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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to hide my arms from my child

73 replies

jaylasw · 15/09/2019 04:00

Hello, just looking for some advice. My arms are very, very heavily scarred from self harming as a teenager. It's taken a lot of counseling and medication for me to be in a much better place. It took even longer for me to accept that there's no changing my past and my scars are forever, I can hide under long sleeves or just embrace it the best I can. My DS is 2 and obviously has no idea why my arms look that way, nor does he care. My Father however does. Hes got used to my arms over the years, but ever since giving birth he never stops going on about hiding them from my DS as im 'setting a bad example' , which might lead him doing something similar in the far future. Plus he always asks me what l will tell my DS when he knows they look different, and asks why. Honestly? I don't know what I'll say, but that's the last thing on my mind until he brings it up. I really just don't know what to do, I feel like he's right in ways, i don't want to go back to hiding myself for years and years again, but of course I never want my son to see them as 'normal' and think he should ever do the same, sorry for the long post. just not sure whats best for my DS growing up.

OP posts:
nonmerci · 15/09/2019 07:46

It would be pretty much impossible to hide your arms for the next 16 years. Are you supposed to constantly wear long sleeves, even on a roasting hot day? What if your DC catches you getting changed or in the bath?

Your Father is being quite ridiculous, you don’t have to tell your DS what happened.

FFSOMG · 15/09/2019 07:51

I too have very severe scars from SH (parts where the muscle/fat never grew back and I’m left with holes and indents in my arm, parts where I needed operations to repair the damaged tendons), I have two DS’s.

They know I get poorly and have to go into hospital, and when they have asked I’ve just said it’s from when I got poorly and it left a mark on me. Like how chickenpox brings you out in spots, mummy’s illness causes marks on her arms. They’re 5 and 7 and happy with that so far.

FFSOMG · 15/09/2019 07:53

Oh and tattooing is only an option for (I don’t want to say mild...) ‘normal’ scarring. If you have keloid scars that are raised, indented or wide then I have found every single tattoo artist I’ve asked has said they can’t tattoo over them.

MitziK · 15/09/2019 07:58

DP has scars. Lots of them.

He rolls his sleeves up and nobody pays attention, other than the occasional student who sees.

For them to see scars, not hidden, not covered up, not treated as something to be kept a secret, well - it seems that it can help them speak.

DP's usual reply to one of those students, gentle as anything, is 'if it really helped, I'd have stopped at the first one.'

Twistables · 15/09/2019 08:10

You could initially sy that they ate scars from when you were ill as a child (which they are). Then over time, as your child grows up, you could repeat that you were ill but add that you were very unhappy and filled with self loathing. Then, when it's age appropriate, say sth like, i thought it would relieve my pressure inside but it made me hate myself worse.

MrsRufusdog789 · 15/09/2019 08:15

I'd consider your scars to be honourable scars - not dishonourable as your father is making you feel by his constant comments . What's important is the here and now - not the past - and I think your father however well meaning he might be needs to be reminded of that . Tell him that the episode of self harm will be addressed with your son in an age appropriate way if at the time it presents itself - when your son ever asks a question - and approach it just the same as any other he would ask . Honestly and without too much detail . I found with my own child that when awkward questions arise a confident short explanation always worked . Details are for when a child is older . Covering up your arms with either long sleeves or tattoooing as another post suggests seems to me to be totally the wrong way to go for you .

Juells · 15/09/2019 08:17

FFSOMG

I feel for the teenage you, I'm sure you do as well. Flowers

PhilSwagielka · 15/09/2019 08:18

YANBU. I'm a self-harmer too and I've accepted my scars are a part of me. Just tell him you had an accident or something and then tell him the truth when he's older.

AlpacaGoodnight · 15/09/2019 08:19

I worked with 2 people with scars like this, one scars were not covered, the other they were covered by a large (well done) tattoo. The scars were still visible through the tattoo and to me seemed to draw more attention to them as the tattoo drew your attention more that the normal skin of the other arms. I don't think you should hide them. A vague answer until a child is old enough to understand sounds like a good option

Palaver1 · 15/09/2019 08:26

As of today stop hiding yourself away.Its a part of you your child will grow up knowing you with all you have and will love you regardless when the time comes explain it as you feel fits best.His only two.
Your father is concerned and fearful that he doesn’t want your son to ever go through what you have been through.
We are all shit at explaining to our loved ones our fears.

BoomyBooms · 15/09/2019 08:37

Your father is being awful. If you tried to hide your scars your child would definitely see them somehow and get the message that scars or looking different is shameful.

I have MH issues that make me really worry about what my children might inherit BUT the one good thing I can see is that I will always be able to teach them about good MH, i will always accept their MH struggles, and i will know how to help them properly. Unlike my own parents. You have the same strength.

I'd explain them to him age appropriate ways, start with 'mummy was sad and poorly and her arms got scars, but she's better now' until he's old enough to understand the truth. Stay strong OP Flowers

gingersausage · 15/09/2019 08:45

If it’s bothering you your Dad going on about it, you need to tell him to stop. You’re a grown up now and a mother, and it’s your business how you deal with it.

I imagine your little one will be fairly chilled about the scars because they will be a normal part of you. He probably won’t ask for years, and when he does, just say “oh mummy got hurt a long time ago but I’m all better now” and leave it at that. The less of a big deal you make of it, the less bothered your little boy will be. As long as you are ok, he will be ok.

I don’t think kids have the right or the need to know everything about us. Some things are best kept private. There’s too much pressure on people these days to tell everyone their business, whether they want to or not.

