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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you coped with going NC

31 replies

copperballoons · 14/09/2019 11:04

Hi all,

My mum and I have always had a rocky relationship. She was my best friend growing up when I relied on her but since I've got older, had boyfriends etc so turns on me. Gives me silent treatment for months etc. Tries to sway my opinions. As a kid she never liked my friends. As an adult, she never liked my boyfriends. As a result, I don't now have many friends as an adult.

She started talking to me again when I was pregnant. Then when baby came she made every excuse under the sun to not see him. He's two now and she's probably met him about 10 times despite living 20 mins away. I go every weekend so we can see my dad and she goes out or says we can't come in and we have to go out instead.

We haven't spoken in months and now she's refusing to come to my wedding tomorrow.

I didn't want her to come to the wedding. I thought I'd be happy and now she's confirmed she's not going, I can't help but feel sad. This is it isn't it, our relationship is totally over?

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 14/09/2019 11:11

You grieve it like you grieve a death. It was hard in the beginning but I came out the other side wholer and stronger

Isleepinahedgefund · 14/09/2019 11:13

Agree you allow yourself to grieve for the relationship. And it won't be just the relationship you had, but the relationship that you wanted with her and never got and which led you to NC in the first place.

PumpkinP · 14/09/2019 11:15

I haven’t spoken to my mum in almost 3 years. I couldn’t care less tbh.

Windydaysuponus · 14/09/2019 11:19

Over 7 years nc now. 10 years before that also.
Never invited her to any of my weddings!!
Have a lovely day!

Original poster
copperballoons · 14/09/2019 11:21

I think I'm not so much upset because I "lost" her. It's more I'm upset and angry that I don't the relationship I want to have with her. It's heartbreaking in fact. The final straw for me was the sheer ignorance to her grandchild

OP posts:
gabsdot45 · 14/09/2019 11:34

About 6 months ago I went NC with my brother. It's a huge long story but he treated my parents appallingly and made some very unkind accusations against them and the rest of my siblings.
Everyone else was walking on tiptoes around him but I called him out and said until he apologised I didn't want anything to do with him. I'm pretty heartbroken about it TBH.

Redred2429 · 14/09/2019 11:36

I have been NC with my mum since I was 16 it's hard I don't miss her I miss the idea of having a mum and seeing the bonds my friends have with there mums

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 11:38

You try and think of the positives:

She can't affect your son in the same way, with NC
She can't do the same things to you anymore
You have peace in a way

It can help oddly to not think of them as mum anymore but by their first name. Sounds strange but it helps

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 11:40

PS This odd way of not liking it when you have friends / relationships is so typical, mine was the same. It is as if they see it as competition.

Not wanting to go to your wedding, is such an example. Her loss. Hope you can enjoy your day regardless. At least it will be drama free! Mine spoiled my brothers by rushing up to him and his new wife and telling them marriage is hard etc and not all 'like this' (meaning joyful) and it spoiled their day.

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 11:42

Also you mention

It's more I'm upset and angry that I don't the relationship I want to have with her. It's heartbreaking in fact.

But this would still be the case if you were not NC. You'd always be searching for that. For me, it is about making peace with that.

minisoksmakehardwork · 14/09/2019 12:04

Hi op. Your feelings are magnified because marriage/wedding are typically a time when families come together and celebrate relationships in a positive way.

It will hurt. You will grieve for the relationship you have lost. You will grieve for the relationship you will never have. And with time you will find it easier and think of your mum less.

Why I think you will find it even harder is that you do still have a relationship with your dad. I presume he cannot come to you or meet you somewhere neutral, although if he can, I really would consider that as the preferable option to your mum cold-shouldering you in person.

Original poster
copperballoons · 14/09/2019 12:05

Yeah. I would be on edge all day st the wedding, worrying she would do or say something. I'd be embarrassed when it comes to photos as I know she wouldn't smile, or would refuse to be in them.

It's just hard.

