To say something to other mum about her behaviour towards us

[SAA1519]

So my 4yr old started school this week and another parent has been, I think very rude to us. There is only one child from nursery in the same school and obviously the two children know eachother and have been playing together, as they always have at nursery. Go back a couple of months and parent of this nursery friend cruelly upset my daughter. We were waiting at the school gates and my daughter sees her friend and her mum walking up and is jumping up and down shouting hello to her friend. This child's mother, whom has always spoken to me at nursery pick up drop off etc and lives only a street away, then stops a few feet away, bends down to her child and tells her to go play over there with another child and completely blanks us. My daughter breaks down in tears and has to be pulled off me at the classroom. I was shell shocked! Then later found out she voiced to another nursery parent that she doesn't want her DD in the same class as mine?!?! This woman has copied my choices with nursery days and school choice, and I am now left wondering why the hell she ever asked me where/when I was sending my DD, and why she followed suit if she doesn't want them together?!? Now school has started I have tried to forget what she did, and try to be the bigger person and have said hello, or morning and been completely ignored! She may know that another parent told me she didn't want her DD in the same class as mine and feel embarrassed, but that, I feel, is no excuse?!
I can think of nothing I have done to cause offense, or for my daughter to deserve this. All I can possibly think is that my daughter's autism diagnosis is her issue, and am beating myself up that I ever told her. This diagnosis process has been going on for over 2 years and has never previously been an issue for this woman, but it does seem coincidental that this behaviour has started since she found out my daughter had been diagnosed as autistic.
So my question is AIBU to say something to her and ask what her problem is, or should I leave well alone? I'm already feeling awkward on school run as I don't know any other parents and don't want to make it worse, as it is already causing me huge anxiety!

Oh I'm so sorry that this women has upset you so much. Some people are just inconsiderate and cruel. The only thing I can tell you is that I'd just leave it alone. Smile and be polite to everyone, (if you make a thing, some people will avoid the 'drama') your daughter will hopefully start to make some new friends and you'll get to know other parents. Check to see if there is a class Facebook/WhatsApp group etc.

She sounds a bit unhinged! If it were me I would blank her and try to forget about her. If she ever reached out to me I'd be nice and civil, but wouldn't reach out to her. Depends though if you feel you need some kind of closure, if that's the right word.

I'd call her out on her disablism.

Copied you? I hardly think so. So what if she does not speak, why are you giving it so much headspace at 22.10PM on a Saturday Night?

You have another 7 years of this, let it go. Whatever her issue is will not stop her DD playing with yours inside school.

She will soon make herself known as the playground odd mum.

It sounds like she has some prejudice against your daughter about her autism.

I wouldn't bother saying anything as it's very very hard to change peoples opinion and she sounds like the kind of person who would just twist it round to you harassing you. What outcome would you want? She is not going to turn around and say 'oh yes, I'm a twat who doesnt like anyone that's different to me and was worried it was going to rub off on my daughter, but now we've spoken, let's have a playdate'

Hopefully her daughter will still play with yours at school even though her mum doesnt want her to.

What I would do, is have a word with the school. Say your daughter is upset because you overheard the mum of one of her friends telling her not to play with her, and ask them if there have been any issues between the two girls (incase it wasnt to do with her diagnosis but some other issue between them). If there have been no issues you can say they were getting on fine before her diagnosis and you are concerned the other parent may be discouraging the friendship because your daughter is 'different' and is there anything the school can do in class to try and encourage the children to celebrate and accept their differences

The only time I'd address the mum is if you overhear her saying anything like that again is ask if there is an issue between the two girls that you arent aware of because you were under the impression they were friends, why is she discouraging them from playing together. I'd try and be open minded as you never know, your daughter may have done something to upset her, and if they are going to be friends again in the future then being hostile wont help (though I understand you want to stick up for your daughter)

And please please don't raise or mention again the 'copying' with days at nursery or school. Those are generic small talk questions I'd ask any of my daughters nursery friends parents, and a lot of us had the same nursery days, and the children went to the same school! I seriously doubt it entered her head to make those decisions based on yours

Has your daughter done anything that upset her DD?