HaveIGoneMad · 15/09/2019 08:47

I have scars on my arms my DD hasn't asked about them yet, but she does know that mummy has a poorly head sometimes and it makes her very sad and tired sometimes, but mummy loves her very, very much. She is 3 and this is how I've explained my depression and anxiety to her, it is something that I have to live with I can't hide it so addressing it head on means that she at least has some understanding on my worst days that mummys feeling poorly. I don't self harm any more but when/if she asks, and honestly I'm assuming she will be alot older when she does, I will explain to her as best I can what they are.
I grew up around adults who drank heavily and took drugs; I might socially drink but I have a very, very strong opinions against recreational drugs and one of my siblings has adamantly refused to even try alcohol at every given opportunity and so I don't think you need to worry about normalizing anything, as long as they are aware of the damage that is does.

Sugarformyhoney · 15/09/2019 08:50

Yes I’d just say that mummy was poorly and her arms were hurt. No need did any more info at this stage

megletthesecond · 15/09/2019 08:57

Same here. Mine always pre-teens now and it's hard keeping them hidden. They've asked on the odd occasion they've caught glimpse and I've just said I got hurt when I was younger (they are over 25yrs old now).
I don't want to explain them in case a) they copy me or b) it's thrown back in my gave as being "mental", which I've had from some delightful people in my life.
Don't want cover up tattoos either as I've already got a couple of small ones I want removed, been there done that.

Thehop · 15/09/2019 08:59

Stay simple when he asks.

“They’re there because I was hurting inside and cut myself to try and feel better. It hurt, and I hope you’ll know that you can talk to me instead”

Goodlookingcreature · 15/09/2019 09:02

Yes you do need to protect your child from the truth of what you did to yourself. It shouldn’t be his normal.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 15/09/2019 09:07

"Yes you do need to protect your child from the truth of what you did to yourself. It shouldn’t be his normal."

Unless she spends the next 20 years in long sleeves even when she's in the shower, he's going to find out.

Far better to have a conversation about it and to give him coping strategies than to hush this stuff up.

It's hardly like she's saying 'I did this and it was a great idea' is it?

GreatBigNoise · 15/09/2019 09:08

“They’re there because I was hurting inside and cut myself to try and feel better. It hurt, and I hope you’ll know that you can talk to me instead”

I’d worry that if you said that the child would think that it was ok to cut yourself f you are hurting inside.

Personally I’d lie about them.

Pringlesfortea · 15/09/2019 09:11

There was a lady in a cafe next to us ,she had self harm scares the full length of both arms..I had my ds with me ,he’s 9 with autism.i could see he was looking at her arms ,he asked me if she was zebra lady ,for once he spoke quietly so she didn’t hear.
But I didn’t know what to say...usually I go with the truth ,but i felt it was best to not explain.i said ,I think her skin has been poorly 😩

Jellybeansincognito · 15/09/2019 09:15

Ignore him, I think if anything it’ll prevent your children from doing it.
You got through it, you should be extremely proud of that, don’t let your dad put you down- he has no right.

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2019 09:19

You don’t tell a very young child that you cut yourself @Thehop Shock
I wasn’t well. Because that’s the truth. Your child doesn’t need to know the detailed history of your physical or medical health but this is a result of being unwell. That’s true. I wouldn’t lie.
OP i too wondered if your dad felt guilty. If he was trying to get you to cover up so he didn’t have to think about what you have been through.

WLmum · 15/09/2019 09:20

Your df is being unsupportive to you, and that makes me sad. I would assume (although obvs I know nothing about your past and your df) it's because he has unresolved issues about your self harm. Which as a parent, I can totally understand, so no judgment on that front. However, what really matters is that the present and the future, and supporting you.
Personally I don't think you should hide them. As others have said, they are nothing to be ashamed of. You might feel sad looking at them as remainders of a difficult part of your past, but the fact that they are healed, and I hope so are you, is proof of what an incredible person you are.
Ime, giving an oversimplified answer to your children won't be enough. My dds tend to ask why/how questions, even from an early age. So I would start with simple as others have suggested, along the lines of mummy's arms got hurt / hurt her arms (in the same way we say did you hurt your knee when dc fall over) when she was younger. If they accept that, leave it there. But be prepared for them to ask for more detail. As others have said, I'd go along the lines of mummy was very unhappy (ok to say but I don't want to tell you why until you are older/I am ready) and cut herself. I know now that was a bad idea and it's much better to talk to someone about your feelings. You know I'm always here to listen to you.
I'd also be prepared that my dc would ask 'how', so you might have to say, with a knife (or whatever).
There's no doubt these conversations will be so hard for you, but I really dont think you should hide.
I wonder if mind or any other MH charities have any advice.
Best wishes to you.

Nubianjewess · 15/09/2019 09:23

It’s unfair to dismiss the OP’s father’s response as being ‘odd’ or ‘awful’, as PPs gave suggested above. The scars must be a harsh reminder of a painful stage in his daughter’s life and I agree he’s likely to be feeling some sense of guilt. No doubt his comments are coming from a good place and he is understandably struggling to work out the best way of dealing with it.

PooWillyBumBum · 15/09/2019 09:24

You can just say that you weren’t very well and your arms were injured as a result. If he sees them all the time he probably won’t be interested. Then when he’s old enough to understand you can explain it was mental health issues.

Honestly I think your dad is being over the top about this. Hiding it away and then your son occasionally seeing them is more likely to elicit questions,