Am I overthinking this?

[Jellybeansincognito]

So out at a children’s fun day today, my daughter tripped and fell over (often happens, she’s very clumsy at 4!)
She has ripped her knees to shreds and was absolutely hysterical, I pulled her to one side to try and calm her down when someone came over and offered some wipes for her knees (which was lovely but completely terrified my daughter further).
My DH took her to a grassed area so we could have a proper look at her and get it wiped up and plastered (we always carry anti septic wound wipes and spray on plaster) but as he did this, he shouted at her.

I appreciate it was a stressful situation, everyone was staring at us, my daughter was hurt which was upsetting and it was just generally a shit situation all around, but yeah.

I’m embarrassed, and absolutely mortified that he decided to shout at her for running (this isn’t even why she fell over, she’s just clumsy and often trips and falls).

We did manage to get her cleaned up, and we decided to go home afterwards, but I spent the majority of the journey home in tears due to my DHs behaviour.

How should I handle this? My poor daughter, being shouted at by her dad at a really inappropriate time.

It's the sort of misplaced communication that would come from my DH's mouth... what he means is more like "please don't run again, you might fall and hurt yourself again, that would be sad, I love you".
Unfortunately it doesn't come out like that.
Like the apparently argumentative fool I am, I usually leap in to defend my DC at this point, obviously this helps in some ways but not in others... eventually I get them all to realise what the message was, even DH agrees & stops shouting.
So YANBU for thinking it was inappropriate in the circumstances.

That makes a lot of sense, he really struggles when they hurt themselves, he absolutely hates seeing them in pain and it crushes him. But how do I stop him from coming across so angry?

I have explained to my dd that we’re not cross with her, just feel sad when we see her in pain etc. Bless her.

I ask my DH to try to be softer, gentler, try to explain how his loud voice could sound to her, how it could be misinterpreted.
He says he understands, but doesn't necessarily remember to put his learning into practice, but he's getting better!
And I do what you do, reassure & show love.

Ask him to explain how his words and tone are helping his hurt child in that moment. Ask him to think what an injured child (or anyone) needs right at that moment. They won’t need shouted at or a warning for running. They need comfort and assurance that they are fine and that the pain will be gone soon. They need to be calmed.

Don’t ask him in that moment btw! ask him later, at a quiet time while watching tv of making dinner or whatever- once the incident has passed.

My dad is a “panicker” when it comes to kids falling. I remember all my childhood he would roar and shout and blame whoever or whatever he could. It carried on into my adult hood when my own toddler got knocked over by my dog and my dad came running shouting at me about my dog while I was trying to pick my child up and see how hurt he was. I actually left my dads house immediately that day and told him he would never raise his voice to me again. When he finally appeared at my house to apologise I explained that he had not done a single thing to help my son during that incident. The child he claimed to be so concerned about that he had to shout and swear at me. None of it helped my son. I think he realised then how idiotic his behaviour was. We’ve never had another incident like that in 8 years.

Your DH sounds like me sometimes. When I'm anxious I get angry. I've learnt to smoulder the rage now but please don't stress. He just needs to take a second and zip it before saying anything in those situations. Easier said than done but... Hope your DD heals up quickly

Yes, you are overthinking

Shouted at her how? What did he say? It seems really bizarre that he suddenly shouted.

It also seems like an over reaction that you spent the journey home in tears about this.

My DH is like this. I have spoken to him about it.
Ultimately though this is he man who is her dad and will be her dad forever so the best course of action is probably.to help her deal with him because this is how he is. He wasnt massively unreasonable just overreacted a bit. So roll.your eyes say "silly daddy;" and move on.

Others will disagree but the reality is he overreacted and you want to teach her that.

But yes OP crying all the way home was a daft thing to do - not because your DH shouting at your frightened child is not a big issue and upsetting, but because that will have been far more scary and upsetting for her. If you expect him to be able to control his instinctive responses around her, you should be able to do so yourself.

Why was your daughter ‘terrified’ at someone offering wipes?

Entirely possible she thought they were the “stingy” antiseptic wipes that OP says she carries with her. Those things can really hurt.

Your DH sounds like me, I can't stand over-dramatics either.

Chill out, have a glass of wine, and stop fretting over accident prone DD (I was one of these too).

Your DH sounds like me, I can't stand over-dramatics either.

That makes no sense. If you couldn’t stand over dramatics, why would you respond with more over dramatics?

@weaningwoes
Asking why a child was terrified about a fairly ordinary thing isn’t being a bitch it’s asking a question?
Child terrified, Dad shouting, Mum crying all the way home, I think I can see where she’s learned her hysterics from 🙄

He was probably frustrated that you were having a nice time, then suddenly had to leave because of this? Quite an overreaction all round, I think. Kids fall over all the time, they scrape their knees all the time. Was there really a need for all this fuss?

Also....who on earth carries spray on plaster around with them?!!

Also @weaningwoes I had a very shy DS but he wasn’t freaked out & terrified by everyday occurrences. A 2 yr old is a bit different from a 4 yr old, how will she cope at school?

When I was about 7, I was walking with my Dad down a very steep hill to a beach in Guernsey. He told me not to run. I ran. I fell over. e rain to get me, picked me up as he was still running (I was amazed by his athleticism) and got the to the beach and threw me in the sea to clean my bleeding knees.

I still remember this now, 40 years later. I was being a twat, my Dad behaved like a twat, it hurt my feelings momentarily and I still have a scar on my knee but it has become a family story. My Dad was a shouty twat a lot of the time, but I still love him unreservedly.

Don't know if any of that is helpful so in short i think I am trying to day that OP overracted to her DH's overreaction in a situation that her kid will probably not even remember

You're calling a 4 year old a "drama llama" - basically throwing her under the bus so you can slag off her parents.

She's FOUR.

So yes I think it was a bitchy statement. The question was fine, not the insult that followed.

Definitely an over reaction All round. Crying all the way home

@Bookworm4 she may well struggle at school. Shy people often do. If you know the secret to making a naturally shy person naturally confident, even in a situation where they are already in pain and upset, then please share it, because I'm sure a lot of parents could use that information to help their "drama llama" children who are anxious and excluded/bullied at school integrate better. I fancy adults name calling at the child is not the answer but perhaps you will correct me.

As I said previously I have a very shy DS even now as a teenager and I can assure you he’s never screamed and been terrified of everyday life; that’s not shyness, that’s overreacting. Please don’t let your anxiety run off on your child, you be confident instead of supporting unneccessary drama which OP should of done, crying all the way home?