She has 'copied' me. Sounds pretty I know, but she pestered me for weeks about the girls moving up at nursery and wanted to know what days I had requested. I couldn't remember off the top of my head when she first asked, but she kept asking and saying she needed to know to get her form in on time, as she wanted the same! Then when it came to school choices, I did not choose the school within walking distance of our houses as I didn't feel it right for my daughter, and although nearly all the children from nursery were going to the local school, after I told her what I had put down as my choices when she asked, she then did exactly the same. This of course led me to believe she was wanting to encourage and maintain the girls relationship. I don't understand this woman. I think though, as majority agree, I will leave alone.
I'm very hurt and more than anything want to say something because I fear it is my daughter's autism that has caused the change in attitude, and that makes my blood boil. She is the same child with or without a diagnosis, and I feel I have to defend her to people like this.
I want to go to the baby group run by the school with my 8 month old, in the hope of meeting other mums, but I fear she will be there too, as she has a 10month old.....why should I care/worry....no idea but she has already made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable.

Nothing has ever happened between the children as far as I know. Nursery have never said anything my daughter has done to cause upset or harm to anyone, nor have school. I would doubt my daughter would have done anything intentionally, she is in her own little world most of the time, but had a few friends at nursery she played with, and has never shown any spiteful or violent behaviour even when provoked. Obviously if something has happened I'd completely understand another parents concern, but if I'm not told what am I to do?

It does sound as if she wanted them to be friends and has now changed her mind! Please don't let it stop you going to the baby group though, you have done nothing wrong and she is going to look like a right twat if you speak to her and ask after her daughter and she ignores you! I know it must be difficult but please don't let her get to you, it's very unfair what she is trying to do to your daughter and it would make anyone angry but you will never be able to prove anything. If she is that petty and prejudiced then people will eventually find out what she is really like.

It's understandable, you're feeling protective and want to let everyone know how cruel and unfeeling this women is. But the only thing it will do is make people think you're drama.
The absolute best form of coping with this, is to go against your first instinct. Go to the baby group, let your daughter form new friendships. The kids have 7 years of class parties, school events etc (assuming different secondary) she'll see your daughter is still who she's always been. Confronting her won't change anything or lead to the movie style realisation & apology you might be hoping for. But might lead to her exaggerating & making complaints to the school if she's trying to make you and your daughter out to be trouble.

People can be so cruel. I think she's massively mis-informed about autism. I'd probably follow the same advice that @AmIRightOrAMeringue suggested. You can check that the girl's are fine in school together, while dropping her in it for being a disabilist hag if nothing has happened, and let the teacher's make up their own minds about her.

Definitely ignore her. Make other mum friends and pretend like she doesn't exist. Go to baby groups. And if you ever catch wind of her saying anything about your DD from other parents, report her to the school.

Just remember that people like that aren't worth it. But there's nothing wrong with subtly letting others know what she's like. Nothing like a bit of karma. She'll certainly regret telling her child not to play with hers, when the other mums won't want anything to do with her.

As difficult as it is you have to let this go. You don’t need this type of person in your life. Frankly the copying you is weird and then the prejudice against your daughter is just ignorant.

Thank you all, I actually feel really very tearful right now to hear people be supportive of my little girl. I never expected her to be autistic and have had a huge learning curve, mostly on how to have a thicker skin, as I never realised how judgemental people were, and I still, wrongly I know, feel I have to hide her autism as I don't want her being avoided or feared by other children or parents. However as many of you have rightly said these sorts of people that would treat her differently are not the people we would want to be friends with anyway, and me saying something is highly unlikely to change their view, but that in itself is very sad, as her autism cannot be cured, it is who she is and she will always be judged for it, and that breaks my heart.
I hope I have the courage to go to the baby group, I have found things very hard since the birth of my son, and I don't really know why. I fear things I've never feared before and generally feel very vulnerable, so thank you all again for support

My DD is same age and has HF ASD. Some strange people seem to think it's contagious

I’d call her out on her disalism.

This.

I was wondering what was going on with this mother until you mentioned autism. I had a similar experience when my son was diagnosed with a severe learning disability at the age of 2. A woman I'd had coffee with several times actually crossed the street to avoid me and my child; I'm sure she thought her child would catch something from mine.

