To say something to other mum about her behaviour towards us

[SAA1519]

So my 4yr old started school this week and another parent has been, I think very rude to us. There is only one child from nursery in the same school and obviously the two children know eachother and have been playing together, as they always have at nursery. Go back a couple of months and parent of this nursery friend cruelly upset my daughter. We were waiting at the school gates and my daughter sees her friend and her mum walking up and is jumping up and down shouting hello to her friend. This child's mother, whom has always spoken to me at nursery pick up drop off etc and lives only a street away, then stops a few feet away, bends down to her child and tells her to go play over there with another child and completely blanks us. My daughter breaks down in tears and has to be pulled off me at the classroom. I was shell shocked! Then later found out she voiced to another nursery parent that she doesn't want her DD in the same class as mine?!?! This woman has copied my choices with nursery days and school choice, and I am now left wondering why the hell she ever asked me where/when I was sending my DD, and why she followed suit if she doesn't want them together?!? Now school has started I have tried to forget what she did, and try to be the bigger person and have said hello, or morning and been completely ignored! She may know that another parent told me she didn't want her DD in the same class as mine and feel embarrassed, but that, I feel, is no excuse?!
I can think of nothing I have done to cause offense, or for my daughter to deserve this. All I can possibly think is that my daughter's autism diagnosis is her issue, and am beating myself up that I ever told her. This diagnosis process has been going on for over 2 years and has never previously been an issue for this woman, but it does seem coincidental that this behaviour has started since she found out my daughter had been diagnosed as autistic.
So my question is AIBU to say something to her and ask what her problem is, or should I leave well alone? I'm already feeling awkward on school run as I don't know any other parents and don't want to make it worse, as it is already causing me huge anxiety!

I will give you another persepective.
I have two DC in the same class, one has autism (A) not the other (B). A has social difficulties, wants to play with others but it has to be on his terms and obviously most of his classmates don’t really like that (fair enough!). B is used to it, they are twins so have been playing togething for a while.

After finding out that they play just the two of them most days I have told B to try to play with other children at one of their two playtimes. Of course this is going to make A’s playtimes more challenging (I know he won’t be left alone though, the teacher assured me), but I know the status quo would mean that B would not create new friendships and in a way would «limited» by A.
It is so hard trying to meet both their needs without being unfair to one or the other!

What I mean by this is that maybe the other mum is just trying to make sure her DD makes new friends and doesn’t only play with the one child she knows from nursery.
(or maybe she is just rude, who knows!)

I'm sorry this situation has arose and as you say, a thick skin is required. I know this type of things shouldn't happen but unfortunately it does. Ive seen it myself with a child in my sons school with autism. He did have a few violent outbursts but basically no parent wanted their child around him "just in case". They meant by this that he might be violent to their child, encourage their child to be naughty, make their child think its OK to be naughty. The school also weren't supportive and he has now left and gone to another mainstream school that had better provisions in place.
Your daughter sounds lovely and I'm sure she will make lots of lovely friends. Forget about this other parent and child, and try to focus on the nice ones

This is so hard @SAA1519 as a fellow Mum of a child with a disability, sadly you will encounter this, it's vile and so unfair to your DD. If it were me I would stop making too much of an effort with the family (any nice exchange you get back is probably fake), of course not be rude but don't make the effort, encourage other friendships and have a quiet word with the teacher, just let her know while you want no drama or unpleasantness your DD's friend in the same class it seems has been told not to play with her since diagnosis. You can explain that social situations and autism can already be more challenging, and you just want to make sure she is aware of why your DD may be clingy or upset, or even trying to get that friend's attention. I have found, while I try to avoid unpleasantness, teachers have been very understanding about things like this. And very kind, often sharing similar observations and having good strategies in place.

Also these things get better, both as a parent with a child with a disability, but also the school gate thing just gets less intense as your child gets older. You will meet other parents and your DD will meet other friends. She will also likely want to come back at some point, particularly if she feels you have new friends and your DD has other friends. She sounds very insecure.

Best wishes!

This may sound extremely weird but I expect it's because she's jealous of your DD's diagnosis. I say that because the same happened to me. A long standing friend dumped me completely when my DD was diagnosed. Until then her son was the centre of attention medically wise, allergies that didn't really exist, behavioural issues that didn't really exist, possible conditions which were always ruled out etc. So when my DD got a concrete diagnosis my 'friend' was furious Really bloody odd, but some people are like that.

We had one like this who didn't want her child mixing with mine as she had special needs - shame because the child was lovely and actually really wanted to be my child's friend but would be pulled away by mum on a morning. It made my poor daughters life awful as the mum was also trying to engineer a group of friends for her daughter who would only ever play together leaving poor dd out.

As time went on she pissed off more and more parents and ended up moving schools to the one that fairly openly discourages SN pupils - guess her little snookums having to share a classroom with my child was too much for her.

Incidentally before the usual stuff arrives - my child's sn are the kind easily addressed with adapted equipment etc (which we provided) so it wasn't as if it was even a case of her being able to feel that my child was somehow "taking" teacher or ta time away - especially as my child is fairly academically able. She was just simply a vile, superficial, prejudiced and nasty piece of work. Life is so much nicer since she buggered off.