To tell him I want an answer?

[northeatswest]

I had such amazing help from everyone last time I posted last week.
In short my partner walked out on us and said he wanted ‘ space’
I have a DS from previous relationship and we have a baby DD together.

He apologised for how he left and basically said he wanted to think about things, he saw DD on Wednesday he popped round just before she went to bed but other than that we’ve not spoke. The plan was we would see him today as my DS is at his dads, luckily this week I’ve been able to throw him off and say partner is away with work.

But in short I’m fed up of waiting, it might only be 8 days but my DS is at home next weekend.. would I be unreasonable to tell partner he needs to decide before then to minimise distruption to DS?
I just worry he will say I’m ‘ pressuring ‘ him to decide etc, but realistically for me he should know ?
I’m just abit torn as to wether I should wait this out or basically give an ultimatum. He can be quite snappy and turn things on me so I’d rather avoid that

Sadly I am watching the same thing happening in my family. The wanting space is quite selfish. If a person is not happy in the relationship the least they should do is try to talk think through, not just up-sticks and run back to your mum. I understand how much you want to keep your family together,but if he does come back what will your life be like. Will he just come and go every time his responsibilities get too much for him. I would have to ask him this question.

Op, I think the most enticing (for want of a better word) thing you can do is to make plans for the reality of him not being there.

Talk to him about how things are going to work; "I was thinking you can see DD on ..." "We need to sort out maintenance going forward", splitting childcare and costs etc.

for you, I've been there and it's miserable. The best thing my self esteem and mental health was putting some distance between us. Your own life awaits you, not dictated by him.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It does just feel utterly rubbish. I’m unsure if mums are just programmed differently but I can’t even get my head about the fact he’s barely seen our DD all week. That alone would eat me up

This thread is really sad to read. He’s off doing whatever the fuck he wants, because he wants to while you’re at home, raising your children alone, agonising over him and praying for a scrap of attention.
I know you want it to work but think about this really carefully. Is this the life you envisaged for yourself? Is this what you want from a relationship? Is this how you want to model relationships to your daughter? If he does come back, won’t you be always wondering if this will happen again?

You say you aren’t worried about another woman? I’d put money on it.

No man is worth losing your self respect.

It IS hard. You want so much for him to be the man you thought he was, you want this to be a 'blip' or depression or something else making him act out of character and to hear that he loves only you.

I get that.

But I think you know, deep down, that something is very very wrong. A man who loves you and your children won't need 'space'. If he feels things going wrong he will sit down and talk to you about it. He won't run back to his mum to escape.

So I'd say, give him that 'space' he wants so badly. Be detatched, be impersonal. Talk to him only about the children, and only very short answers. Don't push him for anything. Show him that you are independent, that you can manage perfectly well without him. If he's been worrying about being pressurised, then you showing that you are capable and the whole house doesn't rest on his shoulders should reassure him, and if he's being a childish dick then you've kept your dignity.

To be blunt OP, he won't want you if you sit meekly waiting with your life on hold, or worse, pester and chase him. And why would he? Both show you have zero self respect or self esteem so why would he respect you or see your worth?

The best thing you can do is get on with your life, do things and spend time with people that make you happy, make it clear that you're not waiting around, you're moving on. If he's suddenly going to wake up and realise he wants you it will be seeing you doing fine without him that does the trick.

Of course I say this with the hope that by the time he realises what he's lost you will have realised you're better off without him, because you are, you just won't see it while you're focusing on whether he's going to deign to come back.

I’m unsure if mums are just programmed differently but I can’t even get my head about the fact he’s barely seen our DD all week. That alone would eat me up

No, it's cos he's an arsehole. Caring and loving parents feel upset if they can't see their kids. Arseholes, like him, don't. It's not a failing on your part.

Assume he has permanently gone. Live your life and make decisions on that basis. If he wants to come back evaluate that against the new life you’ve started to live. It stops you passively hanging around on his terms and gives you a better baseline against which to evaluate if you want him back.

You will never be happy with this man. You will be walking on eggshells, second guessing yourself and accepting worsening behaviour.

Think about the relationships you want your children to have, do you want them to think the way you're being treated is ok/normal?

Why don't you start focusing on yourself and moving forward? Currently, it seems like you're stuck on the pause button, waiting for him to come back. Even if he does come back, he will never change.

He's done a real number on you and you deserve much better.
I wish you luck and happiness.

Why have you given him all decision making powers? If he wanted to be with you he would, he wouldn’t need time to think. It’s not right Op you need to think about moving on