I'm in a way pleased, as it seems it more than likely is my daughter's autism that has caused this, and I don't want people like that in our lives, but also devastated. Having a child with any form of disability is tough, you don't wish for it, expect it or ever imagine it, but to have people who seem to want be your friend do a complete u turn and treat not only you, but your child like a second class citizen is still shocking to me in this day and age. I used to wear a proud autism parent wristband, but had seen a few people clock it, and avoid! Is this what I have to expect, and get used to for the rest of her school life?

Disgusting people - you can't "catch" autism, just like you "can't" the gay, why are people so bloody ignorant.

catch the gay I meant

Sod her OP! My 5 yo has challenges similar to ASD But unlike your daughter can and does lash out at friends but the kids forgive him so quickly and I’ve encouraged him to play with lots of people so he has a wide circle as he doesn’t understand why the friend he hit yesterday won’t play with him today. He can also be the kindest, sweetest and affectionate little boy you can meet. He’s worked so hard since starting school last year with lots of support from me and school and actually has some lovely friends. I have no idea if other parents approve or not, I have actively avoided them as many would have genuine cause to be pissed off! Suspect many do have issue as DS got invited to one party last year out of a class of 42 and that was a clear last minute fill the gap invite and play date invites are either ignored or declined. On the plus side he’s already had a couple of invites for sept parties :)

my best advice is to check with school that nothing has happened. I’d also mention that your daughter overheard the other mum just in case anything is spilling over into school and then just ignoring her!

I keep myself to myself at the school gates and after a year of pickups I am on nodding/small talk with 3 or 4 parents. No dramas, parenting a disabled child and managing school issues can be stressful enough without having to deal with drama from other parents! Oh and the parents I make small talk with are those with kids with some additional needs, they get it and we can share the small achievements that other parents would raise an eyebrow at (e.g when DS actually attended assembly for the first time, massive sensory achievement). This year the class size has halved and I’m hoping that things will get a little easier for us all, a couple of parents have already starting letting on to me a bit more but I’m still nervous about getting too friendly.

@SAA1519 , when you write about your feelings of vulnerability since your little boy's birth, you're describing symptoms of PND. Do talk to the HV or GP - the "thicker skin" will develop as you get support.

Thank you @Mintylizzy9 so pleased to hear I am not alone. Still terrified at the prospect of years and years of this playground judgement but I hope in time I can meet some parents with similar issues. I was thinking of asking the teacher if there are any other children with autism, but I doubt they would be allowed to tell me

Are there any support groups local to you? Facebook is usually the place to search or ask your child development centre?

I am so so so sorry that you are experiencing this.

The worst I ever came across was the school nurse calling me, to request permission to discuss DS' diagnosis with his 6 year old classmates.

I refused.

Turns out that two mums had gone in a few days apart, with complaints that the teacher was giving DS preferential treatment and they were cross that the 'classroom assistant' (my son's support worker) wasn't helping their kids. The accusation was that DS was taking her attention way from their kids. They used identical terminology and complaint structure so the teacher and I knew that they had been discussing it. I was able to figure out which mums it was because there were only two kids in the whole
Class who were badly behaved and hateful towards DS, who, like your DD, is a very happy, calm, non aggressive and very loving little chap. When I asked him about them, he said 'they are my friends but they are not nice to me.' (he cannot tell a lie).

It made my blood boil and also made me so incredibly incredibly sad.

Talk to the teacher. I have been exceptionally fortunate and had great support. Aged 10, DS is now in a specialist school and is smashing goals.

And people like that, you just don't need them in your life. It does hurt, and I would always prefer to have a moment to educate someone (before DS, I was very ignorant on matter), but sometimes you just have to walk away.

FWIW, I did have my day with the strongest character of these two mums a few years later. I met her in the street and she told me that her daughter wasn't doing too well in school, and asked after DS. I said that he had changed school and was doing brilliantly. She asked me to have a coffee with her. I said that I was surprised she would be interested in our family after making her complaint against an autistic child. She had the decency to blush, and I smiled and told her that we would see her around. It felt great.