Not wanting to hide my arms from my child

[jaylasw]

Hello, just looking for some advice. My arms are very, very heavily scarred from self harming as a teenager. It's taken a lot of counseling and medication for me to be in a much better place. It took even longer for me to accept that there's no changing my past and my scars are forever, I can hide under long sleeves or just embrace it the best I can. My DS is 2 and obviously has no idea why my arms look that way, nor does he care. My Father however does. Hes got used to my arms over the years, but ever since giving birth he never stops going on about hiding them from my DS as im 'setting a bad example' , which might lead him doing something similar in the far future. Plus he always asks me what l will tell my DS when he knows they look different, and asks why. Honestly? I don't know what I'll say, but that's the last thing on my mind until he brings it up. I really just don't know what to do, I feel like he's right in ways, i don't want to go back to hiding myself for years and years again, but of course I never want my son to see them as 'normal' and think he should ever do the same, sorry for the long post. just not sure whats best for my DS growing up.

I wonder if your father wants you to hide/deny not just for DS, but because he feels somewhat guilty that, as your parent, he wasn't able to stop you or make everything better for you at the time? It is, after all, a permanent external reminder that at one time you were internally suffering, something any decent parent is desperate to prevent.

I'm with those who say it's a good way of introducing the subject of seeking help when he feels bad, instead of internalising it and harming himself. I don't believe in lying to children as when they find out the truth they will very likely lose trust in you, but obviously the truth has to be delicate and age-appropriate. So probably just go with the "happened when I was young" sort of gloss for now and the deeper stuff when he's quite a lot older.

Also much better for him to get used at an early age to the sight of Mummy's arms as just Mummy's arms, the arms that hug him etc, i.e. the best arms in the world! If he never saw them and then suddenly one day did, and they didn't look how he believed arms should look, it could be a horrible shock. The less of a big deal you make of it, the less of a big deal he will see it to be.

Bottom line: I think you're right, and your father has his own issues.

Ach, while I was taking time composing a massive screed, WLmum and Nubianjewess said it all, but better.

It’s good to read your post OP, because lately I’ve been thinking about the same thing. I have very faint self harm scars on my thighs - I don’t cover them, unless you look closely I don’t think they’re noticeable but I do think it’s something my DS will eventually spot. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer for you - I think it’s about what you’re comfortable with. I personally would prefer my DS not to notice mine, and have been thinking about getting a tattoo to cover them as a pp has mentioned, but obviously yours will probably be more difficult to ‘hide’ and if you’re no longer worried about them I think there’s nothing wrong with your DC seeing them.

@icecreamsundae32 getting a tattoo is something I was thinking about, my scars are quite faint but was still unsure how well it would work - did it cover the scars adequately for your friend?

It is so amazing that you are in a good place now. My D self harms and the shame that goes with it is awful. Please don’t feel shame anymore and don’t lie but at the same tome I agree with PP you def don’t have to say everything all at once. The PP who said first step would be “they are from when I was ill.” Sounds like a good start.

Don’t hide.

The one thing I know is that secrets kept hidden from children damage them in ways you don’t realise. You think you’re protecting them. In reality they know you’re hiding something and that’s scarier than the truth.

Of course you’re not going to advertise the reasons behind your scars but your DS will grow up not even noticing them and when the time comes that he asks tell him in age appropriate ways.

Honestly. You’ll do him more harm hiding secrets from him. Especially ones like this that aren’t that bad and are something he can eventually come to understand easily without any big dramatic unveiling.

Oh my goodness, the typos in my post earlier . I hadn't had any tea yet.

I have never self harm so my comments might not be relevant.

I dint think you should cover them unless YOU feel uncomfortable about showing them to EVERYONE.
They are part of you and your history. Just like you might have scars from surgery because of, let’s say ulcerative colitis. These scars are the visual sign that, at some point in your life, you were unwell. And now you’re not.
Your Father is wrong to think your ds could ‘catch the self harming’ (and I’m pretty sure you know that) and he is wrong to think it’s something you should be ashamed of (which is what hiding your arms from your ds would be).

@Nubianjewess, if the father (or mother as it is the case for a good friend of mine) feels uncomfortable about seeing the scars p, feels guilty etc... then it is up to him/her to seek counselling to deal with those feelings.
It is not up to the OP/person who used to self harm to do something to hide them so they feel better/can forget it ever existed. The OP is not responsible for the way her father feels about self harm.

place marking - my DD has self harmed and will have this problem too.

Thanks for the question and the wisdom, will come back and read properly.

This is something I'd never thought about really. I have a lot of self harm scars dating back over 20 years, mainly on my legs but some on my arms. I've sort of come to accept them as part of me so never really go to any length to cover them up.