It'll be when I look at her space at the table and she's not there. I just want her to be a supportive mother who loves me and that's never going to happen Sad

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 14/09/2019 12:06

@user87382294757 - you're right about not calling them 'mum'. Mine are simply father and mother. Not even 'my' But actually thinking of them as X and Y might be better.

minisoksmakehardwork · 14/09/2019 12:06

@copperballoons - make sure there is no space for you to look at. Have the waiting staff remove the place setting and spread everyone out a little more. You will of course know she's missing. But it will be less obvious.

SunshineAngel · 14/09/2019 12:07

I have a very similar situation to you, but I don't have any advice, as I still speak to her. I haven't yet had the strength to do what I need to do. I wish you all the best :(.

Original poster
copperballoons · 14/09/2019 12:10

Even the simple thing. As an adult I've been too scared to go out and buy a new car when my old one was on its last legs as she would accuse me of having too much money and that I shouldn't be extravagant.

She would tell me she could see me getting fat then if I lost weight I was too thin.

I would ask to meet her for a coffee and she would be too busy but then text me later saying she asked my brothers girlfriend to meet up for coffee etc.

Alll this stuff. It's awful

OP posts:
ItsClemFandangoCanYouHearMe · 14/09/2019 12:11

How hard it is to grieve for someone who is still alive. It hurts my heart every day hearing people talk about their great relationships with their mums keeps me up at night thinking of her being alone but she was destroying my soul. I hope it gets easier.

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 12:11

@user87382294757 - you're right about not calling them 'mum'. Mine are simply father and mother. Not even 'my' But actually thinking of them as X and Y might be better

It makes such a difference - not even sure why. Maybe it takes away some guilt of feeling 'your mother'. My dad has always (and still does) refer to her as 'your mother' which really gets to me. I didn't choose her, her did. It is never 'his wife'.

bluebeck · 14/09/2019 12:13

I just want her to be a supportive mother who loves me and that's never going to happen sad

This is the crux of it. Like my DM, your mother is never going to be able to love and support you in the way that most mothers do.

I am NC (6 years of bliss) and it's so lovely. I did have counselling which really helped.

I also have three "mum" aged friends - I am in my 50s and they are in their 70s who sort of play that role for me. They love and support me and are able to give wise guidance. I have friends my own age too but it's that older guidance I felt I had missed out on.

If she cannot control you, she will have no need for you, so you are so much better off NC. I would keep your DC away from her too.

You talk about your father - I assume he has enabled her behaviour for years?

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 12:16

I am trying to learn to be my own 'mother' figure, by doing things like CBT and also e.g. going to gym classes with slightly older women and also, have quite a nice MIL which does help. Good friends can help also.

BillieEilish · 14/09/2019 12:26

Dear OP, you sound in a very similar position to me.

My mother didn't like my friends, hated boyfriends, prevented them from even driving down the drive to pick me up (!) tried to embarrass me at my graduation, didn't come to my wedding, has never met DD (12)

It is as if they are jealous, the 'limelight' is off them now, this is the only way they exert control now... Negatively. Like you, because of DD, final straw and I have been NC for 15 years.

I do not miss her at all. The hardest thing is explaining to other people, I find there is a stigma attached to it. They don't understand.

That is my only problem with dealing with NC. Oh, that and my siblings who never left home so avoid me now too. I was the strong one. The eldest. Neither of them have got married/DC's. I believe they are scared of her. She bullies my father something rotten.

Funny you say you were so close when little, controlable, exact, exact same thing here.

Have a wonderful wedding and DO NOT let it spoil your day.

She sounds truly awful FWIW. Flowers

user87382294757 · 14/09/2019 13:30

Thinking about it, it is like they want you to be their little girl again, like a possession. Really not healthy is it. With mine the solution to anything was 'come home to me'. (shudders)

Original poster
copperballoons · 14/09/2019 13:54

@BillieEilish it's scary how similar that is to my situation. I really feel for my dad as he's stuck in the middle but I genuinely think he is scared of her. He doesn't know how to handle he because she just flys off the handle and gives silent treatment and then twists it to be the victim

OP posts:
Original poster
copperballoons · 14/09/2019 13:55

Yeah. She refused to come to my graduation too, then came but sat in a huff all day. There's another example.

OP posts:
Mumoftoo19 · 14/09/2019 14:43

I havent seen my mum in 8 years. I still think of her but best thing I could've done for myself and my children

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