of waiting, it might only be 8 days but my DS is at home next weekend.. would I be unreasonable to tell partner he needs to decide before then to minimise distruption to DS?
I just worry he will say I’m ‘ pressuring ‘ him to decide etc, but realistically for me he should know ?
I’m just abit torn as to wether I should wait this out or basically give an ultimatum. He can be quite snappy and turn things on me so I’d rather avoid that

OP posts:
AJoeySpecial · 15/09/2019 09:37

If I were you I’d make the decision for him and tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
northeatswest · 15/09/2019 09:41

I wish I could but I want it to work so much Sad

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/09/2019 09:42

If he’s snappy and turns things on you then it won’t will it?

Trafalger · 15/09/2019 09:45

Why do you want it to work with someone who doesn't give a shit and who walks out on you? I understand your feelings as years ago I did the same and waited while someone decided what they wanted. I realised a couple of years later when it all went to shit again that I had put all my energy in waiting for them to make the decisions that affected us. Nowhere did I put my own wants and decisions into the equation. My advice is just to ignore him completely. Get on with making a new life for you. He's probably liking the fact of keeping you hanging around waiting and the control that gives him. What if he does this again in a few years? Take back the control and have a happy life.

AJoeySpecial · 15/09/2019 09:45

I agree. He’s snappy, turns things on you, left, won’t give you a straight answer and if you post more about your relationship they probably won’t be the only red flags. Things won’t ‘work’, he might come back, but for how long? Is that really what you want for you and your children?

73Sunglasslover · 15/09/2019 09:46

I think this will have the effect of pressurising him. If you're feeling like you're still willing to stay together even with this happening, then I think you need to give him more time than this. Your DS is probably more resilient than you think and how he reacts will depend very much on what you say to him (and how you are when you say it), so perhaps focus on that instead.

Original poster
northeatswest · 15/09/2019 09:58

I fully understand people telling me to walk away, I’d probably say the same to someone else. But when it’s your own family I just really want it to work, if we were never happy I’d agree but we are and this is crushing me. Embarrassingly I’m just worried I could ruin any chance if I did try and sort it I just don’t know what to do for the best

OP posts:
AJoeySpecial · 15/09/2019 09:59

Ok, good luck with everything Flowers

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2019 10:00

Tell him to fuck off
Seriously.
Don't allow him to treat you like an option

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 10:01

He wants space because he's with another woman. I'm sorry, but it's true. Don't be a doormat for anyone.

Original poster
northeatswest · 15/09/2019 10:02

I really don’t believe he’s with another woman, he is staying at his mums. He goes to work and goes home, another woman isn’t something I’m particularly worried about

OP posts:
messolini9 · 15/09/2019 10:07

Embarrassingly I’m just worried I could ruin any chance if I did try and sort it I just don’t know what to do for the best

He's really done a number on you.
He's behaving appallingly, & has you convinced that YOUR responses are to blame.
He has you dangling on a string, desperate for a crumb of hope or attention.
Can you not see how destructive this is to your mental health, & how it takes away all of your personal autonomy?
You are waiting for another person to make you happy. That is the wrong way about things even when the other person happens to be nice. Your other person isn't nice. From what I remember of the last thread, he's going to be going to prison anyway, so what are you looking to get out of any reconciliation?
FFS he came home to see his dogs, knowing that his kids were at school so he wouldn't have to face them. He's also a steaming, aloholic, criminal shit.

You are going to be so much happier when you take responsibility for you & your family's happiness - without this loser in it. If you keep waiting for him, & letting him dictate all the shots, you are going to be miserable.

Very simple choice, isn't it?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 10:07

You know, op, it really doesn't matter if there's another woman or not. He A ABANDONED you and the children. Because he needs "space?" Is he 14? He is a selfish, self-serving bastard of the highest order. How fucking care he treat you so cruelly. Why you would want that twat back I'll never know, because he will do it again.

Original poster
northeatswest · 15/09/2019 10:10

Sorry I’m not sure if that was a different thread but he definitely isn’t going to prison! Nor has he come home to see the dogs I think that must have been someone else.