My DS is 3, and hasn't ever asked any questions, so I'm reading this with interest as I'd never thought about what I'd do if he does ask. I'd probably say they were from years ago, and tell him at a more age appropriate time (8+ onwards) as I suspect he's going to be quite like me in regards to being over sensitive and overwhelmed with the world like I was. I don't want to give him an idea that it's an appropriate way of dealing with that worldly frustration.

to all those in this situation though. In many years SH free but often when very overwhelmed lapse into thinking it's a coping strategy.

I wouldn’t lie.

I’d say ‘they’re scars from a long time ago’
‘I got them when I was poorly’ etc until asked directly.

I do want to normalise mental health issues for my children. I don’t see that as an issue.

Normalising mental health issues in general is no problem but learning that your parent harmed themselves can be very scary for a young child. It can feed anxiety (if I'm naughty will she do it again, mummy's sad is she going to hurt herself again) for a long time and the child is very unlikely to share that anxiety with you. I cant see that hiding the scars is helpful but neither do I think the full truth needs to be told til adolescence.

I don't think you should hide them and also think you should be honest with your dc in a child appropriate way, e.g. This is what mummy did when I was really sad, but I am much better now and realise it was a bad idea and I never want you to feel like that so always know you can talk to me etcetc. when he is old enough. We need to be open about mental health and kids can take it. It will help him.

I've never covered up my scars in front of my children. They've never really noticed or mentioned them. I had planned on saying to younger children that they were scars from when I was ill when I was younger, but honestly, when they were little they were just part of me and no more worthy of comment than stretch marks. But DD is 13, and I have mentioned it a bit in the course of general chats about mental health.

I've had kids comment on mine in the past. I simply say I was ill and I was hurting and that's why they're there. (One little girl I know then said she thought they were from twigs growing through my skin, which I thought was quite sweet and funny.)

The bigger issue here is your dad, you need to have a chat with him about it. My mum insisted I cover mine up around my grandparents when I was a teenager, but I haven't since I left home. I don't think they've even noticed, of if they have they've never said anything.

I think it is best to be open about these things in a child appropriate manner. The last thing you want or should be doing is perpetuating the stigma associated with mental health.

I was given a piece of advice that has always worked well "Answer children's questions as truthfully as their age/knowledge allows but offer no additional info unless/until they ask for more"

Just tell your father you will play it by ear as and when it crops up and that you need him to stop drawing attention to them. If your son asks him then he's to say "Mummy's arms got hurt" and say no more. If he asks another question he's to say "you'll have to ask Mummy."

If there is one thing I've learnt is that children just accept things at face value and the penny will usually drop at the point at which they are able to understand.

3yo ds has never asked. I don't cover them up and won't. I also tell the truth about things when DS asks, so if he does I'll say they are scars which happens when you get hurt and it mends, then point out his chicken pox scar and my piercing scar.

I've never really considered it an issue!

I know that children who see their parents drunk when they are young are more likely to drink heavily when they are older, and those that know their parents took illegal drugs when they were young are more likely to take illegal drugs themselves

It’s way more complex than you suggest. Same with mental health issues.

To suggest that because the OP doesn’t want to be open about one part of her struggle, she will discourage her kids from talking about her mental health, is ridiculous.

I do think your dad is probably sensible to badger you a bit about knowing what to say.

Nope. It is not his business and not his place to judge. Harping on about it is being supportive and surely won’t be great for the OP’s MH either?

The OP can decide how to deal with it and it isn’t up to anyone to insist she is wrong, especially not her father.

I know that children who see their parents drunk when they are young are more likely to drink heavily when they are older, and those that know their parents took illegal drugs when they were young are more likely to take illegal drugs themselves

Yes but I don’t think anyone here was actually talking about self harming in front of their child doing that and discussing scars from past self harm are two completely different things.

I think you have a Dad problem not a son problem.
If I were you if he asked I just say they are scars. Children don't need many explanations they are very accepting.
You have done the hard work by getting counselling.
Your Dad is the one struggling still. Forgive him because he probably has guilt over it. Have a conversation with him and hopefully you can put this to bed.
Your son will be fine he hasn't got any baggage relating to your scars. The same as if you had scars from a burn or accident.

Yes but I don’t think anyone here was actually talking about self harming in front of their child.

I didn’t suggest anyone was. I was pointing out that simply knowing when you are young that your parents did something may make you more likely to do it too. I was suggesting the OP find out the situation is with regard to self harm so she can make an informed decision about whether or not to be candid about the cause of the scarring while her child is young.

@PuffHuffle5 to be honest I'm not sure as I haven't seen that friend for a couple of years now but I remember at the time thinking your eyes were obv drawn to the arm more than they would have otherwise been. But I guess that depends how visible/big scars are and what kind of tattoo you might get?

You got the scars from fighting a great big horrible beast. Thankfully, you managed to fight the beast off and it hasn't been back since.