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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my dp to see if it was ok with me if he went away for the weekend?

33 replies

bodiddly · 09/08/2007 20:13

My dp mentioned ages ago that he would like to go down to Cornwall when his step-sister is down there on holiday for the week. The idea being that he would go down on his motorbike (more for the ride than anything else). She basically vetoed the idea before it took off by saying that they didnt have room etc. He turned round last week and said that he was now going as she had said he could sleep on the sofa. Im probably being a bit over-sensitive but cant help but think that he should have checked it was ok with me as well as her! The problem is it sounds pathetic when he says he is a 38 year old who shouldnt have to ask permission to do things .. but we have a ds and surely its polite at least to see if I mind! Am I being daft? I dont know why but it seems to have really got my goat!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 09/08/2007 20:15

Nope. YANBU. Should totally have checked with you first. Especially chipping off by himself. That's not on.

beansprout · 09/08/2007 20:16

YANBU

TheQueenOfQuotes · 09/08/2007 20:16

YANBU

Bibis · 09/08/2007 20:18

YANBU,

What would happen if you did the same to him - would he be reasonable about it

Miaou · 09/08/2007 20:18

If the situation was reversed and it was you wanting to go away for the w/e, presumably he would expect you to check with him first. Therefore - YANBU.

DaisyMOO · 09/08/2007 20:20

Announce that you have already planned a weekend away yourself and ask who is going to look after ds now See how he feels when the boot is on the other foot

Sunshinemummy · 09/08/2007 20:20

Consensus is YANBU.

Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 20:20

To be honest he wouldnt mind if I did the same .. but I would never do it .. I just think it is out and out rude. He just cannot see it .. he just thinks that I am trying to stop him going. Of course life is easier if he doesnt go, never mind the fact we have agreed to go to a bbq (ok, its a kids bbq, but still!) on the saturday, but I wouldnt have stopped him. I am just annoyed that the decision was announced as a fait accompli

OP posts:
Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 20:23

This has caused a HUGE row in the bodiddly household twice this week ... grrrrrrr

OP posts:
Sunshinemummy · 09/08/2007 20:25

Surely the point is you have joint responsibilities therefore, he has a duty to check if you mind taking on full responsibility for the time he is away.

Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 20:29

you would think so, wouldnt you? but he works most Saturdays anyway so probably thinks it isnt all that long .... also without checking it is ok. I dont mind that so much as it is work and we need the extra money, but he works for himself and says I will only be an hour (at 7.30 in the morning) and that is the last I hear of him until half way through the afternoon or until I call him to see if he will be back so we can go and do something as a family. It drives me potty that he doesnt think to phone in and check all is well. He thinks he is entitled to go as he doesnt go out much of an evening or at weekends on his own and that he didnt have this issue in his last relationship. But he didnt have a ds in his last relationship and his dw didnt care as she was cheating on him!

OP posts:
edam · 09/08/2007 20:31

YANBU this is really, really basic manners. You are both parents now and it's only sensible to check that any arrangements are OK with both sides.

Sunshinemummy · 09/08/2007 20:33

I do think it takes men a while to get the hang of the responsibility thing. After we had DS, DP would still call me on the way home from work and say "I'm meeting so and so for a pint". I wouldn't say anything until the next morning when I would point out that I can't do that so why should he. It took a while to sink in but eventually it did. It might be that you have to wear this but raise it again when the heat has gone out of it and let him know how it made you feel when he can think about it rationally.

Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 20:34

thank you everyone ... it is nice to know I am not being as pathetic as he implies! I would love to show him this thread so he could see I am not the only one to think he is being unreasonable but I dont think he would be best chuffed to see it in writing! He has completely lost the plot now and is saying he wont go because I am being ridiculous and I have made him so mad. I think I am just going to ignore it now ... at least I feel slightly more sane knowing you mostly agree!

OP posts:
Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 20:37

I wouldnt mind sunshinemummy but my ds isnt a baby .. he is 2.5 ... my dp doesnt go out of an evening etc - this is largely a weekend thing! Thats why I wondered if I was being unreasonable but at the end of the day I wasnt trying to stop him going I was just making a point that I shouldve been consulted. He just cannot see it though.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 09/08/2007 21:07

The answer is in about 3 weeks time you suddenly go off for the weekend with 2 days notice and then he can see how it feels.

Sunshinemummy · 09/08/2007 21:11

You'll probably get your point across more if you leave it for a while and bring it up (or do as Xenia says) in a few weeks when he's had time to reflect.

flowerybeanbag · 09/08/2007 21:14

YANBU! Tis terrible!

fiddlemama · 09/08/2007 21:23

Only problem is, the way mens minds work (or most of the ones I've known), is that if you raised no verbal objection when his plan was first mentioned a while ago and then said nothing as you found out his sister vetoed the idea, he probably took that as tacit agreement. In his mind, that agreement probably still stands and that is why he is so surprised at your reaction?

Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 21:32

Only time will tell if he goes or not .. he will probably calm down and go anyway but I am not going to talk to him about it again for now. You are probably all right when you say to leave it until he has had time to reflect. We will see whether he can understand my point of view then .. but somehow I doubt it!

OP posts:
LazyLineLegilimens · 09/08/2007 21:37

YANBU.......but, it seems unlikely that he will not go now. Make the most of it, do something nice, treat yourself, have a nice weekend. DO you have transport? Could you go and visit someone or go out for the day? Do loads of nice things and forget about him. Do not call him all weekend.

Carbonel · 09/08/2007 21:52

I think if my dh did this to me I would 'assume' he was taking the dc's and talk about what a great time they would all have with their aunt / cousins etc

That might make him think a bit first!

My dh and I have a family calendar and everything goes on that - now the kids are at school and we both work we have to be very organised with school drop offs and pick ups, and he is away so much for work anyway.

Hope it all works out - I like Xenia's suggestion but I have never done it either as i love spending time with the kids

Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 22:13

I am sure he would take ds if he werent going on his motorbike and if he were going for longer than the weekend ... as it is probably about 6 hours each way! Crazy. But you are right .. I dont think I will bother with calling him - we are out going to a party on saturday afternoon anyway so I only really need to plan something for sunday and that shouldnt be too hard. I will have to find something that ds will love and let him realise how much he has missed out on

OP posts:
Original poster
bodiddly · 09/08/2007 22:15

I like xenia's idea too but I think he would probably just take ds round to his parents and let them look after him .... at least part of the time! He is lucky in that he has a big family and they live fairly close by. My parents aren't as close and are not well at all so I dont have that luxury!

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 10/08/2007 12:50

Stick a nail in one of his tires, then he can't go.