I completely agree with some things people are saying , I’d have said the same to someone else. But I want my family together so much. It means the world to me

OP posts:
Densol999 · 15/09/2019 10:11

He sounds very stressed to me and running away from it all. Give him what he asks - space. Let him work it out in his head. I know you want an answer but that will just pile on the pressure.
Its very easy for MN's to say "leave the bastard" but its not their lives, its yours. The more space he gets the faster he may decide, but you cant make him. If it becomes an unreasonable time, then that will be the time you make the decision for him, but not yet.
Hope it does work out for you Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/09/2019 10:13

I'm with everyone else that you should tell him to fuck off... but if you can't, then I think you need to leave it until he makes his choice. I'd spend the time preparing yourself for it not being you, though. If it's been eight days and he isn't missing you and doesn't want to sort things out, that doesn't bode well.

If he does come back after so much time, I'd expect his behaviour will get worse and he'll run off whenever you upset him, but you have to make the call to leave and we can't do it for you.

Don't let him blindside you if he doesn't come back.

messolini9 · 15/09/2019 10:13

@northeatswest - APOLOGIES I have confused you with a different poster, & now I've checked, want to take back the bits where I wrongly accuse your DP of alcoholism & criminal activity!

However ... the most important part still stands: you CANNOT let him ride roughshod over you like this. He is being remarkably cruel & selfish. The sooner you are rid of him the sooner you can start to feel better. Honestly - you will not recognise yourself once you have removed the source of all this awful emotional see-sawing.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 10:13

It takes both of you to want to keep your family together, and you already know his answer. Sadly, this just isn't going to happen, so you can either accept it now and move forward with dignity, or continue to live in denial while he shatters your self-esteem and self-worth. It's your choice.

Lamentations · 15/09/2019 10:13

Fucking hell. I need 'space' from my OH and DC all the time but I don't just bugger off because I've made a commitment and I'm a parent.

What a horrible man. He isn't going to come back and suddenly turn into a loving, committed partner and father who doesn't snap at you just because he's had a good think. Try to get the courage up to tell him not to come back yourself and at least you'll have your head held high.

NavyBlueHue · 15/09/2019 10:16

Honestly... if he’s done this once he’ll do it again and again. Do you want that for your life? Do you want that for your children’s lives?

You’re handing him all the power here sadly.

Babdoc · 15/09/2019 10:20

OP, where is your self respect? Are you seriously going to sit and patiently wait while his majesty decides if you make the grade, and are worth him graciously condescending to come back to?
And if he returns, what then? Will you be expected to be pathetically grateful, and walk on eggshells for evermore, so he doesn’t decide to leave again?
Listen to the Beautiful South song “A little time”. And tell him that the space he wants is his to keep, permanently. While you enjoy your own space and freedom. LTB.

Nousernameforme · 15/09/2019 10:21

Well as I said on your last post I would have given him to the following monday 9am for a answer. Ywnbu to phone him now and say cards on the line last chance are you staying or going.

Do not listen to any bluster if he gives you all the this is so hard I don't know bollocks then choose for him. If it isn't an enthusiastic yes from him then know that you deserve better and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/09/2019 10:29

Was he the one who said it was all your fault for ruining things when you texted him to see if he was ok?

If so he is treating you appallingly

If not maybe he does genuinely need some thinking time. But please use this time as well. To think about what you want. What do you want to change in the relationship going forward? What will make you happy? If he comes back with a list of demands what approach are you going to take? I'd suggest if you just accept them all to get him to come back, this will change the power dynamic so much it wont be healthy, you will be walking on eggshells forever. You need to know if he comes back that it's because he loves you and he is sure and not going to do this to you again.

I would also suggest making some contingency plans for if he doesnt come back.

If he does want to come home I would suggest counselling as it's important to work out what went wrong and how to make your relationship stronger.

But please if he is asking for unreasonable things (eg I can only continue in this relationship if I can go out any night I want without notice and you dont check up on me, or if we never see your family again, or something) dont just accept them for the sake of keeping the family together. And if he keeps on dithering or blames you for his behaviour, do your kids a favour and make the decision for him before the youngest is old enough to understand

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 15/09/2019 10:31

He's been gone for over a week! He doesn't need space, he's abandoned you and his responsibilities to his child. If you let him back now you are paving the way for this being how he resolves any disagreement. He'll out, stay gone for a few days then walk back in when he deems you to be sorry enough for whatever happened. You'll constantly start to worry about upsetting him in case he walks out again, will it be in front of the kids next time? How often can you lie about him being away for work? Will he start an argument so he can walk out and mess up your plans to go out/see friends etc?

Making a family work at the expense of your own happiness is not the way to go.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/09/2019 10:35

OP, unless he comes back apologising deeply and sincerely for putting you through this shit, you will be happier without him.

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